Ok, let me give dear Diane Kruger the benefit of the doubt for a bit first. See, I don’t think she’s ACTUALLY covered in urine, I think it’s just the colors of the dress.  Diane is notoriously well-dressed, so I highly doubt that she would attend an event after spilling urine all over herself.  Plus, she’s there with her one true love, Pacey, and I don’t think she would want to embarrass him like that.  Also, I’m still not wearing my glasses, but my eyesight’s not incredibly bad, and I’m nearsighted anyway, so I guess we’re getting into the real point of this, which is “Diane, why the fuck are you in public in your pee dress?”

You guys can see it too, right?  It’s not just me having golden showers on the brain, is it (no, it is not)?  Other people can see that this dress makes Diane Kruger look like she got doused in a couple of bladders and then tried to make the best of it?  I could really use your support on this one.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries practically bone on the beaches of Bora Bora. [Bossip]

LeAnn Rimes almost flashes her cooter of doom. [The Superficial]

Blake Lively has a wardrobe malfunction at her premiere (of course). [INFDaily]

Vanessa Hudgens wants to show you what she looks like in underwear for a change. [Starpulse]

Prince Harry: going back to Afghanistan? [Cele|bitchy]

The rise of the “geeky girl” on TV. [LA Times]

Weiner and his dong resign. [TMZ]

The most offensive political ad ever. [The Frisky]

What True Blood character is going gay? [OMGBlog]

Brad Pitt on the set of his new movie. [Socialite Life]

More details on Natalie Portman’s baby. [Yeeeah]

The police were “picking on” Christina Aguilera. [Amy Grindhouse]

Taraji P. Henson wears short-shorts. [Bossip]

Colin Farrell on the set of Total Recall. [Caught on Set]

Hugh Jackman in Les Miserables? [ICYDK]

See headline.

And no, no, I can’t blame Ryan Reynolds. I should tell you, since we’re only just getting to know one another (hi!), that I looo-oooooove love Ryan Reynolds, because he reminds me of my first serious boyfriend, who was so smug but genuinely adorable. And Ryan Reynolds, that brawny Canadian stallion, has shit-eating, self-aware pseudo-smarm down to an algorithm.

So while I’m floundering around here on my fourth day of work, trying to decide how best to make you kids smirk, Ryan Reynolds is out there penning his own profile — a job ordinarily delegated to overeducated, undernourished journalists — for Entertainment Weekly. The man actually wrote his own cover story.

That jerk nails it, too, right down to the idiomatically conversational first-person plural you can only find in tabloid glossies’ styleguides:

We looked high and low to find just the right writer to pen our cover story on Ryan Reynolds. We needed someone who could match the actor’s sparkling wit, winning charisma, and staggering intelligence, not to mention his deep humility, inspiring humanitarianism, and perfect washboard abs. So we hired Ryan Reynolds. We don’t usually allow actors to write their own profiles, but hey, what can we say. We’re a little obsessed with Ryan Reynolds, too.

The rest of it is great, and he shifts into self-deprecation, but that last sentence of the introductory paragraph! Argh! It’s, just, what a good satire of fawning magazine writing.

I mean, it’s also kind of a dick move — “Look how easy this is! I can do this in my sleep!” — so, whatever, Ryan Reynolds. But also, good on you, you hilarious bastard.

I have a pointed, embarrassing fixation with Jaleel White. A lot of gals-of-a-certain-age might, I think, if only because Family Matters was the first time many-a-preteen tingled at the sight of a guy in too-tight highwater pants. Wait, what? OK, maybe that’s just me. (We’ll call it a neurological misfire.)

Jaleel White is 34 years old now. He’s never had the comeback Doogie had (although maybe Jaleel’s low profile is for the best). Still, he’s spoken before about the challenge of continuing to embody Steve Urkel — a sexually arrested, rodent-voiced geek — even as he entered his teens and his voice deepened.

Um, about that. Jaleel White recently spoke to Vanity Fair, and specifically about Steve Urkel’s crotch:

The fact is that I was maturing. I knew physically I had made certain sacrifices to keep that property alive that just couldn’t be made anymore. I wasn’t changing my hair; I was staying out of the gym. To be honest, I was retarding my own growth as a man in order to maintain the authenticity to what I thought that character should be.

…I was getting network notes on the bulge of my sack! I wore my pants so freaking tight and it was like, after awhile, we got a problem there. So, literally, the last season we loosened up his pants.

I… I’m actually really frustrated right now. I don’t even know what dick joke to make. I didn’t think I could even be this uncomfortable.

It’s like, now I understand why Jaleel White has never successfully staged that career comeback: he’s so synonymous with Urkel, I cannot emotionally distinguish his “sack bulge” from Steve Urkel’s sack bulge. Excuse me while I go die.

But wait! The interview isn’t over yet!

(more…)

Whiplash full by mattkjor

But it’s probably not. Britney Spears co-wrote it, so it’s PROBABLY about Frappuccinos or something.

This is Selena Gomez‘s latest leaked single, Whiplash, and the current Queen of Pop (Demi-Princess of Pop? Dethroned Poppet?) Britney Spears herself helped out with everything, as you can probably hear throughout the song. It’s heavily influenced by Britney’s bumping beats and breathy huffing and puffing, and it actually wouldn’t be too bad if it weren’t for the fact that it’s not Britney singing it.

Selena Gomez is a sweet little girl and all, but there’s only one Britney, jeez. Rip someone like Madonna off, why don’t you girl.

What do you guys think?

Look, it’s Pink and Carey Hart and their positively adorable new baby (sort of pictured, but not, really) getting some caffeinated treats at a local coffee place.

Pink is looking fabulous – and normal, if you’ve ever seen anyone aside from Gisele Bundchen pregnant – post-pregnancy, and it’s apparent that she’s breastfeeding, ’cause THOSE SUCKERS ARE HUGE.

Congratulations to the new family – I can’t wait to see pictures of this little doll!