Robert Pattinson? Boy, you surprise me all the time. I didn’t know you could sing. Or, you know, play guitar while doing it. For the most part.

The name of the song is called ‘It’s All on You,’ and the lyrics are as follows (by the way? He doesn’t ACTUALLY start singing ’til around the 2:30 mark):

“It’s all on you, baby / You turned your back when I tried to learn / Still I cannot lift my eyes / If your hands are turning mine / But you dared not / What you said our souls could contain / They could contain / But now I’m gone / With a broken twisted soul in mind / But for how long? / Cause I’ve wasted this train of youth all on you, all on you.”

It’s really not bad, if you like that simpering, besotted dan;-but-trendy coffeehouse-type music, and most of it, I’ll be honest with you, I do. I mean, I know the Twihards are probably clutching their throats and sobbing all over the fucking place and making it seem like the second coming of Christ, but honestly – it’s actually alright. Especially when you compare it with some of the musical efforts of his movie star peers. Like Lindsay Lohan. And, um, LINDSAY LOHAN.

See this picture of Leonardo DiCaprio with his hand all wrapped around Blake Lively‘s waist on a boat? There’s no way these two are fucking.

Maybe this speaks more to that fact that I’ve almost exclusively dated broke dudes, but I’m pretty sure you don’t charter a boat unless your dick gets to do some boat metaphor to a lady’s vagina. Did I do that right?

Leo’s been single for a minute now and Blake seems to blow through guys like she’s in her early 20s, physically attractive and successful, so I’m not sure how long these two will last, but hey! If she turns up pregnant in a few weeks, you can’t say you’re surprised.

These photos of pop star Miley Cyrus showing off her flexibility in a sheer lace jumpsuit surfaced on the Internet today and I wonder what she’s trying to say.

J/K, y’all. I know exactly what she’s trying to say. She’s trying to be all like, “Hey, World! If you think that I’m not going to make the same mistakes as ever other average slut and do so publicly despite the fact that I employ dozens of people who have families they have to provide for and I’ve made my millions off of providing parents with entertainment they can trust for their children, suck on this! Wooo!”

She’s great these days, huh?

Well, now that we’ve addressed quality television and the women that made it, let’s move on to the crazy shit: The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

The third season premiered last night and you know that I was stationed on my couch at 9:30 on the nose with a glass of wine and a bag of FritoLay Munchies ready to go. Those bitches are my shit, I live for them, I live for their drama and their fashions and their lifestyle. Live. For. Them.

Here are my notes:

1) I am so glad that this appears to be a Teresa-centered season. I think we all knew after last year’s reunion that there was shit going on with Teresa’s family that we didn’t even know about. My gay husband and I theorized all summer long and honestly? We were thinking that Teresa’s brother’s wife gave birth to Teresa’s husband Joe’s baby. Like, we got pretty dreamy with our conspiracy theories. However, I was not disappointed to find out that they only hate each other because Joe’s a drinker who’s made Teresa’s father kind of turn his back on his son. And I LOVED watching folks throw down at a Christening. That’s some real ethnic white people shit right there. I’m Irish and we’re equally as “passionate” as the Italians, so I really related to watching two grown men get shitfaced and duke it out at a Christening. God bless THAT, am I right?

2) Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley needs to step her fucking game up. I think we can all recall a time when we were a slightly entitled teenager, but Ashely expecting her parents to move her into the city because she can’t go to her bomb-ass internship ever day via the train? Mmmm. No. I did not care for that. Also, Jacqueline really needs to squash whatever kinship her daughter seems to think she has with Lizzie Grubman. That woman is CRAY-CRAY and if she was rubbing my daughter’s back on national television and telling her that she was her carbon copy, I would drag her out of there by her hair, throw on the first train back to Jersey and never look back.

3) I love everything that’s going on with the Manzo family, but Caroline really needs to work on cutting that cord. Her three kids are grown to the point where it’s almost embarrassing that none of them had moved out of her home and she’s crying with fear and sadness at the though of her two sons leasing an apartment less then 30 minutes away? C’mon, Caroline. Don’t be that unhealthy mother. Albie’s like, five years shy of 30. Don’t make a big deal out of him moving out of the house. And stop asking Lauren’s boyfriend when he’s going to propose at family dinner. Poor Vito, right? Didn’t you feel so awkward for him?

Let’s get into this more in the comments and in the poll. I could talk about this all freakin’ day (and I have been, who are we kidding?) so let’s just explore all of our thoughts/feelings, okay?

Anyone who knows me knows that I live for Roseanne. I still watch repeats of her show on TV Land almost nightly and my DVR is chock full of episodes for when I’m going through a rough time. There’s never been anyone quite like her, and if you read her new piece in New York, you’ll learn that, as far as she’s concerned, there never will be.

The entire thing is an absolute must-read that I’ve forwarded to half the people I know, but if you want a taste of one of the better parts of the essay, check out this paragraph regarding her struggles to get some authentic-feeling wardrobe:

I grabbed a pair of wardrobe scissors and ran up to the big house to confront the producer. (The “big house” was what I called the writers’ building. I rarely went there, since it was disgusting. Within minutes, one of the writers would crack a stinky-pussy joke that would make me want to murder them. Male writers have zero interest in being nice to women, including their own assistants, few of whom are ever promoted to the rank of “writer,” even though they do all the work while the guys sit on their asses taking the credit. Those are the women who deserve the utmost respect.) I walked into this woman’s office, held the scissors up to show her I meant business, and said, “Bitch, do you want me to cut you?” We stood there for a second or two, just so I could make sure she was receptive to my POV. I asked why she had told the wardrobe master to not listen to me, and she said, “Because we do not like the way you choose to portray this character.” I said, “This is no fucking character! This is my show, and I created it—not Matt, and not Carsey-Werner, and not ABC. You watch me. I will win this battle if I have to kill every last white bitch in high heels around here.”

That might read as crazy to some of you, but sometimes crazy is what you need to be to get your voice heard. It’s worth losing your fucking mind over something you believe in.

Roseanne fought tooth and nail to get her vision taken seriously and make her show the number one hit that she always hoped it would be. Yes, I devour my Real Housewives too, but we can’t ever forget that those are the dessert and a show like Roseanne is the meal.

She also touches on some important and interesting stuff about Charlie Sheen’s recent battle with the creators of Two and a Half Men and cites Dave Chappelle as someone she admires for having the courage to walk away in the face of a bajllion dollar deal. Like I said, this whole thing is a total must-read.

Miley even *tries* to make getting a tattoo seductive. [The Superficial]

The first public pics of Simon and Paula since The Big Announcement. [INFDaily]

Lamar cheating on Khloe? [Bossip]

Ginger Spice flashes her hot mom ass. [Drunken Stepfather] *Site is NSFW

Top 10 shortest celebrities of all time. [Socialite Life]

Photos of the Jersey Shore twits in Italy (they’re still not dead yet). [Caught on Set]

Note to Gwen Stefani: STOP TRYING TO LOOK LIKE YOU’RE SIXTEEN. [Yeeeah]

Emma Watson with nuts in her mouth. [The Blemish]

Alexander Skarsgard for GQ. [OMGBlog]

Girls who squirt and how rare it is. [The Frisky]

Mel Gibson doesn’t give a crap HOW much Jodie Foster word-strokes him. [Cele|bitchy]

New Christina Applegate series coming to TV? [LA Times]