Chelsea Handler posted this photo of her smooching her rumored man 50 Cent’s cheek in bed with the caption, “I don’t know why anyone thinks I would ever date a rapper.”

I think the two make a pretty good pair in that I can barely stand either of them for the exact same reasons.

Caption your brains out in the comments, kids…

Last week I told you guys that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber were seen in Philly holding hands and eating IHOP and that there’s probs a chance that the two of them are getting their teenage grind on. Well, Selena attended an event over the weekend and when MTV asked her about the pancake snuggles, she was all, “They were pancakes! Who doesn’t love pancakes! It was innocent!”

Yeah right, Sel! I’ve eaten pancakes at IHOP tons of times but I’ve only sat on the same side of the booth as my meal partner and held their hand if I was, you know, DATING THEM. Which is MORE THAN JUST PANCAKES.

You can play coy all you want, girl. We know the truth.

What a coincidence, because I have big dreams of Robert Pattinson expanding on his already incredible musical skills.

Yeah, it turns out that Rob was “obsessed with Eminem” and he has “hundreds and hundreds” of tapes of himself rapping up a storm at age 13.  His group was called The Big Tub and the Tappy Cats.  This is all real.  And I know you’re all curious about what little 13-year-old Robert rapped about:

“Most of my rhymes were stolen off other people anyway. They were all like, ‘I was raised on these streets’, which was a complete farce because I was actually raised in quite a nice area of London called Barnes.”

And there you have it – the touching story of a little boy with a dream.  It is my strong belief that when a person has such a dream, no matter how long ago or how forgotten, that the dream should always come to fruition.  So what’s up, Robert? I’m not asking for an album, just maybe an Easter egg on the Breaking Dawn DVD, or maybe a little taste in an interview.  I want to love The Big Tub and the Tappy Cats.  Please give me that chance.

“… My feeling about John has always been that we know [about his homosexuality] and we don’t care. Look, I’m sorry that he’s uncomfortable with it, and that’s all I can say. It only draws more attention to it when you make that kind of legal fuss. Just leave it be.”

Remember all those stories about John Travolta giving and receiving big old toothy beej to various men in health clubs and spas ’round the world? Apparently Carrie Fisher, a friend of Travolta’s, has come to his defense, and by ‘defense,’ I mean ‘inadvertent but definitive confirmation through assumption. ’

So, OK.  I’m sure Travolta’s camp is super-pleased by this, but hey – maybe it’s not too late to retract that Christmas card to Carrie. I heard through the grapevine that Xenu himself has a master plan to orchestrate the general collapse of infrastructure including, but not limited to, the US Postal Service, so hey. They could make it happen.  I guess.

After four years and two children together, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden (not, ha, John Madden, like my early-morning pre-coffee brain told me, though it probably would be a hell of a lot more interesting) have made it official.  The wedding and reception both were said to be a Hollywood affair for the books. Reverend Run DMC officiated the wedding, the legendary (ahem) Lionel Richie walked his daughter down the aisle, and guests arrived in droves – Samantha Ronson, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, just to name a few. Oh, I forgot the elephant. There was an elephant there, too.  And no, I’m not repeating myself – I know, I already said Khloe Kardashian, but you misunderstand me – I’m talking about a real elephant this time, not the proverbial one sitting in the corner.  Or even the real one that talks about smearing mayonnaise all over its vagina.

As heavily speculated upon over the past few days, Paris Hilton was not in attendance, but not for the reason that you might think, like Nicole just not wanting her ex-BFF there – the elephant hadn’t gotten its skank shots this year, and Nicole, Joel, and the elephant’s handlers didn’t want an outbreak of Dengue fever or radioactive anal herpes something during their nuptials.  Shit like that can really be a downer.

As for wedding pics, don’t expect to see the photos for at least another few days, though … Sources claim that Nicole is being super picky about price negotiation and is looking to milk the event for all it was worth – in order to, you know, repay her dad for the wedding, ’cause I’m sure her Harlow clothing line isn’t exactly going to foot whatever this huge bill is going to be.  Gotta do something with all that Say You, Say Me and All Night Long money, don’t you?

Check out photos of Nicole through the years in the gallery below!

Know what I noticed?  People often become more attractive when they get engaged or married (at least at first with that whole marrying thing; things often go downhill shortly after that if you know what I mean), and that’s definitely the case here. Kate Middleton, who I forever thought was cute and pretty and perky-looking, always struck me as kind of ‘average’ in comparison to some of the women Prince William could probably get just because he’s a prince, is positively glowing with happiness and sophistication and womanliness. She, as far as I’m concerned, could give any one of the Victoria’s Secret models – AKA ‘The Most Beautiful Women in the World’ – a run for their money these days.

Prince William? Still pretty much looks like a bird with a hair-lip. So yeah. I guess some things just don’t change with relationship status.  I know he’s the offspring of the lovely Princess Diana, but unfortunately, he just doesn’t look enough like her to be passable.  Regardless, they look happy together, so I’ll leave them alone.  For now.