“I was very disappointed, shocked and hurt to hear that Bristol told a magazine that I don’t like her. It’s a complete and absolute lie what she said. I have no idea where she got that from. I never ever said I don’t like her — nevermind the fact that it’s not true that I don’t like her. The only thing I’ve said about her is that I think she should embrace the show more when she got homesick — which is something I would say to every celebrity who comes on the show and has a low point midseason. I have nothing against Bristol, the Palins, politics, the tea party and whatnot. I respect what she’s done on the show and her place in the final.”

Maksim Chmerkovskiy, dancing partner of Brandy on this season’s Dancing With the Stars, calling Bristol Palin out for making ridiculous crap up simply in order to have something to say.

I’m not gonna say, ‘Like mother, like daughter,’ but …

And I suppose this is one of the main reasons that we love celebrities so much – they’re eternally better looking than we could probably ever hope to be. It’s not that they’re really any structurally different than any of us; they all have the same features, cheekbones, feet, whatever else have you, but they’ve got professional stylists who choose their makeup, attire, and hair, and know all of the ins and outs of faking people out into thinking that you’re ephemeral and transcending in your good-looking-ness. It’s a fraud and a farce. Chances are, if we all had our own wardrobe specialists and makeup artists and hairstylists, we’d all look pretty damned great. Most of us, anyway. But that’s the whole point of celebrity – they are the haves; we are the have-nots.

If you didn’t watch the show last night, I’ll bring you up to speed: Justin Bieber won a lot of stuff, and for that, I am much chagrined. Nicki Minaj showed up looking like a box of discount shrimp sushi that’s about to turn over, Miley Cyrus celebrated her eighteenth birthday with a big bow on her ass – poetic justice if I’ve ever heard it, Kelly Osbourne showed up looking surprisingly trashy (and definitely not as thin as her recent Shape magazine cover – apparently Photoshop was at it hardcore again), Avril Lavigne was there with her pink streaks and ‘Rawk On’ gang signs as if it were 2002 again, and Ke$ha showed up looking like her fourteen-year-old cousin did her hair with Aqua Net. A whole effing can of it.

So anyway, enjoy the haves, don’t lament the have-nots, and be thankful that really – it’s practically all smoke and mirrors on that side of the red carpet. They’re actually no better than you — no better than most of you, anyway.

“I think the girls like my hair, so I’m going to let it stick around for a while. I really don’t think anyone’s ever done this kind of thing with their hair: I just wake up, blow-dry it, and just shake it. And continue to shake it throughout the day.”

- Justin Bieber on his genius.  Forward this to every 16-year-old male you know, because all douchebaggery aside, you know the teenage ladies love Justin’s luscious locks.  Good deeds, y’all, that’s what our time on this world is all about.

How many more gifts like this does the Biebz have to bestow on the world before you all just accept the fact that he is a gift himself?  I swear, if on Christmas Day we hear that Justin flew up to heaven and fronted a choir of angels for an audience of Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and Jesus, I’d be like “yeah, well, pass me the custard, because this is how the world was meant to be.”

You probably did, or at least your Facebook is blowing up with things like “omg hp wuz sooooo good,” because worldwide, Harry Potter and the Death Hallows raked in about $330 million, and that’s a pretty big deal.  I mean, it’s not Twilight big deal, at least in the U.S. box office, but it’s still pretty all right.

I went to the midnight premiere, natch, because it’s not in my nature to miss out on surrounding myself with hundreds of like-minded nerds, especially for such an important occasion.  When the teenagers began running around the lobby in a wizarding duel, I knew I’d made the right choice.  Disregarding the audience, the movie was AMAZING, and you can tell by my use of caps lock just how amazing it was.  For instance, the Three Brothers sequence?  Beautiful.  The Seven Potters scene?  Hilarious. To sum up the intensity of the emotions I and everyone around me felt, you know that one character death that happened at the very end of the movie?  That particularly painful one that, when you read it in the book, you had to stop reading because you were crying too hard to see the words (that wasn’t just me, right?)?  Some guy in the theatre, a grown ass man with a husky, sorrowful voice, let out this broken sob during the scene.  He actually cried out “noooo!”  And it broke the tension, but we were all there together.

The second part comes out next July, and I think we’re all going to have to prepare ourselves for that.  What part of the next movie are you most excited/nervous about?  And if your answer is “the whole thing,” I’ll accept that.

Just last month, Courtney Love posted a series of pictures on her Twitter that had a whole lot of people sadly shaking their heads, tsk tsking, mumbling “oh, Courtney,” or a combination of those things.  Well, she’s back, you guys.  This time with fashion*!

But really, Courtney Love fascinates and concerns me, and that started way back when the video for “Doll Parts” was making its rounds and my sister blared it whenever it came on, and I was like “excuse me, I’m trying to learn subtraction here,” and she’d be like “shut up and watch this.”  So I did, and this sordid love/hate affair began.

On a more visceral level, what the fuck is she doing with her life?  Who is taking this pictures for her?  Is she using a timer on her camera, or is it that girl who posed with her for the kissy nipple picture (NSFW on account of the nipples)?  Either way, if she “doesn’t want to be perceived as a trainwreck,” she should reconsider posting pictures like this for the world to see.

Heads up, in a couple of these pictures, Courtney’s pressing a shiny ball against her ass for some reason, so keep an eye out for that if you’re at the office or if you scar easily or whatever.

*I’m only including the pictures of the shoes because they’re pretty fantastic shoes.

Ok, I’m sure there’s some improv somewhere on TV right now, but nothing that matters.  Remember “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”  That mattered.

If you do remember “Whose Line” and you enjoyed it, then you’re probably going to be super glad to hear that the show Drew Carey is producing and starring in also features Ryan Stiles, Chip Esten, and Kathy Kinney.  It’s set to come on the Game Show Network next spring, and they’re going ahead and filming 40 episodes in Las Vegas.  Drew describes the show as “a lot more free-form” than “Whose Line,” saying that they’re going to rely on the audience much more.  Yes, yes and yes.

I can’t even describe the love I have for “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” because there’s far too much of it.  This new show is about seven steps beyond exciting.  The only thing that saddens me is that Colin Mochrie’s name hasn’t been mentioned yet.  He was amazing, right?

If you’re not picking up my hints, I’m trying to encourage “Whose Line” love in the comments.  It’s time for that.