I was in the middle of writing up an apology for showing you all these pictures of Hugh Jackman swimming with his cute kids without any kind of story involved before I thought “you know what? No.” Because if any additional transaction needs to go on right now, it would be a thank you card delivered straight to my inbox for being enough of a sweetheart to show you these beautiful pictures. And, after all, when have I ever needed an excuse to show you pretty pictures of Hugh Jackman, or any pretty pictures at all?

“What does Spanish good looks have to do with the size of your penis? They’re completely different things. Maybe I have the Spanish looks but I have the smallest penis in the world. I’m serious. I grew up with a lot of my friends and all of them lost their virginity with hookers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! They had to pay for it. I wanted to wait for the right girl so I waited until I was 25. I was nervous as shit the first time. Usually the first time is not the best. Mine was in my mother’s house. Let me be honest, I was actually 17 and a half… I was really nervous. It lasted ten seconds.”

- Enrique Iglesias going on and on at a concert about his penis and all the wonders it can’t hold. Because it’s tiny.

Oh, and just in case you weren’t turned on enough yet, when one if his fans commented that his first time lasted ten minutes, Enrique responded with “Shit, I don’t even last 8 minutes now.”

Hold me back, friends. It just got way too hot in here.

Did you have to take a moment to take in that headline too? Ok, good, I’m glad I’m not alone in this.

But yeah, Amy Winehouse was in the process of adopting the 10-year-old girl pictured above, and it wasn’t just a fleeting notion on her part. Let’s just check out the full heartbreaking story from TMZ:

Amy Winehouse was preparing to adopt a 10-year-old girl from the island of St. Lucia, the girl and her grandmother told a British paper today.

The girl — Dannika Augustine — says she met the singer during one of Amy’s visits to the island over the past few years. She says she was living in poverty with her single mom when Amy took an interest in her.

Dannika tells The Sunday Mirror, “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me … She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Dannika’s grandmother Marjorie says she spoke to Amy a few weeks ago and that Amy planned to return to St. Lucia next month. She told the paper, “Amy wanted to have a child so bad. If she had not died, there is no doubt she would be here in St Lucia completing the adoption process. There is no way she would have done what she did to herself if Dannika was with her.”

Both of Dannika’s parents had signed off on the adoption.

Just when I thought this whole thing couldn’t get any sadder, it turns out some poor little girl called Amy her mother. And I know it probably would have been a worrisome situation, having Amy Winehouse responsible for a child, but damn, this story really hits me hard. Is anybody else feeling that?

Image courtesy of TMZ

It hurt a little when Taylor Swift covered Mumford and Sons, but I tried to be ok with it. And then when she did the Dixie Chicks cover, I actually thought it was kind of cute. But then she did an Eminem cover. And I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.

Do we still care about Taylor Swift at all, or is she over? I feel like she broke it off with Jake Gyllenhaal and then most people over the age of 17 stopped caring about her around the same time? Or maybe that’s just my fondest wish. Confirm or deny, please!

Here’s Miley‘s latest body art – it’s that little equality sign on her finger there. Isn’t that nice? She posted it on her Twitter with the caption “All LOVE is equal.” Good going, Miley! This is loads better than that dumb dreamcatcher you have! Congrats!

Ok, everybody, I know that Miley doesn’t care what I think about her tattoos. I know this because she ignores my emails, phone calls, post cards, Twitter replies, and that one fax I sent when I was drunk and feeling competent at the library. I know that she has better things to do than worry what a fellow party-lovin’ Tennessean has to say about her tattoos. But you know what? I can’t just stop caring. I can’t just turn my heart off. So excuse the hell out of me, but I won’t stop feeling my feelings for anybody, especially not Miley.

What do you guys think about Miley’s sweet ink?

Wasn’t little Harper Seven born like a month ago? Oh wait, it hasn’t even been a whole month. It’s been 20 days. I don’t know, maybe after you have four kids that new baby smell wears off more quickly, and you realize that it’s high time to start the whole thing over again. It looks like that’s the case with David and Victoria Beckham, because they’ve already put the word out that they need another precious angel:

A little brother or sister for baby Harper?

That’s an optimistic possibility, according to dad David Beckham, 36, who’s been fawning over the family’s 2-week-old addition.

“We’d love one more,” Beckham, whose brood also includes boys Brooklyn, 12, Romeo, 8½, and Cruz, 6½, tells the Associated Press. “We’ve always said we’d love a big family and five was a number. If we’re lucky enough, then we hope to have one more.”

The soccer star, who welcomed his daughter July 10 with wife Victoria Beckham, 37, says baby Harper’s brothers adore her, too. “All the boys won’t leave her alone,” he says, “which is amazing.”

What’s it like having another lady in the house? “It’s different having a little girl,” he says. “She’s elegant.”

It’s pretty obvious that the Beckhams are adorable parents, but five kids? Jesus. I can barely even hang out with five adults at the same time, I don’t even want to think about how crazy it would be to be responsible for five little people.

Well, I guess I’m going to spend the rest of my night cowering in fear of having five children and knocking on wood like my uterus depends on it. See you guys bright and early tomorrow!