Oh, you mean you didn’t know Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz were dating? You didn’t even know that Rachel Weisz was still alive after she stopped being in the Mummy movies?  Well, you’re not alone, because the rest of the whole world feels the same way.

The couple, who have been dating since last fall, got married last Wednesday in New York, and it sounds like even most of their own families didn’t know about it.  The secret wedding only had four guests – Daniel’s kid, Rachel’s kid, and a couple of friends.  And that’s how you do a secret wedding, everybody.

If I’d ever seen a James Bond movie in my life, I might have taken a moment here to make some sort of joke about it, you know?  Like I might have made some witty allusion about Bond’s stealth, because I assume he’s super stealthy, right? Seriously, my only knowledge of James Bond comes from that scene in Rent where Collins and Angel dress up like Bond and Pussy Galore, and my brother used to have this game for his Nintendo 64 I watched him play sometimes, but that’s all I got. So feel free to make your own jokes in the comments, and while you do, I’m going to fondly remember how hot Rachel Weisz used to be.  Deal?

Here’s the story: Justin Bieber loves Lil Wayne.  So much.  He wants to rub his feet and take him to the beach and do all those things that people in love do together.  Well, ok, that last bit is mostly fantasy on my part, but Justin really does love Weezy to pieces.  Here, I’ll let Lil Wayne describe it for you himself:

“That’s my little homie now. He texts me every night asking me to do [his] damn song. That’s my nigga, but I can’t do it. Like I said, I don’t want to fuck his shit up.”

What he’s saying is that he’s not about to bring his particular musical stylings to Bieber’s hoards of teenyboppers, which is actually pretty respectable.  However, my newly discovered respect for Lil Wayne is not nearly as strong as my newly renewed love for Justin Bieber, because I’m sorry, but the image of The Biebz desperately trying to get a hold of the ever elusive, wise old Weezy is just too much to bear.

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, last night New York legalized gay marriage.  As if this news wasn’t beautiful enough, the word is that this wonderful decision is making other states reconsider their own stances on the issue.  Do you know how glorious it would be if all the states got it together long enough to make marriage legal for everyone?  It would be more glorious than dry humping Justin Timberlake. It would even be more glorious than Katy Perry’s boobs. And are you ready for this? The complete legalization of gay marriage would be EVEN MORE GLORIOUS than The Rock at Splash Mountain.  And that’s almost unbearably phenomenal.

Just to tie this all in to the celebrity gossip world, do you know what this decision means?  It means that beautiful Neil Patrick Harris will finally be able to marry his longtime boyfriend and fellow father, David Burtka, which is obviously fantastic.  Here’s Neil’s celebratory Tweet:

I know there’s still a ways to go (to directly quote a friend on the Facebook, “New York, New York. They embrace being gay while my state tries to make the word illegal! 6 down, 44 to go.”), but I’m a big believer in celebrating the victories.  So you all celebrate your asses off tonight, and I’ll see you in the morning!

That felt really strange to write. It’s like, when did this world become a place where Jessica Simpson could tell anyone “hey, you have a drinking problem”?  I guess it happened when Ashlee Simpson started looking a little bit like a heartless bitch and also started guzzling “eight to ten bottles of wine a week.” Yeah, probably somewhere around then.

From Star via Celebitchy:

Jessica Simpson has staged an intervention for her troubled 26-year-old sister, Ashlee. Ashlee is in the middle of a painful split from Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, 32, with whom she has a 2-year-old son, Bronx. And reportedly, she’s not handling it well.

“Ashlee is downing eight to 10 bottled of wine a week,” a source reveals to Star. “Jessica is on a mission to save Ashlee from self-destructing, and she told her to funnel her angst into songwriting.”

Knee-deep in wedding prep, Jessica has even enlisted her fiancé, Eric Johnson, who has been helping Ashlee craft songs.

“Jessica has also been writing with Ashlee, but refuses to take any professional songwriting credit,” adds another insider. “The biggest reward for Jess will be seeing her baby sister bounce back.”

I’ll accept that Ashlee Simpson drinks ten bottles of wine every week. I could see that. But the bit about Eric Johnson, Jessica Simpson’s fiance who used to play football and go to business school, helping Ashlee write songs?  That’s just too bizarre in an oddly adorable way, isn’t it?

I believe Star this time around, but what about you guys?  Do you think Ashlee might be downing nearly a dozen bottles of wine every week, or do you think this is just more tabloid nonsense?

“Well, I think we created the only dry humping scene ever seen in a movie. I’ve got to say there’s nothing wrong with a good jean jam. I’m serious. I don’t know why that’s funny to you guys. But also we felt collectively, the both of us, that we had a responsibility. And that was to the young people who are going to buy tickets to, I don’t know, Transformers and go see this movie because they’re underage. It really is a public service announcement for safe sex.”

- Justin Timberlake, who goes on to pronounce “nobody ever got pregnant with their jeans on.”

For those of you not in the know, Justin and Cameron Diaz are in this movie called Bad Teacher, which apparently has a pretty poignant dry humping scene.  That’s why both of them have made some pretty serious quotes about the dry hump and its relevance in society.  I think this is the best one so far though, because it does act as a PSA to dumb teenagers and also because it introduced the phrase “jean jam” into my life.  And that’s another reason why Justin Timberlake is slowly but surely winning my heart.

And I don’t mean Emma Stone as Elizabeth Bennet in just any tired old Pride and Prejudice remake, I mean Emma Stone as Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  And I mean it hard.  She’s been offered the role already, she just has to be sweet enough to make my entire life and accept it.

Emma Stone is obviously beautiful, but she’s also a pretty great actress.  You guys saw Easy A, right?  Emma’s more than capable of carrying a movie, and a period comedy?  I have no doubt that she would blow us all away.

I haven’t read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or anything (should I?  Can we get some book reviews happening in here?), but I’m nearly positive that I would weep for joy if Emma was officially cast.  Because I’m an emotional lady like that.  That, and I’m dying to see if a new Bingley can make me feel as tingly as the last one did.