No, not from her career or alcohol or even her new man. Singer Christina Aguilera has decided to sell her home, which you may remember as the former Osbourne residence.

The move could be for a whole host of reasons. Now that she’s separated from her ex-husband, she probably isn’t interested in keeping up the kind of space that was built for an entire family, not to mention that the easiest way to break bad habits is to move (that’s seriously how I managed to quit buying Doritos when I went to the grocery store.) But I’d put my money on something entirely different: The fact that Christina’s ex won’t seem to move out. I’m guessing that Christina got tired of her ex-hubby refusing to move out of their place and decided to sell it out from underneath him. Ruthless? Maybe, but who gives a fuck?

Have y’all ever had to do something extreme to move on from an ex?

“I’m actually quite obsessed with unicorns. They are in essence a mythical creature. The unicorn is born magical and it’s not the unicorn’s fault and it doesn’t make it any more or less special or any less unique but it can’t help that it was born with that magic. I had My Little Ponies. I was obsessed with the idea of a creature that was born with something magical that sort of made them the misfit in the world of the stallion.”

- Lady Gaga telling a U.K. radio station about her obsession with unicorns.

An obsession with unicorns? Is she high?

I’m officially dubbing Lady Gaga an “alternative mainstreamer.” Enough playing like you’re original, biotch. Everyone had some plastic horned ponies and a Lisa Frank notebook when they were growing up.

I know, I thought this happened a while ago too, but apparently not.  See, what happened was Charlie was talking mad shit about Two and a Half Men, and they were like “all right, let’s take some time off and see what we can see.”  The show wasn’t cancelled, and Charlie wasn’t fired. Until now.

Here’s Warner Bros’ official statement:

“After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately.”

If you’re interested, TMZ has the official 11-page letter detailing the reasons he’s being fired, but I think we’re all pretty clear on that. Instead, I would think you’d rather read Charlie’s reaction:

“This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

Despite this being “good news,” Charlie is still planning on suing for a breach of contract.  That’s all well and good, but did you guys pull what I did from Charlie’s statement? The binding ritual didn’t work.  What kind of warlock-craft are we dealing with here?

Am I wrong, or was this past weekend kind of lame?  For instance, I had a nightmare about Fred and George Weasley, I learned the hard way that Stars Wars cookies don’t go well with margaritas, and I kept thinking the same damn thing: “there’s just no reason for this.”  That kind of thinking must have carried over to my obsessive Twitter viewing, because I kept having that thought when I was trying to find appropriate celebrity tweets to bring to you on this day.  So let’s check out these senseless tweets, and then take a vote.

I know, Snooki, I get really depressed too when I know I can’t sit with a bunch of strangers and be reminded of my total inability to chit-chat while some angry Vietnamese man jerks my hands around and yells at me for not picking the right nail shape.  I know that’s hard.  But you can beat this.

Elizabeth Banks, I love you.  I really do.  But you have got to be more careful, sister.  I got a box of Samoas yesterday too, but I got them by going to my grandma’s house and having a nice Sunday dinner and then talking to my cousin, whose daughter is a Girl Scout. I didn’t make careless decisions on the road that endangered lives.  I thought you were smarter than that, Elizabeth.

Whatever, Soulja Boy.  Rodney King sang the same song, and you know where he ended up? Celebrity Rehab.  As long as there are Paris Hiltons and Sarah Palins in this world, I’m pretty sure everyone just getting along is just a pipe dream.

Well. OK. The song itself, predictably, makes me want to cut my ears off and bury them in the sand next to girlfriend’s guitar, in hopes that her raucous unearthing of said guitar doesn’t disturb my poor, severed ears so that they may rot in peace and solitude for all eternity. I also want to die quite a bit every time I hear little Willow say ‘I like to rock the beat,’ because THEN all I can think of that stupid-assed lilty-voiced yodel that Ke$ha does in ALL OF HER FUCKING SONGS.

On the positive side, I do know that I’d totally love the video and song both if I was eight again, and then I feel bad for bashing it to begin with. ‘The little girl’s ten years old, Sarah, ffs.’ I KNOW, alright?

And lastly? I don’t get the old lady in the beginning. Can someone with a deeper intellect than I apparently possess explain it to me?

While my friends and I were busy trying to figure out whether Ke$ha would smell like half-rotted fish, stale bottom-shelf menthol cigarettes, and unwashed scalp, Ke$ha went and did this photo shoot for Maxim, cheesily titled ‘She Will Rock You,’ and blew our general suppositions all to hell. We scrambled like frightened birds, totally thrown by the potential for a ‘hot’ Ke$ha and had to regroup a day later to reconvene our think tank.

Now I think she probably smells like the inside of an unused condom (awright, you caught me – I really meant used) PLUS all that other stuff. You know what sweating in latex reeks like after three or four hours … don’t you?