It’s Mariah’s birthday today (did you send a card?), and the two children inside of her almost made their way out to celebrate with her!  Last night, Mariah started having contractions and made a trip to this hospital, and then tweeted about it, natch:

I love that her kids are showstoppers already.  And hey, don’t twins usually come a few weeks early?  I’m just saying that if I had all my organs developed and a diamond-encrusted iPod waiting for me, I’d come out early too.

Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve heard all day?

ABC didn’t press charges when Chris Brown flipped his shit on Good Morning America, and you know why?  Because if they pressed charges, it might hurt Chris’ feelings, and if they hurt his feelings, then he might not make another appearance for ABC, which is the opposite of what they want. What they want is to “milk this event for everything its worth.”  Totally classy, ABC.

E! asked ABC if there were any plans for a Chris Brown reality show, and this is the conversation that followed:

“No, that would never happen here,” said a top-level ABC insider, who knows the current situation regarding Brown very well. “What’s far more likely is orchestrating Chris Brown talking to Rihanna for the first time.”

I’m assured that’s a top get to get at the network right now—especially now that all things Brown have electrified the media so much. And just who would be doing the interview, Diane Sawyer?

“No, she would never do it,” the insider said matter of factly. “It would be Robin [Roberts].”

This is just too rich. The very woman who had the kiss-ass interview with Tiger Woods, and who then made up for it by not letting Brown off the hook for beating up Rihanna, now wants to help bring them back together for some kind of touchy-feeling moment?

“It’s all about the ratings,” replied my ABC source. “At all other costs.”

Does that last bit make anyone else feel dirty?  ”At all other costs,” how gross.  Way to be an enabler, ABC.

Oh, and can I weigh in on the original Good Morning America incident real quick, specifically the part where he ripped his shirt off when he got angry?  Because let me just tell you, I know the guy who tears his shirt off when mad, I know him real well. And you do not want anything to do with that guy.  So all you people who think that he deserves a second chance after the Rihanna ordeal, trust me – dudes who deserve second chances don’t strip the minute things don’t go their way.  They just don’t.

These are stills from Katy’s newest music video, “E.T.”  The video comes out next Thursday, but these stills already found their way out to the public, and far be it from me to refuse to share them with you guys.  Can you dig it?  These pictures look like we’ll be seeing something totally new from Katy, which is nice because I’m not sure how much longer I could stand the nonsense she usually wears.

But listen: is it just me or has Katy Perry been more noticeably ripping off Lady Gaga these days?  Because Gaga’s been real into aliens lately, and for the past few months hasn’t it sort of felt like Katy’s been all “look at me, you guys, I am totally weird too!”  Is that fair to say?  I think that regardless of who’s copying who, both ladies need to give up the alien business, because let’s be real, it’s been done, and it’s been done to perfection.  Time for something new, girls.

Images courtesy of Idolator

How much do we love Reese Witherspoon?  SO MUCH, right? Great, so let’s send this girl our best wishes on her special day!

Reese is going to marry Jim Toth, her boyfriend since January of last year, in a private ceremony at her home today.  And by “private,” I mean that she’s apparently made her guests sign an agreement saying that they won’t discuss the wedding with the press.  Judging by that little tidbit, I think it’ll probably be a while before we get any wedding photos (what a shame, right?), so let’s do the next best thing and look at a gallery of Reese being beautiful throughout the years, from this year’s Academy Awards to the premiere of Cruel Intentions in 1999. Enjoy!

If I had to make a list of my top ten favorite things in this world, the top five would probably include “dressing up” and Pretty Woman. You know what that means, right?  I would kill to go to a fancy opera premiere.  Ok, I’ll be real, I’d only kill if the opera involved Richard Gere escorting me and giving me beautiful jewelry, but still, I would very much enjoy a fancy opera.  With all that being said, I think you can understand why this photo of Mary Kate and Ashley at the Metropolitan Opera is like a knife to the heart.

I know the Olsens have always been wacky with their style, but come on now.  This looks like shit you find at the Goodwill that makes you sad because someone’s grandma obviously just died and donated all her fashion to the less fortunate, and that’s a heavy thought that no one wants on their night out at the opera.  How rude, right?

I know I was, so let’s get it started right.  Because I don’t know about you, but I think that it would be a crime if the vocal magic of Rebecca Black was confined to the specific genre of shitty autotuned pop.  She needs to branch out like a strong, beautiful tree, growing and growing until she can reach the sun and everything under it.

Ok, either that, or I found this last night after margaritas and daiquiris and I laughed so hard I nearly vomited and I wanted to share it with you guys.  You can choose your own adventure on this one.