Keven Federline is afraid to propose to the new chick that he knocked up in case he knocks up another woman. [The Superficial]

Jake Gyllenhaal moves on to a plethora of pussy (isn’t that what happens after you date Taylor Swift for so long?). [Lainey Gossip]

NeNe’s tatas like WHAT?! [Bossip]

Is Gisele Bundchen pregnant again? [Cele|Bitchy]

Nicole Richie: is she pregnant again, too? [Hollywood Dame]

LeBron James’ mom is a total cunt. [TMZ]

There’s people dying in Japan, but Tom Brady and Gisele are blowing fuck knows how much on a new stupid house that’s way too big for them. Right. [Socialite Life]

Will George Takei be the next Spiderman? [OMGBlog]

Charlie Sheen gets his fans to chant ‘Fuck that bitch’ with regard to Denise Richards. C-lassy. [The Frisky]

So is Kanye West boinking this chick or what? [IDLYITW]

The planned Eva Longoria nipslip with David Letterman. [Yeeeah]

Now, before we even open this delicious can of worms, let it be known that the source is Star magazine, and 99.9% of their ‘stories’ are about as legit as the ones I tell when I’m whacked out on Tylenol PM at nine o’clock at night. But this? Was way too much fun to pass up.

Sources at the magazine are claiming that Brad Pitt is hooking up with co-star Bella Heathcote, a new find for the movie Cogan’s Trade (which sounds like it’s gonna suck, but is being filmed in New Orleans, so there’s some redeeming things going on there), and that Angelina caught the two of them naked in Brad’s trailer, probably about to get it on.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always been pulling for Brad. I think he’d be wicked fun to party with, and I also think he’s got way more talent than people give him credit for. To a lot of people, he’s ‘Angelina’s partner,’ or ‘that dude that Angelina drags along to third- and fourth-world countries.’ But Angelina? Frankly, she’s gotten kind of boring over the last few years. I mean, her save the world campaign is going fairly great, and she does a lot of awesome and respectable things as an ambassador, but for the gossip rags? She’s about as interesting as, I don’t know, Lyle Lovett. Right? I know.

Anyway, this could be super-awesome, and it could unfold the way that I want (Brad jaunting around the gas-lit streets of New Orleans, kicking up his heels and partying with a hot young thing who wants nothing more than a piece of Pitt peen), or it could be a total wash. I’m hoping for the former, but hey. We’ll be realistic: Angelina carried Billy Bob Thornton‘s blood in a vial around her neck; this time around, she carries Brad’s PENIS in a jar. And that, my friends, is why this could just never be.

So this past Tuesday was the 17th death anniversary of Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain, and for me, it kind of passed without much notice. My husband is a hardcore Nirvana fan and I am not (sometimes I wonder what I see in him at all – I’m totally kidding, he’s really great in bed), and we were talking yesterday about how fucking old we both felt knowing that Kurt Cobain was made to eat a gun almost two decades ago. Old, right? OLD.

Anyway, 30 Seconds to Mars’ Jared Leto (or if you remember Kurt Cobain’s ‘suicide,’ My So-Called Life‘s Jared Leto) did some kind of pseudo-audition tape for a Kurt Cobain biopic that he’s hoping will be made so he could star in it. This? Was the result. I actually thought it was pretty good.

What do you guys think of Leto as Cobain? I mean, I always thought Jared was a pretty OK actor, and really, who would do nineties-grunge better than Jordan Catalano (aside from Kurt Cobain, but guys? He’s dead). Love it? Hate it? Are you still crying about Cobain today?

So I don’t know if you guys heard or not, but Heidi Montag is supposed to be starring in a new reality show alongside The Bachelor‘s Jake Pavelka, the social (but way hotter) equivalent to Spencer Pratt. It’s supposed to be something about a bunch of tools opening a restaurant, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be way more than something that simple. You’ll all have to fill me in, because I’m certain I’m going to have better things to do – like re-oiling my dutch oven or something.

Check out Heidi in the gallery, and try to guess the ages of the various pieces of plastic that her body is comprised of. Maybe we can start our own catalog – now wouldn’t that be some real fun?!

I mean, wasn’t that one of the reasons that he and Rachel McAdams split to begin with? Because he thought she was selling out, and he was trying to stay hip and cool in the indie film industry? I mean, fuck, you won’t hear me complain too much: you can only watch Lars and the Real Girl so many times before your soul cries for the caliber of movie like The Notebook again, so I understand, Ryan. Everybody needs a paycheck, and now you should get back together with Rachel McAdams so she doesn’t marry that goon-looking dude that molests her in public because he’s shocked and amazed that he can get such a hot chick. Now’s your chance, man, move on in!

Oh, and hell’s bells, doesn’t this movie look just SUPER?!

The Teen Moms really need to just stay home and take care of their kids, and stop parading around in bikinis from Walmart, you know? [The Superficial]

Helen Mirren and Russell Brand: why are they so fucking creepy? [Lainey Gossip]

FBI files are pointing to one man for the Biggie Smalls murder. [Bossip]

Jennifer Garner looks much better without that parasite Ben Affleck. [ICYDK]

Is Jessica Alba going to be a math teacher? [Pajiba]

Charlie Sheen wants Mila Kunis as a goddess, she says … [Huffington Post]

Now Jennifer Aniston wants to marry George Clooney. [Celebrity Dirty Laundry]

Carrie Underwood throws her husband under the bus on Ellen. [Celebuzz]

Zach Galifianakis is bored to death. [Caught on Set]

Did Britney get engaged? [Popbytes]

The Hangover II trailers have all been destroyed. [The Blemish]

Ever want to see Karina Smirnoff nude? Well hell, here’s your chance. [Bitten and Bound]

Photo courtesy of FHM online