Um, I don’t even know what to do with this information.

Amber Portwood, who I didn’t even know was a citizen of Earth until earlier this week, was forced to report her earnings to the judge handling her case and the number is shocking. HollywoodLife.com is reporting that the Teen Mom star said she has pulled in $280,000 this year for being a television personality.

$280,000! That’s a shitload of money for an MTV star that’s not even old enough to make club appearances.

Hopefully this girl has someone in her life who will help her manage whatever dough that’s not eaten up by her legal fees. I mean, she only traded her privacy to get it.

“I remember them being like, ‘How do you get guys to a ballet movie? How do you get girls to a thriller?’ And the answer is a lesbian scene. Everyone wants to see that.”

Apparently being pregnant makes you a genius, because Natalie Portman has come out with one of the most ingenious statements I’ve probably ever heard. I mean, I know when I was pregnant, I was like fucking Nostradamus. I’d sit on my cushy ass pillow (didn’t want to get those awful hemorrhoid things that I’d heard so much about) all zen-like and I’d channel all sorts of shit – who’d win the pennant, the next celebrity couple to split, even what sexual position my across-the-street neighbors were messing with that night (OK, that was totally the telescope I had hidden under the bed, but what do you expect? It’s not like I was having sex of my own in those days). Pregnancy?  Equates innate brilliance.

But honestly. That’s some wicked smart marketing there. How to get guys to attend a chick flick? Throw some girl-on-girl muff diving and feisty tit grabbing into the mix and it’s sure to be a hit – just ask the nominating committee over at the Golden Globe foundation.

Duly noted, Nat, and thanks for the insight.

I’ll give you a hint – it’s a couple. Who were married within the last two years. Many of you think that their marriage is totally not going to make it, and I’m actually with you on that big old boat. Their friends and family are definitely no strangers to publicity or, ahem, fame-whoring, and for this newish couple to have a reality show, it isn’t really all that surprising. Gag-inducing, yes, because shit reality shows are just taking fucking television over, but it was kind of inevitable. The show, which is currently untitled, will begin filming in the new year and will follow the couple in their day-to-day BS, documenting each and every four-day couch pigout involved.

Take your guess and jump in to find out who it is*!

*Hint: It’s not Michael Jackson.

(more…)

And pardon me if it’s insensitive, but it’s almost kind of like a ‘no duh’ moment, am I right?  Anyone growing up in the eighties and nineties watching the myriad of corny shows like Full House, Charles in Charge, or Growing Pains knew that there was something off with Candace’s weight, much like there was with Tracey Gold on Growing Pains. She fluctuated almost every episode from full-faced, chubby-armed child, to lean and tall middle schooler, to heavy high schooler and then back to skinny-bodied lollipop-headed college student. And this was just during the filming of the show. If that’s not a big, flashing indicator of an eating disorder, apparently nothing is.

Candace, in light of her previous struggles, has penned a memoir, Reshaping It All, which documents her battle against bulimia and chronicles her life through (and after) the Full House period.

I always thought Candace C was the height of cute in the eighties, even if she did dress like a phosphorescent Day-Glo factory on fire. At the very least, she was better than Jodie Sweetin, and we all know how that crazy bitch turned out. Cameron’s new book is due out on Friday and I’m actually interested in reading it. Once it hits the library, anyway. I’m a big library fan.

Nicole Richie, who’s been on probation after receiving a DUI back in 2006, is finally a free woman. This morning her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley (who I would guess is the hardest working woman in Hollywood), went to court for the reality star and author and was able to convince the judge that her client no longer needed to be supervised. Her evidence was the glowing reports from Nicole’s alcohol education classes and the fact that she’s been in total compliance this entire time. You see, Lindsay? That’s how it’s done.

It’s kind of ridiculous to think that Nicole’s been on probation this entire time. In the last four years, she’s made a total about face. She’s a mom, a wife and a homebody now. I’d be shocked if we ever saw a repeat of her old behavior at this point.

Do you, girl!

Woo! It’s Blind Item time!

This one is from Star Magazine:

Which twentysomething daughter of a divorced Hollywood Couple ( both are now remarried) is experimenting with drugs? At a recent House party, we hear she ate quite a few hallucinogenic mushrooms- something she has been doing a lot lately!

First of all, yuck. Frequent mushroom use? Ugh. I’d kill myself.

Secondly, who else could this be beside one of Bruce and Demi’s girls? My guess would be Scout based on the fact that we really don’t know a whole lot about her… but the capitalization in the word “house” makes me wonder if it could be Rumer, who was in The House Bunny. I would think after spending her teen years in Hollywood that Rumer would be past doing something as lame as shrooms (I see her being the type to do straight up rails or absolutely nothing, ya know?), but maybe they’re having a comeback.

Or perhaps it’s not one of the Willis girls at all.

Leave your guesses in the comments, my gumshoes.