But I still can’t see why hanging out on the sidewalk, rolling around like you’re on a feather bed at a Los Angeles hotel is now the cool thing to do, according to record-spinning hipster DJs.

Samantha Ronson, who had supposedly reconciled with Lindsay Lohan over the past few months, was spotted making out with a much-hotter-than-Lindsay girl, whom she had spent hours of time with on a sidewalk in LA (I know, I still can’t get past the sidewalk thing – my knees are sore just thinking about it). The new friends were then photographed getting passionate in Sam’s car later the same day.

The girl is Tiffany Russo, a yoga instructor, and Lindsay not only claims to be ‘friends’ with the girl, but also left Sam’s house late Monday night with a teddy bear that says ‘I love you.’ (To Sam’s credit, Lindsay probably bought the damned stupid bear herself, because not only could I NOT see Ronson being apologetic for making out with a hot chick, I could ALSO not see her walking into CVS and buying that sappy-assed shit.)

Maybe this is one of the (myriad) reasons behind Lindsay’s current downward spiral. I mean, wouldn’t you be devastated as fuck too, if your lover chose to suck face with someone who DIDN’T look like a walking bag of infectious smashed ass?

A long, long time ago I had the hots for Rob Lowe. But that was after the crush on his older brother, Chad Lowe, has run its course. Remember Life Goes On? Chad Lowe played Becca’s HIV-stricken boyfriend who eventually died? Man, he was the hottest dying man I’d ever seen, even at the young age of, like, ten.

Rob’s career has come to a sort of revival, and in honor of a new book he’s written, he was offered the cover – and an interview – with Vanity Fair, where he discussed excerpts from his book about both Tom Cruise and Patrick Swayze. About Tom Cruise, Lowe says:

“He’s open, friendly, funny, and has an almost robotic, bloodless focus and an intensity that I’ve never encountered before.” In New York for the second round of auditions, Lowe finds that Cruise is “already showing traits that will make him famous; he’s zeroed in like a laser.” “We check into the Plaza Hotel. I am taken aback at the luxury and spectacle of the lobby…. The front desk tells us we will be sharing rooms,” Lowe writes of the actors’ arrival in the Big Apple. “In a flash, Cruise is on the phone to his agent, Paula Wagner. ‘Paula, they are making us share,’ he says…. The rest of us are staggering around like happy goofs….. ‘O.K., then. Thank you very much,’ he says like a 50-year-old businessman getting off the phone with his stockbroker. ‘Paula says it’s fine.’”

Lowe remembers hanging out with Cruise and the other actors in a gymnasium on set, when Patrick Swayze—who, Lowe writes, “makes Tom Cruise look lobotomized”—“begins to teach us a standing backflip…. When it comes to flips, I’m a pussy. I don’t flip. I don’t even dive into a pool—straight cannonball for me…. No, thanks. Cruise, not surprisingly, is all over it. ‘How about this!’ he says, almost pulling it off without even being spotted. He wipes out, but tries it again immediately.”

OK, so I gather that Tom Cruise was a cheesy tool even back in the day.  Not surprising.  And Patrick Swayze was always hot.  Alright. So, shoot me if I’m wrong, but the book actually sounds kind of interesting, and hell. It’s something I might actually read and enjoy. So, hey, publishing house in charge of stumping for Rob’s book – hook a sister up. I promise to write a rave review even if the book sucks, in exchange for a hot night of sex with the still-totally-bangable Rob Lowe. Fair, yes?

These, man, are some good makeup-applying skills. These are the fucking NAPOLEON DYNAMITE of makeup-applying skills. MAD skills. And that lipstick, my word. There’s just no logical explanation for that wavy, wobbly-assed lipstick application. Both my half-blind, shaky, arthritic grandmother AND Michael J. Fox could do a better job on their worst days with both hands tied behind their backs and a rabid dog biting relentlessly at their asses.

Above, you see Courtney Love, photographed doing something obscure with her old band, Hole.

And don’t you remember back when Courtney was kind of badass and cool in a pitiful sort of way? Jeez. It’s just not that way anymore, guys. This lady’s lost something, and I have a sneaking suspicion that that ‘something’ is called ‘her mind.’

I mean, especially after seeing these photos. There’s no possible way that she COULDN’T be sober, looking like that. You just know that someone who’s gotten so many chances at freedom and starting their life over and over and over again would NEVER touch ANY remotely destructive stuff with a ten-foot pole, because disappointing yourself over and over and over again is just, like, not an option when it comes to being rehabilitated. Not to mention, some people’s pupils are just NATURALLY practically fucking non-existent.

Hah. Who are we kidding. Lindsay’s face is about to fall off from so much cocaine and all I can do is be mirthless about it. Ready? This is me, right here – being mirthless.

Grow the fuck up, Lindsay. Seriously.

Damn. When I think of has-been rap divas losing their mind for practically no reason, I always think of Lil Kim. Still, it was Foxy Brown who was asked to leave a Royal Caribbean cruise because she freaked out after missing her manicure appointment.

From FoxNews:

Passengers on the cruise said Foxy set up a nail appointment on the cruise ship last Monday, a day after the cruise took off, and showed up three hours late.

The staff at the salon couldn’t accommodate her when she rolled around, and Foxy went completely ballistic, TMZ reports.

According to sources, security removed her from the salon and sent her back to her room — where she remained under supervision until Wednesday when the ship dropped anchor somewhere in the Cayman Islands and authorities kicked her off.

Foxy, who performed on board the day before the incident, was then escorted to an airport and flown home. Royal Caribbean had no comment, TMZ reports.

Ugh, just like a star to show up three hours late for an appointment and then throw a fit when they’re not immediately taken care of. Oh, wait. Foxy hasn’t been relevant in like, at least five years? Well, I don’t know what all this is about then.

Tara Reid hasn’t had much luck with her career since her breakout role in The Big Lebowski, so it makes sense that she’d have a special place in her heart for the Coen Brother’s classic, but her new FunnyOrDie video feels like less of a tribute and more of a “I can’t let go of one of the only successful things I’ve ever done,” thing.

The video, which is a mock trailer for The Big Lebowski 2, features Tara playing the parts of everyone’s favorite characters from the original Big Lebowski. It also features Tara’s terrible acting, which is exaggerated greatly by the fact that all she does to slip in to each role is lower her voice a couple octaves. For most of this video she sounds like a child doing an impression of her father. Humiliating.

Don’t you hate it when a celebrity does a FunnyOrDie video and they somehow seem to wind up on the outside of the joke?