“You know, I just realized there’s bigger things in the world than just being a selfish, self-centered, prick. There’s times that it’s difficult but, you know, the good outweighs the bad. It’s nice having a healthier lifestyle than I used to have. … I mean, I get along better, I think in general, with everybody in the world. Not only my family, but just even the surrounding people.”
Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy, with a whole new attitude to go along with that smarmy-looking face. Disick, if you’ll remember, was a raging, insulting alcoholic that finally decided he needed to clean his act up. Still, it’s a shame that boyfriend still wears that same egg-suck dog look on his head, because although it’s awesome that he’s embraced sobriety or whatever and a better lifestyle, his face still screams ‘Pretentious douche!’ much like Paris Hilton’s vadge would STILL scream ‘Scabies!’ even if she became a nun or something.
“Anyone that loves animals and is kind like that … she’ll be an incredible mom. I was at Macy’s with her recently and there were 1,000 people there and the little children came up and she lights up. I could see babies and a wedding.”
I know, Kathy, Paris would just be the best mom! Just look at her ever so tenderly cradle that champagne bottle to her mouth, and do you see that wise, knowing glint in her eyes in her third mug shot? That’s the look of a lady who could teach a child a thing or two about the world. And just think – if Paris gets pregnant soon, by the time she has her baby she won’t even be on parole anymore! Let’s get this family started, what are we waiting for?!
Let me save you some thinking time and tell you that yes, you most definitely do. I mean, maybe it’s just from lack of sleep (the only way I can go to sleep anymore is if I imagine Charlie Sheen reading Harry Potter to me by candlelight [in my head, he does a really good Umbridge]), but I laughed so hard at this little version of that sad couple’s break-up:
Rumours were beginning to circulate that things were not great between the couple when the singer turned up to last month’s Academy Awards with his mother, not Jessica. Further cracks had started to show in the relationship earlier that month when Jessica threw the party for Justin at his home at the beginning of the year.
A source told MailOnline: ‘Jessica was overcome with emotion when she stood up to toast her boyfriend on reaching the milestone. She quickly welled-up as she reminisced about the first time she met Justin and joked about how she virtually stalked him into going on a date with her.’
The pair had exchanged numbers on a night out in 2007, but when Justin failed to call Jessica a few days later, she took matters into her own hands and began driving towards his house. She said that before she knew it, she was outside his house and he still hadn’t called her. She joked about how she felt like a stalker, but that thankfully he did eventually call and the rest was history.
During the birthday speech, the actress gushed about how utterly head over heels in love she was with the singer-turned-actor and went on at length about how much he meant to her. But after Jessica had finished her speech, Justin appeared to dismiss her emotional speech by standing up and yelling: ‘Yeah, bitches!’
Ugh, Jessica Biel is so sad. I can’t see how this break-up could have been any kind of mutual – Jessica’s been clinging for so long, there’s no way she’d let go after four years of hard, creepy work. No, my guess is that this birthday party scenario did happen, and Justin’s declaration of “Yeah, bitches!” carried the subtext of “hooray, I just turned 30 and I am about to be officially single because I can’t take this girl’s mental instabilities and self esteem issues into my 30′s.” That’s what I’m choosing to believe.
These days, one of the first things I think about when I wake up is Charlie Sheen. Is that sad? Seriously, my routine involves making the bed, petting the puppy, turning on the computer, and Googling Charlie Sheen. It seems like good ol’ Alec Baldwin has been following a similar routine, because he took some time to write up a bit of decent advice to Charlie:
But you know what you should do? Take a nap. Get a shower. Call Chuck. Go on Letterman and make an apology. Write a hugecheck to the B’Nai Brith. And then beg for your job back. Your fans demand it. You will never win because when you are as big a douchebag as some of these guys are, they have no choice but to snuff you. (Do you secretly want to get snuffed? So you can go back and make movies?)
Sober up, Charlie. And get back on TV, if it’s not too late. This is America. You want to really piss off Chuck and Warner Brothers and CBS? Beg for America’s forgiveness. They will give it to you. And then go back. You are a great television star. And you’ve got the gig. As I learned from closely observing Tony Bennett so I could impersonate him on SNL, this is supposed to be fun.
That sounds like some pretty solid advice, but some of that’s got to sting. How closely has Alec been following Charlie this past month or so? Like, has he heard the man talk at all? Charlie Sheen has centered his life around the idea of winning, and he clearly knows how to work a machete – I’d be a little more delicate with my words if I were Alec.
Because, statistically speaking, I think some of you already have. Either that, or Cee Lo’s just a whole lot of talk:
“I’m definitely having more sex than the average man. Yes, two or three women a night, trust me. The other day I slept with two women – not at the same time – because I was at home and they missed me. But you know, these are my friends, we missed each other. So I just want to give joy and good tidings, that’s what it’s all about. The Lady Killer has got all the girls in a frenzy. Everybody wants to know what’s up with the big man. It makes sense because I’m a great guy – I’m charming, I’m funny, I’m sexually potent.”
Two or three women a night, is it even enjoyable at that point? Don’t you need some downtime to get your fluids back up? Or am I being silly, and Cee Lo really is just living the dream? Either way, my question for you is the same:
I sure hope so, because it was delightful. My one true love, Zach Galifianakis, was the host, and you can watch his opening monologue there to start your day off right. He did a lot of older jokes from his stand-up, but if that means that such a broad audience gets to watch him prancing around in an Annie costume, lip-syncing to “Tomorrow” and triumphantly tossing a handful of glitter into the air, then that’s certainly fine by me.
What did you guys think? I mean, I know Zach is no Miley Cyrus, but it was a pretty good show, right?
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