Today's Evil Beet Gossip

The Intimacy Experiment Day Four: There’s No Secrets Anymore

Today’s activity was to review a list designed by the experts at K-Y to gauge our, ahem, boundaries with one another and I have to say – we FAILED. MISERABLY. But after reviewing the list, and checking things off (practically all of them), I feel more like a marital winner than ever -especially with regard to the personal anecdote I want to share with you guys.

Go along with me and ask yourself these questions:

1-Do you sleep with kids and/or pets in your bedroom?

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2-Have you used a telephone or laptop while in your partner’s presence in your bedroom?

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3-Do you spend evenings surfing the Internet, messing around on Facebook, or playing Lexulous (addiction!)?

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4-Bring your cell phone on date nights and use it to tune your partner out?

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5-Leave the door open when you’re doing your bathroom business?

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6-Clip your nails, brush your teeth, tweeze your eyebrows in front of your SO?

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7-Skip a shower or a change of clothes on the weekend because you’re feeling too lazy to do otherwise?

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If you guys are anything like me – at all – you answered ‘yes’ to some or all of the above.

And that’s not to say that it’s a bad thing.

It’s to say ‘who knows.’ This man and I could end up on the road for divorce in ten years, and I can then look back on this experiment and say, ‘Sarah, don’t say you weren’t warned.’ But somehow? I don’t think that’s going to happen.

The second part of the exercise was to go back through the list to assess that, which you do now, that you would NEVER have done earlier in the relationship, and I can say, with certain conviction ‘probably all.’ With the exception of tooth brushing and flossing and eyebrow maintenance. Maybe that’s gross, but you know what? Not to me.

On a related note, let’s talk about comfort levels and early-relationship boundaries: When my husband and I first began dating, I’d occasionally spend the night at his place because he lived 45 minutes away. I never had a problem going to the bathroom at my place or anywhere else, because THE BATHROOM IN THOSE PLACES WASN’T RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIVING ROOM. However, this particular evening, I had to pee desperately, and dreaded using the facilities, because the boyfriend was sitting in the next room, waiting for me to return to our game of chess.

Our very silent game of chess.

I flashed a winning ‘Be back!’ smile, strutted over to the bathroom (while hoping he was checking out my ass) and I closed the bathroom door behind me. I began undoing my belt. The clanging echoed loudly in the tiled bathroom and I knew that I’d have to be creative with the ear-shattering sound of tinkling urine in porcelain. Should I turn on the water in the sink while peeing to cover up the noise? No, I didn’t think of that – the panic of The Big, Imposingly Loud Pee haunted me, and instead of thinking rationally, I pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet, and edged as closely as I could to the front rim of the seat, in an effort to ‘aim’ my urine stream to the front wall of the bowl. And guys? It. worked. It was the quietest pee of my life, and as I wiped, I got ready to stand up and pull my pants up (complete with loud-ass belt) in a smug, ‘I got this’ kind of way.

Unfortunately, I immediately found that the reason my pee endeavor was so quiet was because the pee didn’t end up in the bowl. I’d gotten so close to the edge of the toilet seat that instead of it hitting the front of the bowl silently and running down to its rightful place in the water, it trickled THROUGH the space between the toilet seat and bowl and ran down. the front. of the bowl. ONTO THE FLOOR and ONTO the CARPET in FRONT OF THE TOILET.

I immediately flushed with embarrassment – how was I going to explain that I had peed all over this guy’s bathroom rug? My mind, feverish with desperation, considered balling up the heavy, plush throw rug and throwing it into the -tiny- waste paper basket in the corner. I mentally shook myself out of my panic and tried to think clearly. The only option I had was to try and sneak the carpet from the bathroom, through the living room, where my boyfriend patiently sat waiting for my return to our chess game, through the kitchen, and into the laundry room, where I could dispose of the sodden rug in the washer.

Or.

I could tell the truth. And save myself further embarrassment.

To make a long story short, I ended up telling him what happened immediately, and we got a really, really good laugh out of it. To this day, he’ll bring it up and the whole thing will elicit good-natured snickers of incredulity, and guys? It’s been six years and I’m FINALLY no longer embarrassed by it. That? Says a lot.

Thank you to K-Y for favoring me with the opportunity to share one of the most embarrassing things that’s ever happened to me. Be sure to enter for your chance to win a kit of your own in the comments, and check out K-Y’s Facebook page, Couples Place, for even further hilarity and options to indulge your relationship this Valentine’s Day.

I wrote this posting while participating in a blog campaign on behalf of K-Y® Brand and also received product samples to help facilitate my review. In addition, K-Y® Brand sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.

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