You guys seemed to enjoy the last time we played “Marry, Kill, Fuck,” so I decided it’s high time for round two.  This time, the theme is “Evil Beet Sweethearts.”  You know, there are a few certain ladies that we especially love around here, and those are the ladies I want to focus on.  Like if we were putting together an Evil Beet calendar, you’d definitely expect to see that hot ass picture above for August of whatever, wouldn’t you?  Yeah, you keep that sexy image in mind while you check out your choices.

1. Lindsay Lohan.  Come on, you know you’d have a kick ass time with this girl.  She’d probably even get you some sweet jewelry – just don’t get all nosy about where she got it.  And on a purely superficial level, Lindsay’s very attractive, save the lip injections and meth.

2. Paris Hilton.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: we’ve presented the theory that Paris’ vagina is radioactive, why would we ask you if you want to have relations with her? Maybe because she’s a sexy minx with a heart of gold. You could pose for sexy Christmas cards together and she could serenade you with her beautiful voice whenever you wanted.  Just watch out for that pesky cocaine problem.

3. Britney Spears.  Pros: Britney’s been marginally less crazy lately, and if you were with her you might get a threesome with Ke$ha!  Cons:  you’d probably have to pretend like her new music doesn’t suck, and that would put a strain on any relationship.

There you have it.  Let me know your choices in the comments!

Then I just saved you hours of tedium and nonsense by showing you this dramatic reading of Gwyneth‘s new cookbook, My Father’s Daughter.  You can thank me with heartfelt tweets and emails.

I knew I was going to show this to you guys since yesterday afternoon, because I love you and I want to share both laughter and tears with you.  The only thing was, I wasn’t sure what to say.  I mean, I didn’t want to simply trash talk Gwyneth, even though it’s so easy. But then, last night, a beautiful miracle occured:  my puppy tired herself out after trying to eat my face for two straight hours and went to sleep right as I noticed that Seven was coming on.  Remember that movie?  That’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s redeeming quality to me. Not even her performance, just that she played the character who indirectly inspired Brad Pitt to cry out “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?” so unforgettably.  Notably, that point in the movie is when the puppy decided to wake up, so I wrestled around with her and said “what’s in the box?” over and over, and that got her really excited.  So, um, that’s what I like about Gwyneth Paltrow.

But yeah, funny video, right?

Remember how Nicolas Cage got arrested yesterday? Well, lucky for him he’s got friends in low places, because none other than his BFF Dog the Bounty Hunter posted Nic’s $11,000 bond.  Hey, what are friends for?!

Dog made a statement to E! about his good deed, natch:

“Media from around the world have been requesting interviews with me today after reports surfaced about my posting a bond for actor Nicolas Cage in New Orleans,” Chapman said in a statement to E! News. “I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show. This is what I do for a living. There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don’t show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage.”

I could poke fun at Dog for his Nic Cage boner, and I could also hint that Dog is still trying to look good for the media after that racism scandal back in ’07.  I could do many things, but I won’t.  I’m just going to mention that this little story has nestled the image of Dog and Nic, BFF extraordinaires, walking down the street hand in hand while “The Best of Friends” from The Fox and the Hound plays in the background in my head forever.  You’re welcome.

I guess this story is aimed specifically for y’all teenyboppers. That’s the only demographic that strongly cares about both American Idol and Twilight, right?  Well, you guys are welcome.

So Paul McDonald?  Impossibly adorable.  He got eliminated this week, which was a tragic moment in my household, but it’s ok, because he’s got other things to do, like work on a new album and bang Nikki Reed, the lady who plays beautiful, bitchy Rosalie in the Twilight movies.  Here’s Paul’s characteristically charming statement about it:

“Yeah, well me and Nikki Reed are dating. It’s officially true. She’s super cool, man, she’s super smart, really cool girl. I’m happy about it. We’ve been hanging out, here and there, you know we’re both pretty busy, but it’s been fun so far.”

And here’s another statement where Paul describes how happy Nikki is that he got eliminated:

“She is actually pumped,” he said. “She said, ‘Dude, you finally get to do your thing and be yourself and be the artist you are.’ She is happy about the whole situation. She has been nothing but cool to me.”

I’m really excited about this couple, can you tell?  It hits on two things that I’m ashamed to be so in love with, which is a really special feeling.  And you guys, I’ve got to confess – I’ve been falling hard for Paul McDonald for the past couple days.  I mean, he’s no Casey Abrams, but he’s wonderful.  I just got his band’s album (The Grand Magnolias, check it out if you’re hipster enough), and it’s crazy good.  If you don’t pull any other glee out of this story, at least check out The Grand Magnolias and let them touch your heart, ok?

Yeah, it’s about that “Judas” business.  Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, heard that in the upcoming music video for “Judas,” Lady Gaga will play Mary Magdalene, some dude will play Judas, and blasphemy will certainly ensue.  Check out some of his harsh words about Lady Gaga:

“This is a stunt,” he says. “People have real talent, and then there is Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga tries to continue to shock Catholics and Christians in general: she dresses as a nun, she gets raped, she swallows the rosary. She has now morphed into a caricature of herself. She is falling short. She wants to shock, does she actually believe her own BS?”

“I find Gaga to be increasingly irrelevant. She thinks she is going to be groundbreaking. She is trying to ripoff Christian idolatry to shore up her talentless, mundane and boring performances. Another ex-Catholic whose head is turned around. This is a stunt. People have real talent, and then there is Lady Gaga. Is this the only way to jet up her performance? This isn’t random, we are getting closer to Holy Week and Easter.”

“Maybe if she had more talent we’d be more offended. She has gone to the well too many times,” Bill said.

Snap!  ”Maybe if she had more talent we’d be more offended.” Them’s fightin’ words that I doubt Bill would say if he knew that Lady Gaga is a Transformer.

Once again, I’m going to have to ask for your input on this one.  See, I hate Lady Gaga’s stupid music (did you listen to “Judas”? One of the lyrics is “wear ear condom next time.”  And that’s absurd), but I also have really unpopular opinions about Judas (the dude, not the shitty song).  I know this because after I went off on a rant about Judas in Dante’s Inferno in a lit class at my tiny Methodist college, my professor pulled me aside after class and said “Emily, you have really unpopular opinions about Judas.”  I’m not going to go into details right now, but suffice it to say that I think that the dude gets a lot of flack that he doesn’t necessarily deserve.  So on one hand, I’m proud of Lady Gaga for possibly addressing my point of view on Judas and for sticking it to The Man, but on the other hand, I want to destroy all evidence that this song ever existed.

What do you think?

It doesn’t look like Rebecca Black is going away anytime soon. She’s making an album with a guy from Tears for Fears, and they’re doing “Friday” on Glee. And, of course, she’s got that sweet billboard outside a Subway in L.A.

I’m so sorry, everyone.  It looks we have a real epidemic on our hands.  May God have mercy on our souls.