I was going to make some kind of lame joke about how it’s apparent who wears the pants in Jessica Simpson’s relationship, but we all know it’s the dude who weaseled his way into her heart nary a prenup in sight, so why bother? It’s still apparently all the rage to Jessica Simpson to not wear pants, and I guess we’re just going to have to get used to it.

The Jessica who’s weight and body shape yo-yos almost as much as Kirstie Alley‘s is looking extra fabulous as of late, and it’s probably got a lot to do with her upcoming wedding.  However? There are totally better ways to show your husband-to-be that you’ve still got it if he wants it than to show everyone else that you’ve got it, too.  YOU JUST KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, GIRL.

So, over the last few days, President of Vivid Entertainment Stephen Hirsch happened across photos of Pippa Middleton this past weekend as she was partying on a boat in a rather skimpy white bikini with her sister, Kate Middleton, and he totally thought she’d be perfect for the lead role in one of his upcoming skin flicks:

“As far as I was concerned, you were the star of the recent Royal Wedding. As I watched a broadcast of the event I couldn’t help but think that with your beauty and attitude, you could be an enormously successful adult star. For just one explicit scene I would be pleased to offer you $5-million and, [of] course, you would have your choice of partner.”

I’m sure the movie would be royal-centered, and would probably feature Pippa as a Duchess Kate Middleton knock-off, and frankly, I don’t know what’s worse: that this guy actually thought she might seriously consider his offer, or that she’d be PLAYING the CHEAP VERSION of HER SISTER.

Jump in for the NSFW photos of Pippa’s nippas and the rest of the photos that turned this Stephen Hirsch dude on so hard (… which isn’t really saying much, considering this was the man who was so bent on get Octo-Mom in a porno, too).

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Though some sources claim that Whitney’s entered rehab for ‘cleansing’ purposes to reprise her Waiting to Exhale role, true sources claim that Whitney’s back in Promises or Vows or whatever because of alcohol and drug abuse.

Whitney‘s battled her cocaine addictions for as long as I can remember (and I’ve been alive almost twenty-eight years; even when I was a kid, I can remember hearing ‘crack is wack’ before I knew what crack was) and though she hasn’t been in rehab for quite some time, it appears that girlfriend’s fallen off the wagon once again.

If this is the case, maybe that long-awaited Exhale sequel will be nixed, and I know I’ll be one of legions disappointed that the only thing that stands in between the production of this movie is a washed-up superstar with a three-decade-long battle with her addictions who can’t get her shit together, and that’s the biggest shame of all.

This would be the best thing about Penelope Cruz. [The Superficial]

Bobbi Kristina brown is turning out to be a really classy lady. [Bossip]

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott adopted a … what? [Celebuzz]

Is Robert Pattinson taking a break from acting? [Earsucker]

Usher looks totally hot ALWAYS. [TMZ]

Ke$ha – is she looking better or worse? [ICYDK]

Paul McCartney is engaged again. [The Blemish]

Cameron Diaz on the set of Gambit. [Caught on Set]

Alicia Silverstone finally had that baby. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Why’s Johnny Depp so bent out of shape about his past? [Huffington Post]

Of course Charlie Sheen recorded a ‘hit single.’ [Bitten and Bound]

How appropriate is this: US Representative goes topless on magazine cover. [Socialite Life]

The creepiest of tampon ads. [The Frisky]

Hey guys! It’s that time again where we’re trying to give more crap away. This time, however, it’s A HUNDRED BUCKS. Yep, you read it right: a hundred BONES. TEN THOUSAND pennies. (Well, alright, not in penny form, but you get the idea … though it would be pretty amusing if I stealthily dropped a sack of pennies on your doorstep.) And? We’re doing it three times over.

We’re looking for your feedback to improve the site even more and to continue making it more user-friendly, and for your responses, your name will be entered in a drawing for a $100 Amazon gift card. The three winners will be chosen via random lottery and will receive winner notification via email.

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What will disqualify you: Duplicate entries. Personal or professional bashing of your writers – there’s just no place for it here, sorry. Affiliation with Evil Beet Gossip, any of its writers, editors, owners, or management and/or employees of other partnered websites. Anything that’s not genuine feedback – like putting the word ‘penis’ into a field where it’s not appropriate – will disqualify your entry. I mean, I like penises pretty much everywhere myself, but there are just some places where they don’t belong, like in a totally serious feedback form, duh. Lastly, intentional spamming of the form. That shit’s just not cool, guys.

What you can do to up your chances in winning: Becoming a fan of Evil Beet Gossip on our Facebook fan page, sharing the page on your Facebook, and following us on Twitter. The more activity you engage in, the more (legal) entries it’ll count for. Example? You fill out the form, it’s one entry. You become a fan on Facebook, you’ve got two under your belt. Combine the other two items with the first two, you just upped your chances of being chosen to win by FOUR. Sweet deal, huh?

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Get going!

I know these photos are supposed to be all provocative and stuff, but I just. cannot. get past the swollen nipple-lips that Lindsay’s still rocking these days. Honestly. Tyler Shields (who shot the photos) is a talented photographer, but the last person that I’d be affiliating with these days would be Lindsay Lohan. I mean, fuck. The world is supposed to end in like, two weeks. MAY 21st. Is that what you really want the world to remember you by? Is Lindsay Lohan really going to be your last major body of work?