Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and a Half Men, never ever ever wants to see Charlie Sheen ever again. Sources report that Sheen’s character, the tragicomic lothario Charlie Harper, is slated to die a terrible, probably-gruesome death, very nearly ensuring zero possibility of a future cameo.

And while the script for Charlie Harper’s killing-off isn’t complete, perhaps Lorre is trying to translate Sheen’s epic fall into a “teachable moment”: there are tentative plans to have the character drive his car off a cliff and, I can only assume, die in a fireball. It’s a metaphor for losing control and screwing up your life, kids! It’s like Charlie Sheen’s car, and then a cliff! Oh, no! So don’t do drugs.

But Chuck Lorre’s moral meta-victory has been undermined by this ironic new wrinkle: Charlie Sheen has signed a deal with Lionsgate to develop and star in his next sitcom. Worse, a source predicts “Charlie’s character will be very similar to the one he played on Two and a Half Men” only, this time, even raunchier.

And while Sheen won’t cash the same paycheck CBS could offer, due to the intricacies of his new contract, he may well eventually make more dough off this deal than he ever did as worthless Charlie Harper.

Do you see what has happened? Do you see what this means? THIS IS TERRIFYING.

The Lionsgate deal means that, try as we might, Charlie Sheen’s alter-ego cannot be stopped. He is unkillable. The hydra has regenerated, and it is more powerful than we ever could have known! MAYBE CBS REALLY DID PICK A FIGHT WITH A WARLOCK.

And! Worst of all! We are sullying the memory and reputation of the One True Charles Harper. I’m glad you aren’t here to witness all of this, Mr. Harper, famed midcentury painter.

Michael Bay made Rosie Huntington-Whiteley work for her Transformers part. [The Superficial]

Recommence the baby rumors. [Bossip]

Pamela Anderson: being sued for a crap ton of money. Like, the rest of it, probably. [TMZ]

Please, please, PLEASE tell me this rumor is true. [Starpulse]

This is the best Katie Holmes has looked in years … so what’s behind it all? [Lainey Gossip]

SO WEIRD, I was just thinking about this yesterday: Newsweek did a “Princess Diana at age 50” cover. What do you think? [LA Times]

How Tom Hanks almost killed Julia Roberts. [Socialite Life]

And in this one, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley goes see-through. [Yeeeah]

The 10 best celebrity tattoos – and some that are just really awful. [The Frisky]

The T-Mobile girl gets a real job. [Pajiba]

Emma Stone‘s fabulous bikini body. [Amy Grindhouse]

Snooki’s looking very … trim these days. [Cele|bitchy]

8 Sex injuries to watch out for. [The Frisky]

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address! (Oh, and check your email for your winner’s notice, too, OK?)

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s Dane Cook photo: Halliem
“God, I’m even less funny walking down the street contemplating trivial occurrences than I am talking about trivial occurences in my stand-up.”

First runner-up: Dillon
“Crap, what was that joke I do about Burger King again? Sweet and sour sour sauce in my … Sweet and sour sauce in my …”

Second runner-up: evilbeetdouche
“Hey Dunn, I left my phone in the bar. I’ll drive myself.”

Congrats to Halliem! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!

Here we have a photo of Jennifer Aniston walking around New York City yesterday afternoon, maybe contemplating a sleeve tattoo to complement her new man’s style, or maybe just following him to a job to make sure he isn’t shacking up with Angelina Jolie, or, you know, his ex-girlfriend of two decades again.  I’m not sure. It could really be either thing.

One thing I am sure of, however, is that this is definitely the worst photo I’ve ever seen of Jen. I know we all take bad pictures (like, ALL of my candid pictures are bad pictures, seriously), but I get some serious glee in the cockles of my heart when I see otherwise-flawless celebrities looking like, well. Sides of boiled ham. You know?

Am I crazy for not thinking that Taylor Swift is all that pretty? I mean, she’s not BAD-LOOKING, by any means, nor is she even average, I guess, but I just don’t really find her all that attractive. I know she’s a moderately talented singer/songwriter and stuff, and not everyone can be a wanton sex goddess like Olivia Wilde, and it’s NOT EVEN LIKE it’s just LOOKS THAT MATTER, but Taylor Swift? I guess I’ll just pass on that, thanks.

I mean, even in this photo shoot, where she’s supposed to be all charming and whimsical and come-hither, it’s just not translating for me. Maybe my receptors are broken or something, because I just. don’t. get it. Plus, the floral theme that’s going on here totally makes me want to drown myself in Zyrtec and nasal spray.

So anyway. Here’s some excerpts from Taylor’s Vogue interview. I’m sure you’ll find them scintillating:

On really getting into her most favorite television programs:

“Detective Olivia Benson from Law & Order S.V.U. I sit in my apartment and watch hours of that show. So I sort of feel like me and Olivia are BFFs.”

On the songs that speak to her most:

“‘She’s So High’ by Tal Bachman (the sweetest song !!), ‘You Learn’ by Alanis Morissette, ‘Shot in the Dark’ by Augustana.”

On loving “princess dresses”:

“I get to wear it every night on tour at the end of the show when I’m singing ‘Love Story.’ It’s long and sparkly (big surprise, right?) and a total princess dress.”

One thing that Taylor Swift really gets going? My allergies. Seriously.

From People:

Jake Gyllenhaal was cracking up and laughing with pals during a lively night at West Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont – but the actor gave special attention to one woman: Olivia Wilde. The two were very flirty, an onlooker says, acting “touchy-feely.” Says the onlooker: “At one point, he had his hand on hers.” Still, the two weren’t overly affectionate with each other. “Olivia was very cool,” the onlooker says, “and wasn’t fawning over Jake but seemed to like the attention he was giving her.” Alas, at the end of the evening the two went their separate ways.

So, Olivia Wilde claims another hot Hollywood male.  Does she have to have her hooks in all of them, like, seriously? From Justin Long to Justin Timberlake to Bradley Cooper … I mean, Justin Long doesn’t really fit all that well in there, so we’ll chalk that up to “mistake,” but the rest? Woo.  George Clooney is single these days, ladies, so if you’ve got some kind of claim on him, you better move fast.  Olivia here might catch wind of what you’ve got planned and beat you to the punch.