Natalie Portman was asked about her baby plans at the No Strings Attached premiere in LA this week and while she said she has nothing mapped out for the baby’s arrival yet (“I’m very Jewish that way. We don’t do that,” she said), it does sound like she has one thing nailed down: To disappear for a hot minute once that thing comes sliding out of her vadge hole.

Natalie said, “I’ll be out of the public eye after [the baby's born],” later adding that she’ll take any future career moves “as they come.”

Frankly, I don’t think this could be better timing. I’m on Portman overload after hearing every day for the past three months about how her alarming crash diet disguised as acting ability may actually land her an Oscar for Black Swan.

Natalie is fine for the most part. Her Letterman interviews have always been delightful and I appreciate any actress who goes above and beyond to educate herself, but in terms of her actual acting ability? I don’t think homegirl has ever exactly blown me away, but she’s definitely annoyed me on occasion.

All of this Black Swan hype has just rubbed in the fact that I generally don’t “get” Ms. Portman, so I’m really glad her co-star knocked her up, agreed to marry her and will ultimately drag her off to some cave for a handful of years where I don’t have to see or hear from either one of them.

So you know how David Arquette‘s marriage fell apart and he started drinking way too much and then supposedly went to rehab? Well, the “going to rehab” part is starting to look like a lie (or at least something he’s not taking very seriously), mainly because reader Jen K. sent us over a link to a Wall Street Journal bar review that touts David Arquette as not only a bar’s manager, but as an occasional burlesque performer.

From WSJ:

Mr. Arquette will serve as master of ceremonies on occasion and perform, as will his gender-bending sibling, Alexis. Like it or not, much of Mr. Beacher’s entertainment is based dancers in cages and little people, who will also be given their own little bar with a flying bartender.

Ah, yes. Serving up old timey cocktails and dancing on stage with your transgendered sister. Those both sounds like things that someone in the recovery process should be doing.

To top it off, the new bar is adjacent to Teddy’s, the famous bar in the lobby of the Roosevelt Hotel, a notoriously celeb-packed and coke-laced party spot.

For the sake of little CoCo Arquette, I hope the bar considers a change in management.

Christina Hendricks in old-school Playboy. You’re welcome. [The Superficial]

Carrie Fisher in the Princess Leia bikini ages later. Love it or … no? [The Superficial]

Demi Moore goes GREY. Goodbye, Ashton. [Celebitchy]

Check out all of the chicks that Charlie Sheen’s been boning over the past few days. [TMZ]

Jersey Shore‘s Angelina thinks new castmember is ridick. [TooFab]

January Jones goes nude for Versace. You’re not so welcome. [Amy Grindhouse]

Oh Nicole Richie. What have you done? You were looking, like, so classy for the longest time and now you look like a backwoods hussy that used a lemon juice-peroxide mixture to lighten your hair while sitting on your plastic lawn furniture with your swollen ankles soaking in a kiddie pool.

Not cool, girl. Not cool.

Have you seen Hilary Duff lately? Like really seen Hilary Duff? Because, guys, somewhere between getting hitched and probably losing her virginity, girlfriend got really hot.

I was never a Lizzie McGuire fan (I was more into Evil Dead, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things, and Hellraiser), but I always had an outstanding opinion on her … looks. Truth be told? I thought she looked like Mr. Ed’s slam pig. A fucking horse with bugged-out eyes and lank hair. End of story.

However, today? Hilary has emerged, in my eyes, as smoking hot and sophisticated, and though I wouldn’t have batted an eye at her, say, five or seven years ago, I’d bat a little more at her these days. Like, my entire vagina.

What say you guys?

When I think of super-hot sex, the last thing I think of is Sting. Partially because I’m not forty-five, and partially because monogamous, married sex is not my thing. I’m joking about one of those things, but I’ll let you be the judge as to which. :P

Sting and his wife of eighteen years were recently interviewed by Harper’s Bazaar about the longest thing they’ve ever had – their relationship and their mutual love for one another – and discussed just what it is that makes their respective clocks tick:

“I like the theatre of sex. I like to look good. I like her to dress up. I like to dress her up.”

They also think that absence makes the heart grow fonder:

“We don’t get bored. Being apart juices the relationship.”

And after being asked how Sting and Trudie like it in the bedroom, Sting replied:

“Romantic? We like tawdry.”

At the end of the photo shoot, Sting cheekily quipped:

“That was like tantric filmmaking.”

Ugh. Surprise – the father of tantric sex still likes campy sex and cheesy lines. Yawn.  Welcome back to the eighties, guys.

In all honesty, though, I think it’s super cute that Sting and wife are still way into one another. To be together, and married, for eighteen-plus years is a huge achievement in Hollywood, and a lot of couples aspire to that kind of thing, so kudos on whatever Sting and Trudie are doing to keep it all alive.

It’s probably all those boys on the side.

On BOTH sides.