It’s official, ladies and gentlemen: Lauren Conrad has made it to the big time. Why, you ask? Because I do reckon that this is the first time that I’ve personally written about her on Evil Beet. Does that mean I have a sense of over-inflated importance? Probably. But a lot of other people do, too, so I’m just going to run with that for today. It’s Friday, after all. And we’re talking about LAUREN CONRAD, anyway.

Anyway, the annoying girl that did whatever on that annoying show, The Hills, is in a magazine. The magazine is Lucky, and she did some photo shoot where her traditionally-blonde hair was dyed dark at the roots, and extending downward quite a bit.

I’m not of fan of Lauren’s (or any of the other girls on that show), and I don’t really care what she’s doing these days with fashion, or who she’s dating, or really whatever, but I actually like her much better as a topped-off brunette. It makes her … semi-memorable. What do you guys think? And do you, generally, even give a crap about Lauren Conrad?

And not a moment too soon, dang. Have you seen recent photos of girlfriend? It looked like she was seriously about to bust at the seams. Or, because she’s living, and not a manufactured doll, pop at the bellybutton. That sucker was starting to look like a cabin repress valve.

Pink gave birth to her daughter (not a son, snap), Willow Sage Hart (which is ACTUALLY a really cute name if you think about it long enough), yesterday in Los Angeles. She and husband, Carey Hart, announced the birth via Twitter, naturally:

“We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She’s gorgeous, just like her daddy [Carey Hart]. #beyondblessed”

Congrats to the new family! My advice to Pink? If you’re going to raise your girl in Hollywood, just KEEP HER AWAY FROM DISNEY. We all know how that BS pans out.

This video of a Paramount exec calling up Joe Jonas to tell him that he didn’t land the role of Spiderman due to his set of particularly thick thighs has been floating around the ‘nets today, and while I don’t think it’s real (just a very good impression), I can’t help but laugh knowing that this is exactly how such matters are handled in this town.

Well, it’s actually not exactly how they’d be handled. Normally a call like this would go to a manager and then the manager would have to break the news to their client that they’re a little too bottom heavy to make the cut, but the passive-aggressive tone? The semi-ass kissing? The “I’m too busy for this but hey! It’s Joe Jonas!” attitude? Oh, that is SO VERY Hollywood.

Let’s just celebrate the idea that we may have gotten the Gift of Garfield because a certain JoBro hasn’t been doing his squats, okay?

So apparently Katy Perry wants to get into acting and is being considered for a role in her hubby’s newest flick where she’d be playing– wait for it– his wife. Wowza, Katy. Way to stretch yourself for your first role. Some actresses would have made the “mistake” of playing a character with depth, one that totally pulls them away from their public image, but you, girl… You’re just different.

Her acting is going to be a shitshow. I’ve been saying for years that her overly dramatic facial expressions need to go. It’s as if she went to the Jenny McCarthy School of Actoring (yes, actoring) with those wide eyes and opened mouth and hiccup-y vocals. I rarely say such things about another woman, but the girl needs to calm down. That stuff will never translate to the big screen because a movie’s not a high school play and we’re not sitting in the cheap seats.

Here’s hoping she and her furry husband can hire her an acting coach. Maybe they can hire her handlers a tutor while they’re throwing money at bettering themselves.

So I’m pretty obsessed with these photos of Violet Affleck leaving the Santa Monica library with her famous mom yesterday because this little gremlin reminds me of someone very special: Me.

The glasses, the whole “sticking library books in her mouth” thing, the spastic arm and leg movements mid-walk. Yeah, all of that looks very familiar to this lady over here and honestly, God bless her. She’s probably going to grow up to be a wonderful woman.

But all of that self-centered shit aside, doesn’t she remind you of one of Amy Poehler’s best SNL characters ever? Jennifer Garner is totally the best mom in the world.

Robyn‘s newly released video for “Call Your Girlfriend” is, like all of her music videos, pretty awesome. When this chick makes music videos, she doesn’t attempt to overcompensate by using wild hair and make up and crazy locations to try and distract from the music. She seems to do the old school thing and just make something simple that’s entertaining to watch.

For “Call Your Girlfriend” Robyn played with the alternating lighting around her and simply danced her ass off. Pretty similar to what she did in the “Hang With Me” video, which looked like footage that was grabbed while she was touring. It was just made up of simple clips that are fun to watch, but don’t overpower what she’s really trying to sell: her music.

Pretty crazy notion, right?