Today is Britney Spears’ big day! The princess of pop turns 29 today and has much to celebrate about, and I am here to give you the top ten things that Brit-Brit should be thanking her lucky stars for on her very special day.

10. Selling over 100 million records worldwide – and counting!
I’ve never been a massive fan of her music, but I have to admit: her early music was the hotness. My best friend bought me the ‘Oops! … I Did It Again’ disc for my eighteenth birthday (oh, shush, don’t pretend you didn’t love questionable music when you were younger too) and it was constantly on shuffle in my car the summer after high school graduation.

9. She has a claim of notoriety in doing the pork sausage polka with Justin Timberlake. Enough said.

8. People actually believed her when she said that she was going to be a virgin ’til marriage. I really liked that bit.

7. Her children, though initially removed, were ultimately returned to her. That’s always a good thing, and even though she went a bit off for awhile, you can tell that she just wuvs those wittle babies and wants to pet them and love them and make them all her own.

6. That pesky conservatorship is still going strong, but it’s been for the best, right? … Right, Dad?

5. Even though she went crack-nut crazy, and that’s never good, she really rocked that the hell out of that pink wig.  I think Britney was probably at her second or third hottest when she donned the magenta nylon.

4. She split up with Kevin Federline. Best move of the decade, IMO.

3. She only spent a day in that drug rehab facility in Antigua. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, rehab works, y’all!

2. She won Best Female Video, Best Pop Video, and Video of the Year for ‘Piece of Me’ in 2008, despite all of her issues and trials – no, really, I think that’s actually pretty amazing and empowering.

1. She’s still alive, kicking, and doing her thing.

Happy Birthday, girl. I’m looking forward to your new album in 2011!

Here we see Alicia Keys, always classy, fugging it up with a travesty of a faux-hawk. I’m not a big faux-hawk fan, I think that a very select few can pull it off and look just alright (like skinny, black-haired emo ninth-graders), but I’m going to overlook the hair for a few minutes to say ‘Damn, Alicia.’ Girlfriend had a baby only six weeks ago and she’s looking slamming. What are they feeding these new celebrity mothers, and don’t start with the ‘oh-it’s-just-breastfeeding crap’ – I’m thinking it’s diet, exercise, breastfeeding and some pretty hardcore diuretics, ’cause I know that I was puffy as a bitch in the weeks after my pregnancy.

Either way, congrats on the birth of your bundle of joy, Alicia, but please – do something about that hair.

There are two things you need to know about me and this post:  I’m a nerd and I refer to anything remotely good that happens in the month of December as a Christmas miracle.  Go ahead and settle into that.  All right?  Ok.

So I was bouncing around the interwebs today, checking up on my Neopets and doing some research on the effects of excess testosterone in women, you know, my day-to-day, and I ran across these videos on Jezebel.  And you guys, this is the first Christmas miracle of the season.  This is just like the story of Jesus – my lack of a social life is the Star of Bethlehem, and Jezebel is the manger, and these 47 videos of history teachers doing educational parodies of songs like “Fergalicious” (“Pharaohlicious – definition, make them Romans angry”), “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” (“A bunch of linen bandages, some natron salt, a knife – I’m ready for the afterlife”), and “Come On, Eileen” (“Oh, Constantine, oh, a saint of Byzantines, with your edict, you changed everything”)? They’re the little baby Jesus.

Go tell it on the mountain, y’all.  Or post it on your Facebook, because everyone deserves to know history to the tune of Lady Gaga.

According to InStyle magazine, Twilight stars and real-life couple Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart know their up-to-the-minute fashion.

The couple was voted to be this season’s ‘Most Stylish Couple,’ followed closely by the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick:

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis:

and Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher:

Other honorable mentions in the top ten included Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony:

and Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens:

All I’m gonna say is that if Kristen Stewart’s ratty black Converse sneakers and band t-shirts come back into vogue, I’m crawling back to the eighties where Flock of Seagulls hair and Cyndi Lauper makeup was appropriate, ’cause man … that’s just BS.

My personal favorite couple would have to be Jon and Kate Gosselin. And yeah, yeah, I know that they’re no longer together, but come on … their style? Just totally transcends any petty relationship squabbles.

Did any of you waste your time watching the Victoria’s Secret fashion show last night? I have friends that, like, make a specific and deliberate homage to their sofas and televisions during these magical times of year when the VS Angels do their little thing on the catwalk – they do it all up with fat-free air lattes and flavorless rice cakes, complete with guilt-free, genetically engineered seedless strawberries. It’s A Big Event for them. Me, I’m glad I didn’t buy into the hype, because I heard (and saw) that this year was especially disappointing and frankly, odd.

Katy Perry performed her latest single, ‘Firework,’ looking aptly like a firework, and as the VS models traipsed along the stage donning weird circus-like garb and lip-syncing the lyrics to Perry’s song, I felt kind of ashamed, like I was watching someone close to me have an embarrassing public nervous breakdown in a really inappropriate place like a confined area for public transportation, but doing nothing to quash it.

‘The sexiest night in telvision.’ Huh. More like, ‘The sexiest and most uncomfortable night in television,’ but not a good type of uncomfortable like the way climbing the rope in school used to be.

Think I’m joshing?  See for yourself.

“I was trying not to get photographed next to her in a bathing suit, for obvious reasons. So I did a lot of stuff on my own. I can’t bring 50 Cent with me, ’cause he’s not a strong swimmer. … I call him Curtis when we’re having sex. … [But] he does have a real name. His name is Curtis. Curtis…I don’t know, I should find out.”

The ever-amusing Chelsea Handler speaks to Jay Leno regarding her recent Thanksgiving day jaunt to Mexico with pal Jennifer Aniston and also addresses the ever-continuous rumors that her fine old ass is being walloped by 50 Cent on the regular.