Everybody’s seen the Sassy Gay Friend videos, right?  I can’t tell because I was still in college when the first three came out, the Shakespeare ones, and all the nerdy theatre kids wouldn’t stop quoting them for months, myself included.  We used them for study tools (it’s much more fun to analyze plays when you do it from the point of view of a Sassy Gay Friend), we quoted the clips at parties (“did you seriously just throw up in the bushes?  You’re a stupid bitch.”), and we did Sassy Gay Friend versions of every play we did (and let me tell you, Greek tragedies really lend themselves to that sort of thing).

But lately, Sassy Gay Friend has been branching out from his Shakespeare roots, and finally he’s made it to contemporary movies. And that means I can make you guys watch them.  I think we’ve all grown from this.

You guys know Jay Baruchel.  You’ve seen his precious little nerdy face in movies like Knocked Up, Million Dollar Baby, and Tropic Thunder, or you might know him from his earlier work on Nickelodeon’s “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”  Either way, he’s getting married to Alison Pill, an actress you might know from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  Even if you don’t know who these kids are, let me just tell you that they’re getting married, and Jay has the best proposal story that I’ve ever heard:

“I was going to give her a ring, and I wasn’t sure,” Baruchel, 28, says. “I wasn’t ready in my heart to say what it was. When I gave it to her, I just said, basically, ‘Shit or get off the pot,’ ” he says. “I said, ‘Fuck it, will you marry me?’”

If that’s not the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard, then tell me your tales, because I will surely listen.  Until then, I’m going to get started on a bottle of Boone’s Farm and begin composing a heartfelt letter to my imaginary boyfriend with only a dash of plagiarism of dear Jay Baruchel.

I went with a vague title because I couldn’t decide what to focus on here.  The blonde hair, the Buzz Lightyear necklace, the gross denim jacket.  This must be Chris Brown’s method of coping with the facts that everyone’s seen his penis and everyone hates him all over again.

Just think, Chris, if you could have just kept your cool instead of assaulting your girlfriend, then everybody could love you. Remember that viral video of people dancing down the aisle to your song?  That would have been your claim to fame, the thing that held you in everyone’s mind.  But no, you just had to choke out Rihanna, and now nothing you do will ever be right.  I hope you can find solace in your Buzz Lightyear jewelry, because even that is a little more than you deserve.

I know, it wasn’t a very hard question, but it’s early.  I’ll challenge you further when I don’t start to doze off every time I blink.

Anyway, it’s true, Megan Fox’s latest cinematic effort, Passion Play, isn’t getting a theatrical release because reviews were so bad.  It premiered at the Toronto Film Festival last fall, and according to The Daily Mail, people actually walked out during the screening, and reviewers called it “‘awful’, a ‘mess’ and ‘an absolute car wreck.’”  Yeah, that sounds about right.  Just watch the trailer: do you think you could sit through over an hour of that?

On a positive note, do you know who else spent a good chunk of their career being straight-to-DVD girls? Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Technically they were straight-to-VHS girls, but it’s the same meaning, and look how good they turned out! So you see, all is not lost, Megan.  You still have so much to give. Maybe just lay off the movies for a while and stick to just being pretty, because I feel like you do your best work when you’re not saying words.

Did any of you make a bad decision this week?  Then jump in line, kids, and just know that you’re probably going to have to be somewhere behind this dude.  Just check out that ink – have you ever seen anything so beautiful or so evocative etched onto someone’s flesh?  Can you even begin to imagine how much tail this tattoo is going to get this guy?  And most importantly, what other significant Sheenisms do you think should have been incorporated to make this the best tattoo ever?

Image courtesy of Jezebel

We heard back in January that Victoria Beckham was knocked up for a fourth time.  The first three times, she’s had boys – little Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz, if you’ll recall – but not this time.  This time, she’s got a little Victoria Junior in that womb of hers.  This immediately brings to mind many questions.

How fierce is this little girl going to be?  What moderately wacky name will they come up with for her?  Where will she fit in on David Beckham’s Jesus tattoo?