“I would like to take Jennifer Aniston and put her hair over her fucking face! I’m so bored with her and her stupid movies. They’re all the same, I don’t know how they get financed.”

Too true, Joan.

So when I was planning out what to say for this little piece, I was all set to defend Jennifer.  I mean, it’s not like I love her weak new haircut or anything, but I typically like to cheer for the underdog.  But then I checked her IMDB page and the only thing she’s ever been in that I particularly care for was The Iron Giant, and I don’t think that really counts.   So better luck next time, Jennifer.

Charlie Sheen is golden these days.  We all know that.  And now that he doesn’t have a job, the sky’s going to be the limit to this man’s ability to shenan (that’s the verb form of “shenanigans” for those of you not in the know).  For instance, do you know where Charlie Sheen is right now?  He’s on vacation with his ex-wife (Brooke Mueller, the crackhead he pulled a knife on just in time for Christmas), porn star Bree Olson, and model Natalie Kenly, and no doubt having filthy, crack-tastic orgies. Or is he?

Shame on me for passing judgement so quickly, because of course Charlie Sheen has already beaten his addiction. To quash any remaining doubts, he called up a Fox News radio show yesterday and said some words about how great his life is right now:

On his next project: “It’s called life and fatherhood and fun. I get to step back into the light.”

On being “100% sober”: “If you want to meet me for one of my workouts at 5 a.m., you’re going to find out that smoking cocaine just does not fit in with that snapshot. There’s no time for that right now. If you can find a drug that’s gonna get me higher than I am – I hate to say, on life – just living in the moment, finally enjoying this life, then present that drug. I don’t think it exists. I really don’t.”

To the Two and a Half Men crew: “Be patient, get focused, we are at war … defeat is not an option.”

Ok, Charlie, maybe I’d be more likely to believe how magical and sober you are if I hadn’t written about your 36-hour binger, complete with hookers, a briefcase full of cocaine, and a trip to the hospital, less than a month ago.  But whatever, man, you keep that positive attitude, and I hope it does wonders for you.  Keep the dream alive, Charlie.

evilbeetdouche on Aubrey O’Day Debuts a New Figure at Fashion Week:
“Her ass looks like a black plastic garbage back stuffed with bullfrogs and matzo balls.”

Midwest Chick on Caption This: Justin Bieber Snows Rihanna His Cool New App or Whatever:
“I was gonna say something similar, too. I was thinking he was saying ‘look how big my d*ck looks since I don’t have any pubes yet!’”

AC on Bar Refaeli for Elle:
“I think what’s disturbing you is the dead eyes and mouth breathing in EVERY SHOT.”

blasted1 on Guess Who: Which Celebrity Wife Has Let Herself Go?:
“She’s obviously a lady who most definitely did not sign a pre-nup.”

Who takes it?

No, I can’t tell you how the heck she got hired to rep such a high-profile brand at this very low-profile juncture in her career, but we do have a bunch of behind-the-scenes photos of KiKi on set. I’m a Chanel and/or Burberry girl when it comes to perfumes, so the actual fragrance does nothing for me, but it is nice to see Kirsten (who I actually really enjoy) looking healthier and back in the spotlight.

Check out the photos below and if you’ve had a wiff of this new scent, let me know what you think!

Bam Margera hooking up with an underage chick? [The Superficial]

Charlie Sheen does not hate Jews. [TMZ]

Taylor Swift is dating WHO!? [Lainey Gossip]

So there are some naked photos of Eva Mendes floating around. Totally crazy, right? [The Blemish]

Nelly and Kelly Rowland get it on in Mexico. [Caught on Set]

With Jon Gosselin now hard at work installing solar panels (LOL!) and Kate Gosselin more or less fading into obscurity herself, people are wondering if there’s any chance that the two will reconcile. A source to Kate says “hell to the mothafuckin’ no” on that one.

“There is absolutely no chance of a reconciliation. They remain civil for the sake of the kids, but that’s it. It’s frustrating for Kate that people keep making up stories. They have both moved on,” the source told People.com.

In fact, if anything, Kate is doing everything in her power to disassociate herself from the ex that knocked her up with the eight kids that made her famous. “Kate wants nothing more than to be seen in a completely different light than Jon is viewed. Obviously he is the father of her children and that won’t change, but she is feeling very happy about her decisions and situation.”

Fact is, it’s pretty clear that these two were done long before Jon was caught cheating on Kate with a babysitter. They practically hated each other on the last season of their show, and when I watch old video clips of the two online (whatever! It’s research!) I have to wonder what they ever saw in one another. As a couple, they just made no sense.

I think it’s safe for us to put the idea of this reunion to bed.