“First of all, I want to apologize to anybody who was startled in the office, or anybody who was offended or really looked, and [was] disappointed at my actions, because I’m disappointed in the way I acted. I had to release the anger that I had inside of me. Yes, I got very emotional and I apologize for acting like that.”

OK. This is Chris Brown’s apology. … This is Chris Brown’s apology on anti-psychotic meds. Any questions? No? What’s that, you’re cowering in the corner to avoid being hit by flying, furied fists of doom? Well hell. I don’t blame you.

Meanwhile, this is what Chris has been doing in his downtime between smashing windows and acting contrite.

Thanks to TMZ for a heads-up on the photo.

Hey, look, it’s Scott Disick! And he’s on the cover of Men’s Fitness! No, I don’t know why either, but he apparently strung a few words together (I guess he was trying to assume the position of ‘interview’) and talked to them, too, about his former, now-reformed, douchiness. Great.

I’m sorry, I know he’s supposed to be famous or whatever for impregnating one of the untouchable Kardashian sisters, but other than that? I really don’t get this guy. I don’t get his weird, Weekend at Bernie’s-esque cocaine-loving, eighties-vibing half-smirks, I don’t understand his appeal (that’s for damn sure), and I don’t get why people care about what he has to say about the fact that he no longer gets loaded in his backyard, rides his golf cart around like some fucking upper-class hillbilly, while drunkenly harassing his neighbors for merely existing.

But you know what? Scott KNOWS that we’re talking about him, and he doesn’t care. According to the magazine:

“I don’t care how people feel about me. As long as I feel good about the new me.”

That’s good, Scott.  I don’t care about how people feel about me, either.  Kind of liberating, isn’t it.

Scott also thinks that there’s a possibility that some of us might relive his finer moments by replaying them endlessly on our DVRs:

“I’ve definitely had a couple of low points in my life. I’m sure people think it’s the worst thing in the world to relive something like that over and over on TV, but I saw it as a blessing in disguise.”

Yes, mmhmm. Blessing.

“I was making excuses for running around and drinking too much. I realized on the way to the hospital to get surgery on my broken hand that this childish nonsense wasn’t the right path for me.”

And guys? He was going to the hospital for punching a mirror. PUNCHING A MIRROR. You know, I never understood people like that – those who’d put their fist through something akin to what the results would be if they stuck it in a shredder or something, but hey.  They’re apparently out there.

Again, good luck Scott. I still hope you go away, though, and sink back into faceless, interviewless oblivion.

So here’s a video featuring Paris Hilton and her cronies during a past New Years’ celebration, and if you can stomach sitting through a five-minute video with Paris singing along to ‘We Are Family,’ with lyrics demeaning ‘blacks,’ ‘Jappies,’ ‘Jews,’ and other select words that begin with ‘n’ and ending in ‘r,’ without punching your monitor in the face, then you totally deserve a fucking award of some sort.

I don’t know about you, man, but I think this bitch is just straight-up embarrassing. I don’t give a fuck whether or not this video was taken five years ago or even last month – Paris Hilton is an insufferable twat, something like that doesn’t change overnight, and because of that, she deserves to get her teeth knocked in or, at the very least, punched in her abyss-like vulva. If this is how she acts every time she goes out (even aside from the vulgar racist, classist slurs), I’m wicked surprised that it hasn’t happened sixty-four times over.

I did the ultimate in crazy last year: I cut my hair off, and it ended up being about an inch and a half long. It looked good, it was way easy to manage, but I’m still reaping the after-effects of having such short hair.

Perhaps Brooklyn Decker might be able to sympathize. She cut almost a foot off of her own mane, but I have a feeling that hers is going to grow in, um, much easier than my hair has, however; there are probably distraught men worldwide that are gasping and clutching at their chests at the mere IDEA that Brooklyn Decker no longer has long, flowing hair down to her ample ass.

What do you guys think – is Brooklyn just as hot with the shorter hair as she was with the longer hair, and what’s the fascination behind long locks anyway?

Dolly Parton is one of those celebrities that manages to look 20 years younger than her real age while also looking 20 years older than her real age. How come? It’s cause the lady loves to get work done (of the 9-5 variety and the other kind, too.) Fake tatas, face lifts, botox and a possible nose job seem like what she’s had done to me, but maybe you’ll be able to spot some signs of surgery that I wasn’t able to pick up on.

There’s no doubt that Dolly’s a beautiful lady, but wouldn’t it be nice if we knew what her real face looks like?

We all know by now that Tiger Woods is dating an absolutely lovely young woman named Alyse Lahti Johnson, but did you know that she’s been drawing pictures of him since she was a little girl? Like, putting out into the universe that she’s a fan? Dude, that sounds like she accidentally used The Secret to make this relationship happen to me…

From Us Weekly:

In fact, a friend of the grad student tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands now), that Johnson, whose stepfather lives next door to Woods in Windermere, Florida and serves as an executive at his sports management company, used to “draw good luck pictures for Tiger before his tournaments” when she was a child.

“They had photos in their house of their family with Tiger,” says the pal. ”But Alyse never said she was interested in him!”

OK, it’s kinda gross to think that Tiger is dating someone who was once young enough to think that taking a crayon to a sheet of construction paper would bring him good luck, but it’s even grosser to think that she may have brought this relationship upon herself by putting it out into the universe she was interested for more than half of her life.

I’m a big believer in ideas becoming reality after you’ve put them out there enough, so to me this reads like something that Alyse has been hoping for her entire life, but who knows? Either way, who would get with a 2011 Tiger Woods? Protect yourself, Alyse. This dude is a scumbag.