True love?  Is totally blind, deaf and dumb in addition to being eighty-four years old.

Hugh Hefner, who’s most known for his girlfriends-who-could-be-grandkids, is marrying his latest wife, twenty-four year-old Crystal Harris, without a prenup. Can you imagine? WITHOUT A PRENUP.

Best guess, Hef probably has, what, a good four or five years to go ’til he drops. But at the most? I know with modern science and the invention of cryogenics, things could be stretched a few years longer for the average person if you’ve got the dough, but the problem with that is, once Hef finally DOES kick, it’s going to be the cheating Crystal who’s going to walk away with a good chunk of said dough. How much? Uh, let’s just venture a guess at about 75% of Hefner’s 43 million-dollar empire, maybe.

That much.

I guess it makes sense to dump your money back into the economy after you die, and giving it to some floozy to blow it sure will do it, but throwing it all away on what you invested in all your life (um, tits, blondes, and sex) seems kind of, oh I don’t know, PREDICTABLE to me. Surprise us, Hef – rewrite your will and give all of your fortune to all of the starving and neglected kids in America or something. Or really throw us for a loop – will all of your Playboy Playmates as apprentices to the priests at the Vatican. Things could get really interesting then.

If you know anything about her boyfriend, Reg Traviss, and consider him sane, then yes – someone sane IS planning to marry Amy Winehouse.

Reg says:

“Amy and I have been talking about getting married, we are looking to book something very soon. I am thinking of getting something sorted in the next six weeks for the end of the year. I love Amy very much, she’s a wonderful, talented, lovely girl.”

I agree with you, Reg – I love Amy very much, too, and I’m in concurrence that Amy is a talented girl, no doubt. It was Amy, incidentally, who really reinforced my faith in the validity of some current-day artists. However? Girlfriend’s only ever going to be truly ‘lovely’ again if she puts on a few pounds, gets rid of the dirty, shit-caked ballet slippers, and takes those cantaloupe-sized tit bags out. Those bitches look like they were bolted on.

Mucho congrats to the still-happy couple, huh?

The only bit that I happened to see last night was Carrie Underwood performing with Steven Tyler, doing a rendition of Aerosmith’s ‘Walk This Way,’ and guys? I WAS AMAZED. Carrie’s cool and all, and it’s apparent that she can sing, but Steven Tyler? STEVEN TYLER? Totally smoked the place up. Going on the assumption that he wasn’t lip-syncing (and there’s a good, big part of me that says he wasn’t), boyfriend was AMAZING. Steven Tyler, though he’s sometimes often mistaken for a jaded-looking Julia Roberts these days more than anyone else, is a living legend and his voice and on-stage antics are on POINT. And as long as I didn’t have to, like, look at his face, I’d still totally bang him. But that’s beside the point: because I missed the remainder of the awards last night, I missed the winner’s list and the dresses – but fear not: if you missed it, too, and that bothers you, I’ve got it all right here:

Entertainer of the Year
WINNER: Taylor Swift

Top Male Vocalist
WINNER: Brad Paisley

Top Female Vocalist
WINNER: Miranda Lambert

Top Vocal Duo
WINNER: Sugarland

Top Vocal Group
WINNER: Lady Antebellum

Top New Solo Vocalist
WINNER: Eric Church

Top New Duo or Group
WINNER: The Band Perry

Album of the Year
WINNER: Need You Now
Lady Antebellum
Producers: Lady Antebellum, Paul Worley

Single Record of the Year
WINNER: “The House That Built Me”
Miranda Lambert
Producers: Frank Liddell, Mike Wrucke

Song of the Year
WINNER: “The House That Built Me”
Miranda Lambert
Songwriters: Tom Douglas, Allen Shamblin

Video of the Year
WINNER: “The House That Built Me”
Miranda Lambert
Producer: Trent Hardville
Director: Trey Fanjoy

Vocal Event
“As She’s Walking Away”
WINNER: Zac Brown Band featuring Alan Jackson
Producers: Zac Brown, Keith Stegall

Remember back when Justin was allegedly cheating on Jessica Biel with Olivia Munn? Yes? Right, I never got that either. However, now that Jess is out of the picture and groveling at other actors’ feet for a date, Justin has moved along to ANOTHER Olivia, and she’s way hotter than Olivia Munn.

Does the name Olivia Wilde ring a bell for you? It should – she’s hot and pretty talented.  And though she just recently divorced her Italian prince of a husband (no, really, he was Italian and actually was a prince), she and Justin Timberlake were spotted together this past weekend in LA, presumably on a date, as the two arrived at the Roxbury Club in LA and ‘snuggled’ together in the VIP section. Eyewitnesses claim that the two made their ‘snuggly’ way out onto one of the club’s decks, and then around 3 AM left together.  I’m assuming they were headed to his place to do – what else – some more snuggling.

Justin Timberlake’s cute and all, but I’m just not getting how he gets such hot chicks – Britney, Jessica Biel, an alleged hookup with Mila Kunis, and now Olivia Wilde? I know he tries to be charming an funny and whatever, but his soup bit on SNL really isn’t all THAT panty-soakingly great, is it?

“I am a fan of Rebecca Black… I think she’s great. I actually have this really embarrassing video that my sister has on her phone and I’m just waiting till the day that she puts it on YouTube. It’s me driving, singing Rebecca Black and my hands are not always on the wheel while I’m singing the song. Not so good.”

- Miley Cyrus, clearing up any Rebecca Black beef you may have thought she’d had, by admitting she drove unsafely to “Friday.”

While I’m not really too pleased to hear that Miley’s too busy making YouTube videos in her car to keep her hands on the wheel, she’s definitely done worse things in her life that have wound up on the Internet.

Who knew Hayley Williams from Paramore is such a hottie? I mean, I gathered from all the excitement surrounding her nude photos and all the dudes I know who are always saying things like, “Hayley Williams is so hot, I would totally hit that,” that the girl’s passable, but she looks GREAT in her new cover/spread in Cosmo.

One gripe? Can we leave the red hair with Rihanna and Rihanna only? I know Hayley was rocking the bright orange forever, but now red hair BELONGS to Rihanna… and Clifford the Big Red Dog.