Last night, Jesse Eisenberg (the guy who actually did play Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network) hosted Saturday Night Live, and as you can see, he was joined during his opening monologue by Andy Samberg, SNL’s Mark, and later, by the man himself.  And I’m sorry, but who made the decision to cast that Jesse kid?  Clearly it was someone who did not see the innate skill and talent in the very inspiration of the film.  I could watch Mark Zuckerberg perform Shakespeare, Sondheim, or even just talk along with old Golden Girls episodes just like my crazy aunt.  That’s how good he is.

Note:  I doubt you’ll be able to see any of these movies in a theater in 3D with all your hip friends, so settle in to that disappoint straight away.  And keep in mind that my taste are more toward the stupidly funny, the sappiest of sap, and the too indie to exist.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 – By far the best of chainsaw massacres.  The trailer tragically doesn’t showcase how wonderfully hilarious it is, but rest assured that I’ve seen it at least twice a year for at least eight years, and I never don’t think I’m going to vomit from laughing too hard.  The fantastic Bill Moseley plays Leatherface’s older brother, and he has such delightful lines as “Lick my plate, you dog dick!”  and the memorable “You done messed up my Sonny Bono wig!”

4. Paper Heart – The adorable Charlyne Yi does a documentary about love, and along the way, she happens to find it in beautiful Michael Cera.  It’s a sort of half documentary, half scripted thing – to be totally honest, I’m not entirely sure where that line falls.  Regardless, Michael Cera plays Michael Cera, and both versions of Michael Cera fall in love with Charlyne (they actually did date for a while), and also Seth Rogen’s in there a little, and all that’s enough to make me swoon, and that’s enough to make me love this film.

3. The Ten – This is the glorious David Wain’s take on the Ten Commandments, featuring Paul Rudd, Winona Ryder, Jessica Alba, Adam Brody, Michael Showalter, and Michael Ian Black, and if that’s not enough to make you want to watch this movie, then I don’t know what to tell you.  Except maybe this – in this movie, Jesus lives on earth, but instead of bringing on the Rapture, he hangs out in Mexico and spends his days seducing ladies, because he just hasn’t gotten around to that Armageddon yet.  Is that enough?

2. Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical - You guys remember the original Reefer Madness, right?  The educational film from the 1930′s all about “the demon weed”?  It’s that, except with singing and dancing and hilarity.  Oh, and Alan Cumming, who can make even amazing things just a little better.  With such fun-filled songs as “Listen to Jesus, Jimmy” and “The Brownie Song,” this movie can appeal to stoners and straight edged musical lovers alike.  And that’s a powerful movie.

1. Visioneers – I have a whole lot of love for Zach Galifianakis, and this is by far his best movie (and that was decided by me and the only other person I know who has this deep sense of appreciation for the man, so that’s a pretty solid statement).  I once wrote a little over 1,500 words on how much this movie means to me, but I’ll spare you all that (you can email me if you’re that concerned about it) and just say that it changed my life a little bit, and that should suffice.

I know some of you guys have seen some of these movies, so let’s talk about them.  Did you love them too?  Do you have movie recommendations?  Let’s get something going here.

“I knew I wasn’t going to end up on a Disney half-hour show. I mean, look at me! I don’t look like those girls. I just wanted to do a guest spot, like on Grey’s Anatomy.”

-Lea Michele in the March issue of Cosmopolitan.

Ugh, Lea, I know, right? Look at you! Ok, snark aside though, I think this quote could definitely be read as “I look vaguely ethnic and Disney isn’t really into that.”  And that’s a totally fair point, and that’s probably how she meant it.  But putting those snark goggles back on, hush your stupid mouth, Lea Michele.  If a variety of people think that you need to check yourself, it’s usually because that’s precisely what you need to do.

Ice-T, I love you.  You know I love you.  You just have to go through my DVDs and find all my seasons of Law and Order: SVU to see that.  But because I love you, sometimes I have to tell you the hard truth.  And this time, the truth is that you need to stop it.  You need to put down your phone, get off the Twitter, and just take a step back.

You know who else TwitPics topless pictures of themselves, Ice-T? Courtney Love.  And do we want to be like Courtney Love?  The answer is no, we most certainly do not.  So what I need you to do for me right now, Ice, is I need you to pray about it.  Keep working out, keep being proud, that’s great, that’s you, but just pray about it a little more the next time you feel like you have to post this kind of thing for the whole internet to see.  Because honey, and there’s no disrespect here, but you really don’t have to do that.

With my utmost love and respect,

Emily

P.S.  The next time you see Richard Belzer, please tell him that I still have that weird crush on him and that maybe it’d be ok if he were to take over your TwitPic duties.  Thanks!

Ok, I know that the ice rink ice doesn’t technically qualify as nature, but I think it’s close enough.  I’d be way surprised if Vanilla Ice doesn’t also get regularly pummeled by hail or if he doesn’t always mysteriously find that one patch of ice when it snows just a little, and that’s because, just like me, nature won’t ever forgive him for what he’s done.

This little clip is from Vanilla’s latest job as a competitor in England’s Dancing on Ice.  And for that hiring decision, England, you get a warning.  Don’t let it happen again.

And just after I’d made that handy guide on how to be just like Charlie.  How inconsiderate.

But of course I’m joking, because yesterday Charlie Sheen made that long, long overdue decision to head back to rehab, and really, not a moment too soon.  Honestly, I’ve been known to toss back one too many margaritas, but I can’t imagine what it must be like for Charlie to be so deep in with his addiction.  Here’s hoping that this time he can kick it, and here’s the statement from the producers of Two and a Half Men:

“Due to Charlie Sheen’s decision to enter a rehabilitation center, CBS, Warner Bros. Television and executive producer Chuck Lorre are placing “Two and a Half Men” on production hiatus. We are profoundly concerned for his health and well-being, and support his decision.”

Charlie’s publicist added that “he is most grateful to all who have expressed their concern.”