Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Paris Hilton is Thirty Now, So That Must Mean Her Vagina is Carbon-Dated to Gosh, Who Knows When

photo of paris hilton's thirtieth birthday party pictures

Happy birthday Paris Hilton! You made it thirty years on this planet without your gitch getting a yellow ‘condemned’ paper slapped on it, managed to sleep with almost all of the F-list celebrity promoters/hangers-on in a forty-mile radius, and best of all? Managed to avoid any real, lasting friendships with, hell, anyone.  Kudos, girl!

Also, to any of the readers or fans (and OK, me) who thought that Paris might be pregnant (but who are we kidding – anything that radioactive has just GOT to be sterile), you’re wrong. At least, if she was before, she sure isn’t now. The tightness of that ill-fitting corset would be enough to induce an exterior fetal discharge any old day.

Happy birthday, sweets!

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