I stopped listening to “Weird Al” Yankovic when I was about 15, and lately I’m beginning to really regret it. I’m not sure when Weird Al suddenly turned into a grown-up, but his irreverently relevant satire seems way more intelligent and in-touch now than it did in the 1990s.

Why my change of heart, you ask? Last month I saw Weird Al on his Alpocalypse Tour, live in concert—he does a lot of costume changes, just like Cher!—where he sang his Lady Gaga parody “Perform This Way” dressed as a giant peacock.

No live performance, however bizarre, could have prepared me for the music video, in which Al’s head is digitally, disturbingly composited onto the body of a half-naked hot chick. The entire video is destined to hit the Internet on Monday, but the HuffPo has this sneak peek:

“Perform This Way” isn’t the only send-up of Lady Gaga on Weird Al’s next studio release; she also gets skewered in the most recent iteration of his polka medley, “Polka Face“:

Weird Al’s album, Alpocalypse, is out Tuesday. Until then, here’s 25 Things You Don’t Know About Weird Al.

Please, mom, stop reading right now.

Self-made celebrity Chris Crocker—that’s right, the “Leave Britney Aloooone” guy—has been experimenting with a new, scruffy look. And it works? Like, it totally works. Not only does the kid look great, he’s looking androgynous-male-model great.

Chris Crocker is evidently aware of his own ugly-duckling transformation story, and that’s probably why he’s been posting his own nude photos to his NSFW Tumblr. Today, Gawker announces that Chris Crocker is on his way to a feature-length porno, shooting (aaaaauuuuggghh) this summer.

So, um, I guess that’s it, then: I’m about to fulfill my longstanding nightmare of posting a pile of Chris Crocker’s dickshots to the Internet, just as Chris Crocker himself always intended. I… I’m sorry. I’ll, uh, catch you on the flip-side. Good luck.

(more…)

Look! It’s totally my heroine, the lovely and talented Kristin Chenoweth, grinning Glee-fully by the Wendy’s Frosty dispenser on Monday, June 13.

According to Hollywood Life, her celebrity benefits a neat cause: for every Frosty they sell this Father’s Day Weekend (today! And tomorrow!), Wendy’s will donate 50 cents to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. So if you aren’t already considering adoption, well, at least think about maybe buying a Frosty this weekend. Frosties are really good with fries.

I’ve always adored Kristin Chenoweth’s talent, but only today I discovered that we are both adopted ([!!!!] and additionally, both raised as Southern Baptists! Help!), so obviously I am all about Chenoweth’s advocacy work. Myself, I was kind of old for being adopted, so I can’t help but admire the Foundation’s mission—a lot of their work focuses on kids in foster care who often tend, too, to be older.

There’s no fun, friendly way to put this, but this weekend really weighs on me: my adoptive dad died exactly one week ago, after a long illness. There! I finally said it, after a suitably wordy intro, to a bunch of anonymous readers. I hope that’s OK.

So in tribute, I feel compelled to remind you that every parent, like every kid, is so, so precious. If you are able, treat your dads, step-dads, and father-figures to plenty of love and hugs and milkshakes today, and tomorrow, and every day.

I realize that almost all late-night talk television is meticulously scripted. But last night, when smarmy Tonight Show host Jay Leno asked Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Larry David about his 2007 divorce, Larry’s side of the conversation sure had the uncomfortable ring of authenticity.

Larry David on his ex-wife:

Well, she thought that it would be nice to have sex with someone she liked. She wanted to try that. Y’know? She figured she’d give that…. And I said, it’s not a good idea. Because you never wanna have sex with people you like. That doesn’t work. No. You can’t have good sex with people you like. Doing those things? And then you’re supposed to talk to them?

Nicole Polizzi is already a New York Times bestselling author, but she hasn’t quite finished, um, “smushing” the cultural zeitgeist, so to speak.

The ebullient munchkin recently announced her new line of “beach footwear” and flip-flops, primed to launch this very holiday season. Which is perfect! I always start shopping for open-toed platform wedges in December.

No word yet on how much Snooki Enterprises LLC will charge for those pink sequined pickle sandals, but Polizzi promises footwear at every price point, ranging from $15 to $50.

Then again, if you love pickles as much as Snooki does, just follow her lead and duct-tape a Vlasic jar underneath each foot. You know, like Moon Shoes. What.

Yesterday, Stephen Colbert delivered the 2011 commencement address to Northwestern’s graduating class.

To help you through all 21 minutes of Colbert’s speech, I have assembled this handy-dandy Drinking Game! It is very collegiate, challenging the fortitude of your delicate organ tissues.

Please note: Drinking Game Participation shall be in strict accordance with the laws and bylaws of players’ respective counties, states, provinces, whatevers, et al. Note, too: I have also assumed that participants are just lonely enough to sit at their laptop computers and drink directly from Beam bottles. Play at your own risk.

The conditions of the Game are delineated below:

1.) Drink anytime Stephen Colbert gets “meta” or “postmodern.” To clarify, I’ve transcribed an example:

Now, as you have explained to your grandparents, my name is Stephen Colbert. But I also play a character on TV who is named Stephen Colbert, and I don’t always know which one of us has been invited to speak. Well, today I am fairly confident that I am me, because I went to Northwestern University. And my character went to Dartmouth, so he was there for graduation last weekend and heard Conan speak. It was a really good speech, but he was hoping it was gonna be Leno.

(more…)