… Because if you didn’t get raptured, then you have no excuse.
I’m just joshing you, you know I didn’t watch it either. But I did check and see if there was anything on there that you absolutely had to see, and there was. And so that’s what this is.
Justin Timberlake, Lady Gaga, and Andy Samberg joined forces to teach us all about the rules of the threeway. I think they did a wonderful job, and their dedication to education is really inspiring. How many of you have been caught in an awkward situation while you were trying to get your group sex on? Well, no more, friends. No more.
I was sad to hear about Jeff Conaway‘s latest overdose this past week, and I’m sure many of you were as well. Conaway seems like a good guy with a lot of problems, and it was upsetting to think that he might have gone out that way. But, according to Dr. Drew, this whole thing has just been a big misunderstanding. Here are some of his explanatory Tweets:
Just visited Jeff Conaway. He is stable & looks like he will recover from his pneumonia. Not an OD like press is alleging & certainly not dead.
“Why is his manager giving all the reports that he’s in a Coma?” He’s in an induced coma. He’s actually on a Propafol drip.
“That also means he’s intubated and on a vent.” Right. Pneumonia with sepsis. No evidence of intentional OD.
Leave it to Dr. Drew to save the day, right? But you know what this means? It means that either Dr. Drew is mistaken on this, which I refuse to believe, or it means that Jeff’s own manager was like “oh, he’s sick? Probably an overdose, I’ll call the press.” And that’s the saddest thing of all.
How adorable is Sara Rue? Granted, the only things I’ve ever seen her in are The Big Bang Theory and Roseanne, but those are two of my top five favorite shows ever, so the girl’s obviously got something going for her. If you don’t watch either one of those shows, go ahead and get your life together, but then think about all those Jenny Craig commercials on the television these days. That girl in the cute bikini? That’s Sara Rue. Are we all caught up? Good, because now we need to talk about why her wedding is so amazing.
Now, the theme of the wedding is “hummingbirds and butterflies,” and she’s wearing a coffee-colored Amsale dress, which I’m sure will be incredibly stunning (I’ve always thought Sara Rue was crazy hot, can you tell?), but it sounds like the reception is where the good times are going to be.
See, Sara met her soon-to-be husband, Kevin Price, at a Fourth of July party, where he taught her how to play beer pong, and that’s why they’re playing it at their reception. Is that not the most adorable thing you’ve ever heard? Seriously, isn’t it? If it’s not, then please tell me the most adorable thing you’ve ever heard, I’ll gladly listen.
Oh, sorry, were you expecting an actual story here? Because there’s not one. There are oodles of beautiful pictures of Ryan Gosling with director Nicolas Winding Refn at Cannes, but that’s about it. In the wise words of our very own Sarah, “there never needs to be an excuse to run a gallery of photos of Ryan Gosling,” and in the wise words of me, “suck it, I’m about to go to hell, I’ll do as I damn well please.”
“I’m definitely like my own style, like leopard print, like total guidette. Just like everybody loves Gaga. Why does everybody love Gaga? Because she’s herself and she’s not trying to be anybody but her. So I think, you know, I’m kinda like Gaga.”
Snooki, honey child, when I go to the bars in the bad part of town, I don’t see ladies in penis shoes and meat clothes. However, I do see tons of girls who have shoved themselves into too-tight dresses and are probably in the process of dying from hairspray fumes. Guess which category you fall under, sister?
Another interesting fact: Snooki said that if she was asked to work full-time on WWE, she’d say yes. This girl is such a gift.
Are y’all psyched for the apocalypse or what?! Heads are gonna motherfuckin’ roll, you guys. I’m so pumped. Last night, I had the perfect excuse to do my favorite things (make out and watch Zach Galifianakis movies, natch), and today I’m going to be completely worthless and offensive and terrible all day, and if anybody calls me out on it – suck it, I’m about to go to hell, I’ll do as I damn well please.
Sad facts though: the Rapture is supposed to start on May 21st at 6:00 PM, and some people say that it’s 6:00 PM in your specific timezone, so I guess Armageddon will just roll its way across the globe at a leisurely pace. The thing is, it’s already been 6:00 PM on May 21st somewhere in the world, and so far everybody seems cool. That particular theory could be wrong though, so I’m going to go ahead and wait for 6:00, east coast time, and give Jesus a good hour or so to show up, then I’m going to go to the drive-in or something.
Anyway, I know there are some people that want to hear their favorite celebrities’ outlook on the End Times, so I won’t deprive you of that any longer:
See, Pete Wentz, Zooey Deschanel, Roseanne, and Jonah Hill are all very solid people with really reliable opinions, so if you’re running around losing your damn mind over the end of the world, just follow one of these people’s advice and you should be just fine.
I would like to tell you that the term “retard” is very offensive to me. I am not offended because I ASSUME it would offend someone who has mental retardation. I am offened on how the word came to...
I am not offended that Rosie has a fear or anxiety of LP. I feel that when someone knows very little about things and or people they tend to be anxious. Think about it if you had never been around someone...
1
