Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Marry, Kill, F*ck: The Evil Beet Sweetheart Edition

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

You guys seemed to enjoy the last time we played “Marry, Kill, Fuck,” so I decided it’s high time for round two.  This time, the theme is “Evil Beet Sweethearts.”  You know, there are a few certain ladies that we especially love around here, and those are the ladies I want to focus on.  Like if we were putting together an Evil Beet calendar, you’d definitely expect to see that hot ass picture above for August of whatever, wouldn’t you?  Yeah, you keep that sexy image in mind while you check out your choices.

1. Lindsay Lohan.  Come on, you know you’d have a kick ass time with this girl.  She’d probably even get you some sweet jewelry – just don’t get all nosy about where she got it.  And on a purely superficial level, Lindsay’s very attractive, save the lip injections and meth.

2. Paris Hilton.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: we’ve presented the theory that Paris’ vagina is radioactive, why would we ask you if you want to have relations with her? Maybe because she’s a sexy minx with a heart of gold. You could pose for sexy Christmas cards together and she could serenade you with her beautiful voice whenever you wanted.  Just watch out for that pesky cocaine problem.

3. Britney Spears.  Pros: Britney’s been marginally less crazy lately, and if you were with her you might get a threesome with Ke$ha!  Cons:  you’d probably have to pretend like her new music doesn’t suck, and that would put a strain on any relationship.

There you have it.  Let me know your choices in the comments!

17 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Marry Britney (cause she’s great)
    Fuck Lindsay (but only once because I have to)
    Kill Paris (don’t pretend you don’t agree)

  • Okay okay, sooo:
    Marry Britney. That’s easy.
    I’d say fuck Lindsay (he, whole nother meaning there)
    And that leaves kill Paris. Same as Roxie up there, hmm.

  • Marry Britney (considering the other 2 options…)
    Fuck Lindsay (only once and she needed to be sober(so she doesn’t puke all over me)
    Kill Paris (this planet would be so much better without her… downside – a lot of magazines would go bankrupt)

  • Marry Britney (love her), Fuck Lindsay (though I’d use lots of protection), and kill Paris (racist useless spoiled bitch)

  • Marry Paris (For the inheritance)
    Fuck Britney (So I can brag)
    Kill Lindsay (Well look at her, somebody needs to put her out of her misery)

    But I’m gay so NONE of that’s gonna happen :-p

  • Marry Lindsay because I’ve always had a crush on her. And I’ve always liked firecrotches.

    Fuck Britney, but I’d be paper bagging her (sorry Brit Brit, your horrid weaves and smeared make-up gross me right the fuck out.)

    Kill Paris because she let her douchebag boyfriend call Lindsay a firecrotch. Oh, and she’s got the vapid whore thing goin’ on too.

  • Marry Britney (for money), Fuck Lindsay (because secretly we all think she’s hot and want to see what the “Firecrotch” is all about) and kill Paris (because well everyone would like to see her dead) seams to be the concensus.

  • Britney’s all good. I would marry her in Vegas. The marriage would last 3 days, but I could get alimony for the rest of my life.

    We don’t really have to kill Lindsay. She’s taking care of that herself.

    Paris is racist and vulgar. Killing her means making some sort of physical contact with her, though. I couldn’t stomach the thought of that. Couldn’t we just lock her up in prison? Oh…right.

  • I’m so on-board with fucking Lindsay. I bet she’d take me to the moon and back. The crazy ones always do.

    What were the other questions?

    Oh. I’d marry Brit-Brit, then Lindsay, Britney and I would all kill Paris. And we’d get away with it.

  • Marry Paris, divorce her with half her money.
    Kill Brittany so she stops jiggling all over the place.
    Get a time machine, fuck Lindsay circa Mean Girls, then kill her to save her from herself.
    Does that bend the rules a little?