If you thought you were worthless earlier today, wait until you get a load of this kid.

Heather Russell, a now 10-year old girl, has just been given a record contract by former American Idol judge Simon Cowell. In the video above, Heather performs a song she wrote on her own and damn! This munchkin can blow. Her voice is incredible, not just for her age, but for anyone. No wonder she got scooped up by even one of the snobbiest folks in the industry.

Heather went from being a girl on YouTube to a professional singer working with Lady Gaga’s producers overnight. The Internet feels a little bit less like a cesspool today.

Verne Troyer AKA Mini-Me AKA the little person who to Ecstasy and pissed on a houseplant and workout equipment on The Surreal Life visited the Western Wall in Isreal yesterday. Wonder what the teeny dude was praying for while stationed in front of the religious monument. Hopefully his career.

(BTW, if you  haven’t seen the videos of our beloved Sasha interviewing Verne’s sex tape partner, you need to get on that.)

Our beautiful little flower Taylor Momsen just did the Korean version of Nylon Magazine (did you know there’s a Korean Nylon? Me neither.) and I’m so thrilled that this is probably what our Asian pals think American teens are like. Of course there’s absolutely no one more classy or qualified to represent the teenage masses. Taylor’s given us endless evidence that she’s a role model and a shining example of what an underage lady should be.

Kudos, Taylor! Kudos!

Aubrey O’Day walked the runway for Indashio during New York Fashion Week, but her slightly plump frame grabbed more looks than the tight black frock she was wearing.

Aubrey has always been rail thin, and while I really like the way she’s carrying her new curves (she looks so happy and healthy, right?), I barely recognized her.

What do you think of Aubrey’s new shape? Is this a result of laziness or some much-needed carb loading? Let me know what you think in the comments and by voting in the poll.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Former Jon & Kate Plus 8 star Jon Gosselin has a new gig and it’s about as unglamorous as it gets. Jon’s working with a Pennsylvania construction company installing solar panels on new homes. Homes probably like the one he’d be able to afford if he was still pimping his kids to get by.

Of course this means that Jon is dead broke. The former IT analyst had to sell his BMW last year because he needed the $25,000 so badly. Now his yearly salary is probably somewhere around that number.

There you go, kids. Proof that doing a reality TV show doesn’t necessarily mean fame and/or security. You can go ahead and trash those Real World audition tapes now.

AC on Jessica Simpson Rocks Big Hair and No Pants in New York:
“That’s because it tastes like bacon.”

evilbeetdouche on Lil Kim Wants Nicki Minaj Dead:
“Violence in rap, didn’t see that one coming. What’s next mistreatment of women, promoting drug use, you say?”

Sammy on Lil Kim Wants Nicki Minaj Dead:
“Ugh. Lil Kim’s a has been troll. The only thing I ever enjoyed about her was watching Diana Ross slapping her boob around. Oh, and watching to see if she could ever NOT look like a prostitute.”

Chaz on Set Your DVR, Lohan’s Gonna Be on Letterman on Thursday:
“Geez Jack…. Ya cunt much, or just havin a lil ouble-tray with your enis-pay? Wait… I’ve got it, you wanna be the meat in a man sammich. Whatever, quit bein a bag of dicks!”

Muttley Macclad on Paris Hilton is Thirty Now, So That Must Mean Her Vagina is Carbon-Dated to Gosh, Who Knows When:
“To quote the Mentors,
“I don’t want your herpes 2
If I get it I will ki-ill you’.”

pinup on Which Young Star Got a New Tattoo?:
“Chin? I’d recognize this facial hair anywhere. (I’m not mean, it’s a fact, she happens to be really pretty girl with hairy cheeks)”

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