Here’s Britney Spears’ take on allegations that recent audio tapes of a conversation between her and ex-husband Jason Alexander surfaced. The tapes allegedly portray Britney telling Alexander that her current boyfriend, Jason Trawick, ‘beats on her’ and gives her black eyes when she’s bad, and even when she’s ‘eatin’ them French fried potaters.’

I heard the audio snippets over on Radar Online (here if you want to listen to them), and really? Total crock of bullshit if you ask me, and frankly, the tapes are insulting.

Insulting, you say? Insulting because they make Brit look like a battered woman? Nope. Because she’s calling Jason Alexander, the nameless, faceless, fameless douche of all people? Close, but no dice. Maybe because the chick on the tape doesn’t even sound like Brit-Brit? You’re getting warm – but here’s the dealbreaker: because whomever is impersonating Britney sounds so. fucking. stupid. Mentally incapacitated-stupid. Slow. Set back three grades in middle school. I know Britney’s, you know, ‘country y’all,’ but please. The tapes are so unbelievable in their simple, poor-grammar-runnin’-free kind of way that they’re totally insulting – not only to Britney, but to anyone with a half a brain cell who actually thinks that they’re real.

Also, our gems might not be as good as Brit’s, but don’t forget to follow us on Twitter to connect with the fuckery on an entirely new level!

“Now I am scared I am going to wake up with a decapitated moose head in my bed.”

- Margaret Cho, beautiful comedian and “Dancing With the Stars” contestant, discussing her fears on the repercussions of speaking ill of the Palins.

This all happened on Margaret’s blog, and to clarify, she only had nice things to say about Bristol.  She says she’s “warm and incredibly supportive,” and that she’s proud of her work on the show.  However, Margaret also says that someone who “really should seriously know the dirt really really” told her that Bristol only did the show after being strong-armed by her mom.  Apparently, Sarah thinks she lost the election because Bristol went and got knocked up and tarnished her image (it wasn’t because of anything she did or like politics or anything), and the plan is to pull a fast one on America by making them fall in love with Bristol and her mediocre dancing skills so that Sarah will win the election in 2012.

I trust Margaret Cho, and I think this course of events could have definitely taken place, but would Sarah Palin’s diabolical plan actually work?  Are there people out there who saw Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars,” thought she was nice, and decided to vote for her mom solely based on that?  Please tell me those people don’t exist.

The 2011 Grammy nominations were announced last night and it’s my inclination to say that I’m disappointed by the nominees, but I dunno. It could be worse.

Here are some the nominees in some of the top categories (the full list is here):

Song Of The Year:
Ray Montagne- Beg Steal Or Borrow
Cee Lo Green- Forget You
Miranda Lambert- House That Built Me
Eminem Feat. Rihanna- Love The Way You Lie
Lady Antebellum- Need You Now

Best New Artist:
Justin Bieber
Drake
Florence & The Machine
Mumford & Suns
Esperanza Spalding

Album Of The Year:
Arcade Fire- Suburbs
Eminem- Recovery
Lady Antebellum- Need You Now
Lady GaGa- The Fame Monster
Katy Perry- Teenage Dream

I would give golden phonographs to Ray Montagne, Bieber (so he could fade into obscurity like most other Best New Artist winners) and mayyyybe Eminem, actually.

Surprisingly, the category that I thought was the best representation of the year’s best music was the Best Dance Recording category:

Best Dance Recording
Rocket – Goldfrapp
In For The Kill – La Roux
Dance in the Dark – Lady Gaga
Only Girl (In The World)- Rihanna
Dancing On My Own – Robyn

I’d want Robyn to take that one. Right? She’s so great.

Is there anyone that you’re surprised to see nominated and anyone that you’re sure will win?

Remember just a few years ago when Britney Spears drove through her neighborhood with Sean Preston seated on her lap and we practically crucified her for it? The photos were all over the Internet and she was forced to explain herself in a 20/20 interview (“We’re just country!” C’mon, you have to remember that.)

Well, Mark Wahlberg was photographed doing the same thing yesterday while he test drove a hummer and it’s a considerably smaller deal. No one’s making a fuss over Marky Mark doing the exact same thing in a doorless car that he’s not used to driving in a neighborhood that he doesn’t live in. Double standard much?

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is capitalizing on his Jersey Shore fame by releasing a workout DVD, and the promotional bloopers hit YouTube late last week. I watched these two days ago and laughed, but didn’t find them worthy of posting here. Then late last night ONTD pointed out that at the :40 mark in this video, The Sitch totes has a boner in gym shorts.

Boners happen, I know this, so I don’t know why my instinct is to shame the poor Juicehead (I mean, seriously, you can’t keep that stuff under control for a couple hours, Michael?) I am slightly skeeved by the sight of The Situations erection, but a large portion of my humor is stunted at about 12-years old, so I also laughed really hard and turned around to share it with you all.

And don’t forget, we’ve had a long-running debate about whether or not The Situation is well-endowed, so don’t forget to chime in on that now that you’ve had a better look at the goods.

(BTW, this reminds me of Jim Rome’s classic “Boner in Sweatpants” bit.)

Kirsten Dunst gets a lot of flack – at least from what I’ve seen – but you know what? I like her. There’s just something raunchy-hippie-likable about her, and she looks like she eats Oodles of Noodles (or, you know, ‘Ramen Noodles,’ if you want to call ‘em by their wrong name).  Anyone who eats those? Cool in my book.  I also think that she’s pretty talented as far as actresses go. I mean come on. Jumanji? Elizabethtown? Girl’s got some serious acting chops.

So for those of you who smugly thought that her career was over after the Spiderman movies, you thought wrong – Dunsty has a new movie coming out called All the Good Things, and it looks … pretty great, actually.

It’s got murder, social hierarchy, Mercedes(es … Mercedii?), effed up families that make their kids do effed up things, and above all, RYAN GOSLING.

I hadn’t heard about it ’til now – a bit behind the game on this one, as it premiered last night – but it sounds intriguing, and ’cause I love Kirsten Dunst, going to the movies, and Ryan Gosling, I think I’m going to have to make a date to check it out.

What do you guys think of the trailer? Will you see it?