“I think he’s adorable. I just saw his movie, and I really didn’t realize how big he was. He’s enormous; he’s just Mr. Man. A lot of the movie is really similar to what I did when I was starting out. I did a promo tour for a year, going into radio stations and all that. It was so cool to see our similarities.”

- Good ol’ Britney telling Harper’s Bazaar about that newfangled Justin Bieber.

Seriously though, what sort of crazy spell do you have to be under to have just noticed the majesty of Justin Bieber? Britney might be broken, but last time I checked she wasn’t the kind of broken where she can’t open her eyes or ears to observe the world around her.

I know that you guys are special and privileged in that you get regular updates on the Biebz, but do you know people like Britney who aren’t aware of Mr. Man?

Let me just get this out of the way:  I don’t care about Penelope Cruz.  I’m not saying that she’s a bad person, and I’m not saying that she’s not mind-numbingly pretty, I’m just saying that in this world of Biebers and Lohans and Pattinsons, I simply don’t have enough room in my heart for every single celebrity.

That being said, Penelope just did the June issue of Vogue, and in addition to her lovely photo shoot, she also managed to say something that might get her a pass to my heart:

When Cruz first moved to Los Angeles, she spoke little English and lived in a tiny hotel room she shared only with cats. Cats, plural. “I was very lonely,” she says. “I would find cats in the street and take them with me. I raised a lot of cats in that period.”

Oh, Penelope.  You were a cat lady?  I love that, I sincerely do. Can’t you just see her hoarding cats in some rundown hotel, nursing poor little strays back to health and confiding all her thoughts, hopes, and dreams to them?

Welcome to my Good List, Penny!

Images courtesy of Vogue

So here are some photos of Katie Holmes in a very mediocre bathing suit, chilling out with her daughter. The girls were photographed sunning themselves and hanging out at a hotel in Miami while daddy Tom was at some kind of mind-control convention or Vulcan death grip practice or something. While she looks great, Katie still kind of strikes me as not exactly being thrilled with the way her life’s turned out (with the obvious exception of her little doll, Suri – you can tell she loves that kid more than life).  I’m still going to say that’s all got to do with coming off second best in Tom’s ‘marry-an-up-and-coming-celebrity-and-then-squash-her-down’ contest.

Just imagine what a different world it would be if Katie Holmes never took the bait and took those vows with Cruise.  She might have married Chris Klein ffs, and then he might not have turned into such a dweeb.  He might have actually stayed relevant.  And not fat.  Crazy.  The speculation could go on and on.

Also, it looks like she’s missing an eyetooth or something in one of the photos. I’m also going to attribute that to being married to Tom Cruise for too long, because he’s probably behind everything else that’s ill in the world as well.

According to sources at Radar Online, Lindsay Lohan was actually PHOTOGRAPHED being a disgusting, drunken, bitchy mess on Sunday night. The natural succession of the evening designated that Lindsay tried to break the photographer’s arm in order to avoid being snapped, and after the photo was taken, and Lindsay failed at being all aggressive, a friend of Lindsay’s intervened and tried to destroy the camera herself:

[After the photo was taken] someone in Lohan’s entourage reportedly grabbed the Nikon point-and-shoot camera from the hands of the fan and dumped it into a bucket of ice used to chill booze bottles.

“We didn’t press charges because we thought it was funny at first. We all were drunk. But then we figured out when we got home that the camera was broken because water seeped in. The memory card, though, was still good.”

You can check the photo out on Radar Online’s site.

Why, though, were the eyewitnesses so keen on getting a picture of Lindsay? Well it sure as fuck wasn’t because she’s, like, a way sought-after celebrity these days – it was because she was LOADED:

“Lindsay appeared to be ‘belligerently drunk,’” the source said. “She and her people were doing shots of something all night. She looked like she was falling all over the place. She was being stupid. When she grabbed my friend’s wrist, another woman who was with Lindsay grabbed the camera. She kept saying ‘I need that camera’ over and over again. So the woman got it and sunk it into  the ice buket (sic).”

Keep in mind, guys, this is the same Lindsay Lohan who appeared on Leno not that long ago and cried for public sympathy, saying she was sorry, made her mistakes, and was ready to move on.  The only thing I’m sympathetic toward? The unsuspecting patrons that happen to be frequenting the same bar as Lindsay on any given night.  It’s apparent that she’s one everyone’s referring to when they yell ‘Who brought the asshole?’

Jennifer Lopez: the next Spiderwoman? [The Superficial]

So are Rihanna and Chris Brown ‘talking’ again? [Lainey Gossip]

Is this Weezy’s woman? [Bossip]

Why did Charlie Sheen borrow 10 million dollars from a network? [TMZ]

Have you heard of Steven Spielberg‘s Smash? Well you need to – NOW. [LA Times]

Rosario Dawson: close to showing you her ladybits. [Socialite Life]

Wendy Williams doesn’t want your man friends. [The Frisky]

Why was Brad Pitt booed in Cannes? [Yeeeah]

PHOTOS: Victoria and David Beckham’s expensive summer rental. [Celebuzz]

Jon Stewart and Bill O’Reilly face off and it’s EPIC. [Pajiba]

Danielle Staub: a stripper? [Amy Grindhouse]

Blake Lively trying REALLY HARD to snag Leonardo DiCaprio. [Cele|bitchy]

10 Famous men who love their sex toys. [The Frisky]

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests. Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address! (Oh, and check your email for your winner’s notice, too, OK?)

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s ass-grabby Russell Brand photo: JT
“When ‘the helping hand’ is taken too far.”

First runner-up: Jason
“Ft. Lauderdale Coast Guard: eat your heart out.”

Second runner-up: EROCK
“TMZ Reports, Katy Perry cheats on Russell with jetski instructor, also Katy really lets herself go by not shaving her legs, arms, face and of course her bikini line! More on this later.”

Congrats to JT, and for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!