“I thought I looked fabulous before and nobody else did. So, whatever. Now I wear bigger clothes because I don’t like the way people stare at me. I liked it before. Now, you’re just looking at me for the wrong reasons. Before, you were actually looking at me for a real reason.”

A ‘real’ reason? Meaning you were slowly attaining the size of a small barge, Raven? Because truth be told, you were. I thought you looked just fine back then, too, and I’m also super glad that you’ve lost all that weight for health reasons, but let’s not mince words here.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THE NEW HYPHEN.

I saw this photo late last night and I was torn. Denise Richards, arguably one of Hollywood’s hottest women at one point, was photographed removing herself from the Hawaiian surf this past week. And she was looking, well … old. Hot, yes, but definitely not the same chick that bounded tits and ass ’round the world in Starship Troopers by any means. The weirdest part? Chick’s only going to be forty this year. Not fifty – forty.

But let’s not reflect on all that too much. It’s January, I live a half-mile from the ocean and a half-block from the bay, but it’s too damned cold to stick a thick-socked toe into either – and here I am looking at the hairband ho pull her tanned and scarily taut body out of eighty degree water.

I guess I might be a little biased.

Let’s get right down to business, shall we? After a careful analysis of the People’s Choice Awards photos, I have a few questions and more than a few comments.

What do you guys think of Khloe Kardashian’s red-ass hair?

Anna Lynne McCord looks like she suffered a stroke.

I have a real problem with Cory Monteith’s last name.

George Lopez and Ann Serrano are the cutest. couple. ever.

Smile! Zac Efron’s pores are waving hello!

Malin Akerman is totally the next Diane Kruger.

Raven Symone still kind of looks like she ate The Cosby Show‘s Olivia.

Ashley Tisdale’s trout pout is outta control.

All I think when I see Khloe Kardashian standing next to her sisters is ‘Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum … I smell the blood of an undercooked side of beef and ME HUNGRY.’

Maggie Q and Kim Kardashian were probably the hottest women there, if not on the whole planet.

Taylor Swift had some serious cryin’-bags going on.

Oh, and the winners, in case you cared:

[Jump in for the winners and all of the hot People's Choice photos]

(more…)

Go ahead and toss out your Dickens and your Salinger and whatever else used to pass as a good book, because it’s a brand new day. Today, you can walk right into your local bookstore and find Ms. Nicole Polizzi’s (she’s an author now, she deserves your respect when addressing her) sure-to-be award-winning novel.  That is, unless they’re all sold out!

Ok, but sarcasm hurts sometimes, so let me just break this down.  Snooki wrote a novel with a writer named Valerie Frankel about a short young lady named Gia who adventures around the Jersey shore while wearing a pouf.  If that doesn’t satisfy your literary mind, check out these excerpts:

“He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”

“Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

“Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”

“Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

“Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

“I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”

I’ve been trying to motivate myself to get through the complete works of Shakespeare, but I just might need to put that off.  Priorities, you guys.  See you at the Barnes & Noble!

“It is important to note that it was Ms. Lohan, and not Ms. Holland who called 911 on December 12th. Had Ms. Lohan not called 911 – this incident never would’ve been public knowledge, let alone criminally investigated. Ms. Holland has long held that recovery is not always a pretty process and the workings of a recovery center have never been for the faint of heart. As a recovering addict herself, Ms. Holland is proud of Lindsay for making the always difficult voyage toward recovery. Had the interaction between these two ladies occurred in front of a police officer anywhere in this Country, no probation would’ve been violated, no arrests would’ve been made and certainly no criminal charges would have been filed. The recent reports of criminality and probation violations are much adieu about nothing.”

So what’s being said here is that this dumb ass woman (who humbly outed herself as a recovering addict) lost her job over something that was completely blown out of proportion (uh, read: fabricated) and now she’s backtracking in order to either avoid jail time or get a big payoff. And now, miraculously, Lindsay is no longer considering suing Holland. I totally get it now. That’s all you had to say, you know.

Image courtesy of TMZ

So tomorrow premieres the new season of the Shore, and Angelina’s replacement is none other than a look-alike, meatball-esque friend (their words, not mine) of Snooki’s.

The above preview features Angelina Pivarnick’s replacement, Deena Nicole Cortese, and she’s a New Jersey resident that’s, and I quote, a ‘party in a shot glass.’ I’m not sure what that means, and I don’t quite think it makes much sense, but hey. Who am I to judge – I am neither tan, nor juiced, and certainly don’t know my way around a shot glass.  Gracious.

Really though … Are you guys still watching this crap?