“Glasgow, you are looking good tonight. We are The Pretty Reckless and we have heard Glasgow is the craziest crowd in all of England.”

- Taylor Momsen, taking some time out of her concert to give a shout-out to the little English village of Glasgow.

Oh, Taylor, no.  Not so much.  I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and propose that maybe she just got confused and said the wrong country’s name, but just because I don’t want to think that a 17-year-old doesn’t know where Glasgow is.  That’s too sad, even for her.

You know, like I asked you to?

If you didn’t, you missed some magic.  In a totally unexpected move, The Last Unicorn was not mentioned, but The Lonely Island premiered a new video, which I think is better.  ”I Just Had Sex” is totally the new “I’m On a Boat.”  Switch out T-Pain for Akon, throw in Blake Lively and Jessica Alba as pure bonuses, and we have some magic here.

Oh, Megan.  You crafty, crafty lady.  I see your game.  We haven’t had any news about you since September and then this weekend, a weekend so slow on the celebrity gossip that I resorted to covering Clay Aiken’s new boyfriend’s man Spanx, you decided to frolic along the beaches of Hawaii while wearing your giant engagement ring and a bikini, and you’ve left me no choice.

Why don’t you get some integrity and say something really dumb to a magazine or get knocked up or something so we can talk about you again? Because this, Megan?  This “look at my wacky boobs and my distressed face and my gigantic ring posing at the beach” tactic?  You can do better than that.

I know, I was just as shocked as you are.  Who knew that Clay Aiken could get an underwear model?  To be fair, this particular underwear model, Jeff Walters, is kind of Clark Kent-ish – check out the transition from nerdy ass glasses guy at the Peanuts booth to suave, muscular, ridiculous underwear guy in the gallery.  But still, good for you, Clay.

The couple has been hitting Dallas hard this week – Clay went to see Jeff play Rocky in The Rocky Horror Show, and the next night they went to see a production of The Drowsy Chaperon, and the next night they went to the Gaylord Texan Ice Show (which is where the photo above was taken).

Now please check out the gallery.  It’s good if you want to look at like, muscles or whatever, but what I’m really interested in is the comedic value.  Is this guy wearing Spanx for built dudes or something?

Photos via D-Listed

It’s a spin class!  The matching grey sweatsuits are symbols of love!

No, but really, that’s what happened.  Katie Holmes’ birthday was yesterday, so Tom Cruise flew to New York and in a true display of thoughtfulness and romance, he took her to a spin class.  Granted, he did take her to “an intimate dinner” afterwards, but come on now.  Is that how you say “happy birthday” to the mother of your child, Tom Cruise?

And I know that for some couples, this is great.  This would be an awesome birthday activity to share together.  But somehow, I’m not sure Katie is feeling it so much.  Maybe it’s the paparazzi – you can’t look happy all the time.  Or maybe it’s her dead-inside eyes that are cast down to the ground, as if the last rays of hope for rescue are just draining out of her.

Yeah, I think it’s that last one.

That nondescript little “Merry Christmas” is just not going to cut it, so let’s get this done.  I need you on this one.  Paris needs you. We can pull from her cocaine possession shenanigans or all those times she got photographed this summer, boozing it up or that time she adopted 20 rabbits. She’s had such a full year, she and all her Christmas card recipients deserve more than a simple “Merry Christmas” without so much as an exclamation point.

Just power through this one, guys, then you can spend the rest of your Saturday however you want.  However, Jeff Bridges is hosting Saturday Night Live tonight, and I would really appreciate it if we all kept our eyes out for the almost definite The Last Unicorn parody.  Thanks a mil!