“I never found myself needing that piece of paper. Marriage is really from soul to soul, heart to heart. You don’t need somebody to say, okay you’re married… If Vanessa wanted to get hitched, why not… But the thing is, I’d be so scared of ruining her last name. She’s got such a good last name.”

- Johnny Depp, making the whole world swoon while discussing his lady, Vanessa Paradis.

Now there are a good amount of guys who will pull the “no, baby, you want to get engaged? What’s a ring, what’s a piece of paper when we’ve got love?”  And a lot of times, that kind of thinking reads more like “I like you and everything, but I’d like to keep my options open,” but sometimes it’s true, and I think this is the case with Johnny Depp.  I mean, it’s not like he’s playing the field, and he and Vanessa seem to have a nice little family, right?

Or maybe my mind is just twisted from growing up on Edward Scissorhands, Cry-Baby, and Benny and Joon and I am incapable of seeing Johnny Depp as anything other than a beautifully tragic hero.  That’s a strong possibility.

Ok, I know “everyone we cared about in the 80′s and 90′s” is a pretty large group, and granted, there is not a single Spice Girl in the video, but it’s still a solid representation.  Jason Alexander. Ricki Lake. Norm from Cheers, Theo from The Cosby Show. Carlton from Fresh Prince breaks it down.  What’s that? Those names are enough for your highfalutin tastes? Fair enough.  What if I told you that Glenn Close and Right Said Fred are also involved?  Still not enough?  Fine.  SMFG is there. That’s right, Steve Motherfucking Guttenberg.  And I defy you to name someone more important.

But really, I defy you.  I’m not saying that Steve Guttenberg was the most influential actor of the 80′s and 90′s (even though in a different, very correct sense I am definitely saying that), I’m just wondering what your favorite appearance in the video was.  I care about what you care about, and that’s why our relationship works.

I have a lot of love for Hugh Jackman.  I mean, a whole lot of love.  In my dorm room last year, I arranged this Trashy Girl collage on the inside of my closet door to amuse myself every morning – they were mostly pictures from Maxim of dumb-looking girls in football jerseys dribbling toothpaste and milk down their chins – and the centerpiece of the collage?  A picture of Hugh Jackman in a downtrodden pose, looking disappointed at the female youth of the country.  Ok, maybe you had to be there, but the point is that I adore Hugh Jackman, and I also adore puppies, and beautiful dudes playing with puppies?  It’s almost too much wonderful.

Are there cool terms like “Bieber Fever” concerning Kanye? Because that’s what I have. Maybe I have West Vile virus. Get it, like West Nile because his last name is West, but Vile instead of Nile because a river isn’t involved and in reality I think he’s ridiculous? Yeah, I think I’m going with that. I have a sarcastic strain of the West Vile virus, and I’m in bad shape. And for all you ladies who are with me in this sickened state, Kanye had the decency to let us know what he’s looking for in the love department:

I’m a hopeless romantic and I’m looking and trying to decide who the mother of my child will be. It’s not going to be based off a whim of being in love; she has to bring a certain level to the table. I want to be married, I want that super dope counterpart, that one woman, but she has to be super-fresh, super-smart and not overwhelmed, because being with me is gonna be a job (laughs). She can’t be overwhelmed by her career. I’ll find her, maybe I’ll be 38… maybe I’m not fully who I am yet, maybe that’s why I haven’t found her… The main quality is that you know that this person will ride or die for you. Whether she’s mad at you, whether she’s with you or not, she still loves you, she still bigs you up in any circle. She doesn’t talk down about you to other people. That’s the main thing I need.

Kanye, I was right there with you, I really was. I am for sure super dope, and there is no doubt in my mind about my ability to ride or die. But your big requirement of not talking shit about you? I just can’t do that. That’s my job, Kanye.

Good luck to the rest of you gals. Here’s to your super-freshness.

Yep, The Beaver is coming, everybody, and there’s a trailer to prove it.  I think it looks like the kind of movie I’d be into – the trailer made me think of Visioneers (have you guys seen Visioneers? It’s Zach Galifianakis’ best movie.  It’s on Netflix. Please just go watch Visioneers.) – but I’m not sure about it. Mel Gibson’s crazy is throwing me off.  On one hand, Mel is a fantastic actor and I’d probably love this movie, but on the other hand, Mel is a pretty fucked up dude, and I’m not sure I want to be donating any money, no matter how small an amount, to him.  Are you guys with me?

We only have until the spring to decide, so let’s go ahead and start making the decision now.

Photos via D-Listed

No, obviously I’m just joshin’ y’all.  The mustache is courtesy of a marker and inherent douchebaggery, and that defiant stance definitely reads like an eight-year-old to me.  Don’t worry, guys, we’ve got a long way to go before this boy wonder turns into a man … or do we?

According to the National Examiner, Justin’s voice is just now starting to break (Christmas miracle?) and he’s been working with a vocal teacher to make the transition into his big boy voice as easy as possible.  The article also mentions that Justin is a slight 5’4″ and 108 pounds, and that the Biebz is concerned that his busy schedule that leaves him little sleep in these formative years might permanently stunt his growth. Bless his heart.