I’m a worrier.  I try not to be, but I really can’t help it.  I think I’ve actually transcended “worrier” status and moved on up to “person with significant emotional issues” – I often don’t text or call people because I think to myself “well, what if everyone they’ve ever loved just died?  Then they certainly wouldn’t want to hear about this YouTube video,” and I have a nightly routine that I do either four or eight times to make sure nothing bad happens while I’m asleep.  Is that crazy? Whatever, I don’t have insurance.  Anyway, the reason for all this preamble is that I tend to worry a lot, and so naturally, I also worry about celebrities.  Twitter, of course, is an excellent means of keeping an eye on these stars, and I’m going to show you darlings a few of the more concerning tweets I’ve found today:

Ok, Kirstie, I get that you’re working really hard on Dancing with the Stars. I’m proud of you.  But there’s a difference between cute references to old TV shows and hinting at some kinky BDSM play.  I know you’re going for the first, but I’m pretty sure a quick poll would show that most readers would at least visualize the latter.  Please consider this in your future Tweeting.

It’s ok, Ice-T, you don’t have to pretend to be the tough guy anymore.  You can hang up that “Cop Killer” rep and settle in to your lovable Law and Order persona.  That’s ok.  It’ll be good for you, snookums.

Tyrese.  Tyrese, sweetheart, no. Oprah is a lot of things, but God’s heart?  That’s not her, baby doll. That’s just not her.

Special shoutout to our friends at WCHE 1520 in West Chester, PA for borrowing their Celebrity Tweet of the Day segment. We’re still not giving it back! ;) You guys can tune in and listen live at WCHE1520.com for even more celebrity-related banter and all-around, general awesomeness with our good friend, the studly Matt Lombardo.

I’m just joshin’ with that headline.  Of course Lindsay Lohan didn’t have a great Sunday, she probably hasn’t had a great Sunday since 2004.  She had a horrible Sunday, arguably the most horrible Sunday one can imagine.  What happened to her, you might be wondering.  And the answer to that is that Michael Lohan happened to her.  Scary, right?

What happened was Lindsay was just hanging out in her home yesterday, being just so sober and responsible when ol’ Crazy Lohan, Sr. tried to break in.  Lindsay understandably didn’t want any part of this, but that didn’t stop Michael from trying to get in, trying to get a peek inside, and banging on her windows.  Our girl didn’t budge though, and eventually Michael had to go assault some ladies or something and wandered off on his own.  No one called the cops.

I can’t decide what’s more terrifying, to have Michael Lohan trying to break into your house or being the spawn of Michael Lohan. Thoughts?

Hey, friends!  So the weekend before last, you might remember that I made a list of my favorite attractive dudes and let you guys vote for who you thought was the hottest.  That was fun, wasn’t it?  Some of you got my taste, which I appreciated, and some of you thought I liked some gross dudes, which is also fine, but one of you suggested that we play this game again with themes (thanks, Lisa!).  And that’s what this is. Same rules as last time, just with fewer contestants and more specificity.  Ready?  Let’s do this.

5.  LL Cool J

Technically speaking, LL Cool J is one of the more physically attractive guys on this list, but since he’s the only one whose music I don’t listen to regularly, he gets number 5.  But you guys, look how beautiful he is.  And remember when he was on that one episode of House? I don’t know about you, but I was like “Hugh Laurie, save that poor man, for he is too beautiful to die so young.”  And don’t even get me started on Deep Blue Sea.

4.  Jimmy Pop of The Bloodhound Gang

Stick with me, you guys.  Because you know that funny guys can be extremely attractive.  And that’s the case here – Jimmy Pop is hilarious, it’s as simple as that.  Well, that, and in this one Bloodhound Gang song, Jimmy sings “I would show up for our pottery class dressed like a pirate with John Waters mustache on a unicorn that shits your name in the stars.”  And if you know me at all, you would know that that’s probably the most amazing thing I could ever hope to hear.

3.  Will Smith

Will Smith has always been and will always be just short of being too gorgeous to exist in our universe.  Sure, he’s had his questionable moments, but, uh, he’s the Fresh Prince.  Do I really need to explain myself further?

2.  Eminem

I have really strong feelings about Eminem.  I mean, I think he’s a good-looking guy, obviously, and I love his music (though the last album I got was The Eminem Show, I still blast “Sing for the Moment” after a rough day), but he’s a little closer to my heart than that. The only reason I listened to Eminem instead of putting the Backstreet Boys or whatever on loop is because my brother told me to. I remember being this little 12-year-old, hanging out with my older brother while he got high or drunk or whatever and explained to me how important Eminem was, and I listened.  I don’t get to see my brother anymore because of a series of bad life choices on his part, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him or that I still don’t get choked up when iTunes decides to play “The Way I Am.” But yeah, cute dude, huh?

1.  Tupac

Oh my god, you guys.  Where do I even start with Tupac? When I was little, my sister had this mesmerizing poster of Tupac in her room, and she let me borrow his Greatest Hits album when I was about 13, which I never gave back (thanks, sis!).  And I put that album on my computer a couple of months ago, and let me just say that nary a day goes by when I don’t listen to a little “Life Goes On” or “Changes” and sing his praises to anyone who will listen (usually Facebook or the puppy).

Last summer, our Jersey Shore sweethearts made news for earning $10,000 per episode.  I remember reading that and thinking “really, these wacky people get paid ten thousand dollars to party on the beach for a summer?!”  But these guys have come a long way since then, and they’re getting the paychecks to prove it.  You want to know how much they’re making for the fourth season?

$100,000. Per episode.

Now, the $100,000 is just for the “core group” of the cast, which probably means Snooki and The Situation, maybe JWoww and Pauly D, but I wouldn’t think the rest of the cast would be all that far behind.

Doesn’t that feel good, guys?  To just snuggle up next to the poverty line while these kids bring in literal hundreds of thousands of dollars to get trashed in Italy?  Is anyone else questioning every decision you’ve ever made?

A lot of you apparently disagree with Molls and me about how silly Pia Toscano is, and that’s ok, because diversity is what makes the world interesting.  However, there’s no reason for any of us to get bees in our bonnets over this girl, because she’s already doing great for herself, and let me tell you all about it.

Did you hear that she already signed a record deal with Interscope?  Well, that’s mostly a lie:  there’s no contract as of right this second, but they want to do a single with her real soon.  They just have to clear it with 19 Management, the company that oversees all the Idol kids.  Pretty impressive, right?  But wait, there’s more.

You know who Pia went out with on Friday night? Mark Ballas, you know, from Dancing with the Stars?  And it went pretty well, judging by this awkward paparazzi clip from TMZ.

So friends, we can hem and haw all we please about whether or not Pia deserved to be eliminated so early or if she’s really all that amazing of a performer, but at the end of the day, sister’s just going to ride this train for all it’s worth, just as she should.  More power to you, girl.

He’s also phenomenal at soccer!  Who knew?!

Just kidding, I don’t know if Justin Bieber is any good at soccer, but judging by these lovely pictures of The Biebz in Barcelona and the fact that he is the greatest gift Earth has been given, I’m going to go ahead and assume that he’s better than Beckham.  Fair?

Let’s cut the small talk and swoon over these pictures together.  Sigh.  It’s just like, “what can’t he do?”, you know?