I don’t know about you guys, but I know that when I celebrate Christmas exiled to my grandmother’s front porch with the drug addict cousins and their obnoxious husbands with poor boundaries because I asked to sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus and I “wasn’t being serious,” one of my first thoughts is always “I wonder what John Waters’ Christmas would be like?” Good news: the Chicago Tribune did a Christmas story with John Waters, so I don’t have to wonder anymore. Bad news: I’m not totally sure my family would appreciate me taking John Waters’ advice on anything.
On meat thieves, the driving force behind the plot of his (hopefully) upcoming Christmas movie, Fruitcake: “We have them in Baltimore,” Waters explained. “They come knock on your door and say, ‘Meat man!’ and you say, ‘I’ll take three porterhouse steaks and a ham.’ They shoplift it and bring it back, and you pay half the price that’s on the label.”
On who should play Santa: “Is it fatist to ask fat people to play Santa Claus at your office party? Yes! Don’t do it.”
On how to deal with crazed Christmas shoppers: “If you want to get through a crowd, wear a T-shirt that has something obscene about Christmas on it. People move right out of your way, and you can get right up to anything you want because they’re busy shielding their children’s eyes away from you. You get right to the front of the line, I’m telling you.”
And for those lucky enough to be on his Christmas card list: “This year I’m sending 1,900 hand-signed Christmas cards.” Each year he designs a new card. “It is a great holiday burden, and I firmly believe that every person should design and mail their own personally signed Christmas cards. And if you ever sell mine on eBay, not only will you never get one again, my friends will burn down your house on Christmas Eve.
Sounds good, John! And hey, if all else fails, I’ll just watch A Dirty Shame and cry like I did last Christmas.