Maybe she only likes him when she’s drunk he’s drunk.

Separated couple Courteney and David were photographed last night at the Roosevelt Hotel, apparently doing something that doesn’t involve humping the other’s leg or showing the Caribbean your nipples.

In related news, Jennifer Aniston and Courteney herself are on the outs, as Aniston feels that her former BFFFFFFFFFFF is stringing estranged husband David along, having flings on the side, and has no intention of getting back together with her husband. (Sounds to me like somebody’s still stinging over their own busted-up marriage that HAPPENED SIX YEARS AGO.)

All I know is that if I were trying to hook back up with my way-hotter wife, I certainly wouldn’t be showing up in public looking like that.

I’ll give you a hint: it’s the one who didn’t kill Heath Ledger.

Anyway, my general knee-jerk reaction is all like ‘Woo! I totally thought he was losing his damn mind palling around with that butch Snook-alike‘ that he took to the movies last week, but my SECOND knee-jerk reaction (I can do that, you know) is WTF? Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen? In what world does that make any sense?

The story comes from Us Weekly, and even though they’re more reputable than, say, Star, I still have my reservations about this one:

[Us Weekly] reports that Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen — both newly single, former child stars with their own fashion labels — have been inseparable (and flirty!) in and around NYC of late. One insider close to the pair (spotted together at the Greenwich Hotel, a Saturday Night Live afterparty, two Broadway shows and a polo match outside the city) tells Us: “They are hooking up.”

Adds another source of the unexpected twosome, who both ended high-profile relationships in March (he with Jessica Biel after four years together, she with actor Justin Bartha after two years): “They’re really trying to keep it on the down-low.” A rep for Timberlake denies anything non-platonic, telling Us: “They are friends. They are not romantically involved.”

So, I guess what the magazine is trying to say without my particular brand of crass, is that the two are just fucking. And in Hollywood, as much as anywhere else, a lot of that goes on. No biggie. But I’m just kind of ‘huh?’ about the whole thing, I guess, because I grew up with Mary-Kate and Ashley as MICHELLE TANNER on Full House. I even share the same BIRTHDAY with these bitches (June 13th, it’s coming up, mark your calendars!) and I can’t see anyone being all like ‘Oh, yeah, remember that Michelle chick from Full House? I gotta get me a piece of that.’ I know these girls outgrew their FH roles, but to me, they’ll ALWAYS be Michelle Tanner.

What about you guys: do you think the Timberlake/Olsen bang rumors are legit?

Let’s talk numbers real quick. Nick Cannon was born in 1980. Mariah was born in 1970.  Her first album came out in 1990, when she was 20 and Nick was 10.  So yeah, little ten-year-old Nick Cannon could have definitely rocked out to “Visions of Love” and made out with her poster or whatever.  Crazy, right?

This creepy little tidbit of information comes from an interview that Nick did with Perez Hilton:

Nick Cannon: I always knew I was going to be in love with Mariah Carey.

Perez Hilton: Really?

Nick Cannon: She was my celebrity crush since I was a kid.

Perez Hilton: Really?

Nick Cannon: So I was like when I get the opportunity, I’m going to just let her know how I feel and just go hard, just — and I went hard and then from that point she connected and we –

Perez Hilton: She was ready.

Nick Cannon: Yeah. And it was just –

Perez Hilton: It was just like the right time.

You guys, if this kind of thing actually happens in the world, I’m about to get real mentally unstable.  I’m going to be like “I kissed posters of the Backstreet Boys when I was a kid, why am I not married with Backstreet babies?  We could all live in a special house in Las Vegas like the Sister Wives, except they’d be Brother Husbands.  Why can Nick Cannon live the dream and not me?”  And then I’m going to stumble around, carrying my teddy bear with me everywhere I go and have crying fits roughly every 15 minutes.  I should know, I’ve seen me do it.

Thanks a ton, Perez.  This is why I don’t like you.

I’m going to let you guys in on a secret.  Ready?  Even though I am way in love with my boyfriend, Zach Galifianakis, I also find Bradley Cooper really, really attractive.  Is that horrible of me? The attraction part, not the out of touch with reality part.

Anyway, I don’t speak a lick of French, so I have no clue what Bradley is saying.  You might complain that this isn’t that much of a story, and to that, I say that you can suck it, for it is my birthday, Bradley Cooper is enchanting, and I live my life on my own terms.

Are you super excited about seeing Sarah Palin on your favorite show?  Are you shivering in anticipation of seeing America’s favorite mom sing and dance throughout America’s favorite high school?  Well, then I have one word for you:

PSYCHE!

At least, I’m fairly certain it’s a “psyche” occasion.  I got this tip from a quote by Jane Lynch, Glee‘s Sue Sylvester, in which she said “I’m pretty sure we got Sarah Palin to do a guest spot on ‘Glee.’ She’ll perform an original tune I penned: ‘Look at Me, I’m Batshit Crazy.”  I mean, I know Jane is usually a really truthful person, but I just can’t imagine the Parents Television Council would allow a word as scandalous as “batshit” in the title of a Glee song, could you?

If there’s anyone that I love to poke fun at, it’s Justin Bieber Kristen Stewart Lindsay Lohan ok, there’s a lot of people I like to poke fun at, but Gwyneth Paltrow is definitely high on that list.  I think it’s because she has such a high opinion of her questionable talent, and people like that always need to be knocked down a few pegs.

Anyway, Gwyneth went and got herself a Twitter account today, and if you read this here blog at all, you know that making fun of celebrities on Twitter is one of my favorite pastimes.  As of this moment in time, Gwyneth has only released one precious Tweet out into the world (“This is my first Tweet,” how worthless), but I’m just so, so excited for when she really gets in the swing of things.  She’ll Tweet N.W.A. lyrics and pretentious recipes.  Ugh, I’m so glad I didn’t get raptured so I could live to see this day.