I know a lot of you guys are totally devastated by the cancellation of Charlie Sheen’s contract on Two and a Half Men, but fear no more: Charlie’s been working on a special new feature film-like project with Radar Online that centers around the current drama that’s taken over the star’s life. The short film, called Operation Greyhound, made its mini-debut this morning on Radar Online’s site (you can watch the excerpts here) and depicted Sheen and his newest goddess, Natalie Kenly, heading up a covert strike team to rescue his defunct trailer from the Warner Brothers studio lot.

The full version of the film will be released later in the month if he doesn’t die before then. I’ll know I’ll be waiting with bated breath.

Are any of you guys having a crap ton of fun at SxSW? Molls is there, and a few of my other friends are there, too, and I have NOTHING BUT LOVE for the city of Austin, Texas. I used to sleep with this one guy that lived in Austin, and he was pretty hot. Mad love for Austin, its people, SxSW and the craziness that usually ensues whenever I travel there.

Naturally, when I’m not there, even more hubbub goes down in the Lonestar State: Jake Gyllenhaal was reportedly in a men’s room at the fest and a dude walked in and took photos of him standing there in all his urinating glory. Rumor has it that some guy snapped the picture of Jake holding his dick, but Jake was suave enough to convince the fan that deleting the picture was his best option. Entertainment Tonight touched base with Jake (bwahahahah) on the incident and Jake confirmed it did all go down:

EW: There are rumors that there was a rather heated scuffle in the theater bathroom last night as a fan tried to take your picture at an inelegant time?

JG: (laughs) That’s true. I think it’s an appropriate space to keep privacy. I hope that people wouldn’t disagree with me on that.

Yeah, it’s pretty nuts that someone would go to such great lengths to take a photo of a celebrity relieving themselves in the bathroom, but hey. There’s a market for all sorts of things these days, guys.

Somewhere, Taylor Swift shakes her fist and demands her money back.

Indeed, this is why we can ignore the fact that Jenny McCarthy probably killed innocent children. [The Superficial]

Further proof that Vanessa Hudgens just gets hotter and hotter every day (eat your heart out, Zac Efron). [The Frisky]

Photographic evidence that Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are continuously all over one another. [Yeeeah]

I totally thought this was Joaquin Phoenix and when I found out it wasn’t, I nearly shit all over myself. [Pajiba]

Charlie Sheen will apparently be doing live shows now. [Cele|Bitchy]

Why Gwen Stefani feels ‘gross’ after becoming a mom. [Amy Grindhouse]

Emma Watson‘s got a big announcement for you guys. [Lainey Gossip]

Apparently Kim Kardashian‘s boobs look fabulous in pink. [Caught on Set]

And this is why Kate Middleton deserves to BE QUEEN. [Celebuzz]

This is why you might not want to run out and see Red Riding Hood this week. [Socialite Life]

So here at Evil Beet we’ve got some more fun stuff in the works for you guys. I know a lot of you are all like, ‘Bitch, don’t be tellin’ me to do stuff’ when you see the commanding ‘CAPTION THIS’ on select postings, so we’ve decided to be super awesome, and in return for your acerbic wit, we’re going to be giving stuff away.

Starting somewhere around April 1st, weekly ‘Caption This’ articles will run and you guys will get some kind-of-awesome Evil Beet-themed stuff shipped right to your door if you’re the funniest. We’ll draw a winner weekly and if your caption is the most amusing, it’ll pays off.

Get practicing!

Eva Longoria turned thirty-six this past weekend, you know. And to commemorate the event, she decided to throw a 20′s flapper-themed birthday party, and guests like Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, and someone who looked suspiciously like Soledad O’Brien (it’s not – sorry, guys, I watched waaaayyy too much CNN this weekend, so I’m seeing Soledads and Anderson Coopers everywhere) partying it up in 1920′s attire. Tony Parker, naturally, was nowhere in sight.

Also, in light of recent events, and because the aforementioned Anderson Cooper ALSO thinks it’s a good idea (and who doesn’t love AC), why don’t you guys text REDCROSS to 90999 – it sends a $10 donation to the Red Cross, who are fighting to aid the quake and tsunami victims in Japan and other devastated areas.

These are not photos of Miley Cyrus drunk, becuase Miley Cyrus would, like, NEVER drink. It’s just not legal, y’all, to drink if you’re under the adult age of twenty-one, so these photos of Miley partying until the wee hours of the morning at Chateau Marmont (the, um, classiest of the classy) in LA aren’t even really anything to give a second thought to. Miley probably doesn’t even know how she got there. Thank God there were some super-friendly people to help her out of the club, or she might not have found her way out and THEN, my goodness, what would the world think?