Good God, beach PDAs, underage tattoos, ass-grabbing, and now foot massages? What’s the world going to be treated to next, guys, full-on sex on the streets of LA?

Justin Bieber and his girlyfriend Selena Gomez continue their beach tour with an erotic foot massage. And yes, it IS erotic, because anything Justin Bieber does with this chick just screams ‘SEX!’, duh.  Just ask his weird-ass Twitter followers.

I know it’s kind of gross to consider these two grinding up and bumping uglies, partially because Bieber is a KID and that’s sort of PEDOPHILISH, but also partially because Justin Bieber has a very young-looking body, too, and that makes me wonder for Selena. I’m not going to speculate and say that boyfriend must be packing, because I think that’s probably crossing a line, but I will say: Justin Bieber is one charmed little boy.

What do we think of Justin and Selena’s PDAs?

This post was going to be about Snooki and how her dumb orange ass was arrested for hitting a police car in Italy because she was too busy picking at her lesions or whatever, but after I wrote a paragraph about it, I decided that Tori Spelling doing absolutely nothing on a beach would be a better topic for today. And that, my friends? Is a fine example of just how important Nicole Polizzi is to me.

Anyway, as you can see, mom-to-be-again Tori Spelling hit the beach with her growing family, and I have to say: girlfriend looks GOOD when she’s expecting. I know it probably has a lot to do with hormones and what not, but her body just looks healthy now, not all dry and shrivelly.

In fact, I was so inspired by these Tori photos that I decided to suit up and head outside myself. It’s a gorgeous day, so I’m writing to you poolside. BE JEALOUS.

What are YOU guys doing on this fine, sunshiny day?

Man, Moby is on fire this month. Remember that time a few weeks ago when he called Britney Spears “broken” and we were all like “daaaamn!”?  Well, it looks like this man still isn’t done ragging on Britney, and this time, he pulls poor, innocent Ke$ha into the mix as well.  In a recent interview with Spinner, Moby was asked about the musical stylings of these popular ladies, and he wasn’t shy about expressing his thoughts:

“It’s fun, but I don’t think of it as music. It’s manufactured. I appreciate it as a pop culture phenomenon and some of the songs I like if I hear them in a shopping mall or something, but it doesn’t function as music for me. Music is something that communicates emotion and integrity in a really interesting, direct way. And when I listen to the pop music you’re describing, it’s hyper-produced corporate product. That isn’t really even a criticism, but I just think calling it music is a misnomer.”

Listen, Moby, you’re a grown ass man.  You’re 45 years old.  I think it’s time to get off your high horse and go sit in your shower and brokenly sing “We Are All Made of Stars.” Not because I think you’re wrong – on the contrary, I completely agree with you – I just feel embarrassed on your behalf.

Way to get people talking about you again, though.  I mean, without resorting to recording a song with Gwen Stefani.

“Those are called abs, not bones, love.  Thanks, but this is my body and I can promise you I’m a healthy girl.  Thanks for your concern, but no need to be.”

This was LeAnn Rimes’ response on Twitter after she posted the bikini pic above and some of her fans pointed out that she looks like she’s dying.  Now don’t we all just feel stupid?! She’s not bony, ok, she looks great and she’s the picture of health and how dare you imply otherwise.  In fact, we could all learn a few things from LeAnn.  So the next time you get on your high horse and think you can discern the difference between muscle and emaciation on a human body, you just check yourself before making such hurtful and stupid comments, ok?

This chick is single and raring to go, dudes. Get some. [The Superficial]

Jessica Alba: hottest pregnant woman ever? [Bossip]

Sneak peeks of the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. [The Frisky]

Serena Williams visits Sean Kingston in the hospital. [TMZ]

Shakira can’t keep her hands – or mouth – off of new boyfriend. [Lainey Gossip]

Details on Sean Kingston’s jetskiing accident. [LA Times]

Alexander Skarsgard on the cover of Interview magazine. [Socialite Life]

The latest in ‘January Jones’ baby is not mine.’ [Yeeeah]

Justin Bieber has a wardrobe malfunction, LOL. [Celebuzz]

The 10 biggest opening weekends for R-rated movies. [Pajiba]

OK, the Royal Wedding needs to go away now. [Amy Grindhouse]

Katie Holmes is starring in a horror movie. [Cele|bitchy]

Sarah Palin going for the Presidential run? [The Frisky]

Emma Watson‘s six-pack is the hotness. [Starpulse]

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address! (Oh, and check your email for your winner’s notice, too, OK?)

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s President Obama photo:
Sophie
“By his sixth Guinness, Obama was ready to lead the way in an ill-timed but rousing rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.”

First runner-up: Lindsay
“I did NOT swallow.”

Second runner-up: Von
“Beer: $4.75
Trip to Ireland: $ 10,000.00
Man doing something to the president from behind: priceless.”

Congrats to Sophie, and for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!