Some of us are really bad with change.  It’s ok, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re one of those people.  It’s just that, for some of us, whenever something significant or even something we just perceive in our neurotic little minds to be significant changes, we feel like something is trying to claw our insides out from within.  And that’s how I felt when Paula Abdul left American Idol.

But chin up, fellow neurotics, because Paula and Simon Cowell are soon to be reunited in televised singing competition glory! Huzzah!

Paula is going to be a judge on The X Factor, the show that Simon left Idol for.  The panel’s going to consist of Paula, Simon, L.A. Reid, and Cheryl Cole.  But let’s be real, like anyone is going to give a damn about L.A. and Cheryl when Paula’s pulling her same old shit and Simon is existing, right?

I know, I know, two Pirates-themed posts in the same day. But this one is musical, and it involves Michael Bolton and The Lonely Island, and Michael Bolton dresses up like Erin Brockovich. That makes it ok, right?

HATS!!!

Ok, there were also charmingly genteel fashions, mint juleps, and I guess horses*, but really, it’s all about the hats.  I’ve compiled a gallery of this weekend’s events, so check it out to see more of Kate Gosselin trying to stay stay relevant, Ian Somerhalder being scorchingly hot, and the best part?  Salt-n-Pepa!

*Do you guys remember this time last year when it was my very first weekend working here, and I wrote about the Kentucky Derby and some of you ripped me apart because I didn’t care about anything other than the fashion?  Look how much we’ve grown since then!

“I suppose I shouldn’t be saying this, but he was kind of a brat… Actually, he was really nice to me but he locked one of the producers in a closet. And he put his fist through a cake.”

- CSI cast memeber Marg Helgenberger on Justin Bieber‘s behavior on the set of the show.

Ok, I’m sure that Marg here isn’t a liar.  I’m sure that while Justin was on CSI he did lock someone in a closet and punch a cake, but I’m also sure that he had good reason. He’s not a heathen, you know. He’s a humble, considerate, adorable young man, and if he punched a cake, then that cake fucking deserved it.

Maybe it was an exaggeration to say “so many people I love” were there, but there was a good handful.  There was the eternally beautiful Johnny Depp, the always sexy Eliza Dushku, the constantly hilarious Martin Short, and the all around magical Mickey Mouse!  There were some other people there too, like Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens, and Teri Hatcher and whatever she did to her face.  All of those people of varying wondrousness are just detracting from the main story though: why did they insist on making another movie about these damn pirates?

Happy Mother’s Day, moms!  Way to pop them kids out and raise ‘em right!  In honor of all you guys, I’m going to share a few words on the art of motherhood from the creator of one of America’s greatest train wrecks.  Hey, it’s never too late to learn something new, am I right?  All right, let’s let Dina drop some knowledge:

On Being a Single Mom: “The secret to single parenting is to just teach them what you can teach them … And you pray that instills in them for the rest of their life. You let them go, and if they fall, you’re there to pick them up.”

On Discipline: “The boys got into more mischief. Lindsay, I’m trying to think… she was always good in school and was like my little buddy. She never really got into too much mischief young. She was a late bloomer.”

On Being in the Spotlight: “No child’s perfect. They’re going to get into trouble, whether it’s big or small. Unfortunately, we’re a global name so they know about it in Indonesia. But just be there for your child, and if you see signs that they’re doing things they shouldn’t be doing, get them help.”

I could try to get into some serious discussion like I did yesterday about to what degree, if at all, a parent is responsible for her child’s fuck ups, or even some nature vs. nurture talk, but it’s early and it’s a holiday, so just let this all sink in and then call your mom, all right?