Jessica Alba is the cover girl for the December issue of Elle, and I have some feelings about it.  Her pictures are really pretty, as pictures of pretty people tend to be, but the handful of quotes they released with the pictures are just not good.  It’s like that one time last month when she did an interview with GQ and talked about how ugly she was, except a little more demeaning to other people.

On her shallow roles: “I know I haven’t been swimming in the deep end with some of the movies I’ve done. I wasn’t trying to. I knew what they were.”

On comedy: “I’m shy. I don’t like being the center of attention. But when I do comedy, I lose all inhibition and introspection. I no longer care.”

On what good actors do:  “Good actors, never use the script unless it’s amazing writing. All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.”

So yeah, boring, boring, whatever, then “nobody cares about screenwriters.”  And let’s just hold up for a minute there.  For one, I’m not sure anyone should be taking advice on the behavior of good actors from Jessica Alba, and for two, seriously?  I don’t think this is true at all, or at least I hope not.  I know that if there’s a stand-up in a movie or a classic comedic actor around then improv can happen, but I doubt that Hollywood actors receive a script, read it to get the gist, and then just wing it.

When it comes down to it, Jessica Alba, I’m pretty sure you’re just a glorified meat puppet.  You’re still pretty though, so there’s that.

“I feel like when Taylor was getting all those magazine covers, she was all good then. I feel completely empathetic and sympathize with that moment of her feeling bad, that spawned her to have one million magazine covers and be the most popular artist in the world, but in that moment of her feeling bad, I do feel bad about being the cause of that.”

- Kanye on that one time that he ruined Taylor Swift’s big moment at the 2009 VMAs.

Get it, guys?  It’s ok that he made that one dick move, because that’s why she’s so famous.  So it’s really not even a dick move.  See, Kanye is incapable of doing anything wrong, because even when he does something that’s initially perceived as wrong, it ends up being a huge gift.  Like, on one hand, Kanye’s sorry and all?  But on the other, much bigger hand, he’s like “you’re welcome.”

What’s that, celebrity gossip world?  Nothing much is going on so you’re going to force me to write a Ke$ha story two days in a row? Well, that’s quite the burden, but I suppose I can manage.

As if Ke$ha’s first album wasn’t enough of an eternal gift to the world of music, she’s all set to release a follow-up, Cannibal, in a couple weeks.  I’m expecting another album full of anthems for liquor and clubbing, but it looks like things have gone a little darker this time around, and some people are not into it.  Not even a little bit.

Here are some of the lyrics to the title track:

“Whenever you tell me I’m pretty/That’s when the hunger really hits me/Your little heart goes pitter patter/I want your liver on a platter/Use your finger to stir my tea/And for dessert I’ll suck your teeth/Be too sweet and you’ll be a goner/Yeah, I’ll pull a Jeffrey Dahmer.”

You can listen to the song here (sidenote:  listen for Ke$ha to use the word “anus,” it’s classy stuff) and let me know what you guys think.   Personally, I can see why people are upset – Dahmer’s not really a guy you want to bring up in your popular music – but I’m not so up in arms myself.  I mean, it’s not like she’s treading in GG Allin waters or anything.

Photo via Jezebel

For my own personal caption, I chose to write a letter, as any pithy little statement I could make could not express the full nature of my feelings.  The letter got a little personal and quite lengthy, so I’m not going to share it with you guys, but suffice it to say that it takes up about five pages in my unicorn journal and that the ink was smudged by my tears.  It’s filled with allusions to Bon Jovi songs (“Taylor, in this world, we gotta hold on to what we got, and what I got is a powerful Bon Jovi love and a bad case of envy”) and statements of incredulity (“You’re standing next to Jon Bon Jovi and you can’t even muster up a smile?  Really?”).  In short, this blatant lack of appreciation for the majesty that is Bon Jovi is appalling to me.

Your turn!

The New York Times just did a story on Courtney, and while I do find her considerably more endearing afterwards, she does kind of come off as a trainwreck.  Tough break, I guess.

On her public image: “I’d like to be trusted again, like I was at one point,” she said. “I’m not trusted right now. People don’t want to get in trouble. They think that I am probably going to talk about things I shouldn’t talk about, which I do a little bit, but I am really trying to be trusted again.”

Her bedroom: At one point, she took me upstairs to her room to show me some clothes. The bed was unmade, and there was an overflowing ashtray on the night stand next to five prescription bottles and some junk food. “These are my wakeup cupcakes, some anti-depressants and a cellphone book,” she said without embarrassment.

On the aftermath of the interview: On Thursday night, Courtney Love sent me a series of lengthy text messages, as she often does to anyone she meets, but these were unusually coherent. She apologized for what happened the night before and said she felt embarrassed for “living right up to my worst reputation.” She blamed a combination of Zoloft and a cocktail. And she blamed herself.

“I’m so humiliated,” she wrote. “That simply isn’t me. It has been, but I haven’t been such a mess for quite some time.”

Just before 2 a.m., she ended with this:

“I trust you understand that our hearts can take us all to dark and ill timed places. Warmly, Courtney. xx.”

The whole interview is about Courtney’s work in the fashion world, but these were my favorite parts.  I like how she’s owning up to how crazy she comes off sometimes, and that last sentence, the one about how our hearts take us to dark places?  That’s sort of touching.  I’m starting to like Courtney a bit now.  She even has “wakeup cupcakes,” and it’s hard for me to believe that a bad person can have such a thing.

Lily Allen has been having an incredibly horrible few days.  Earlier this week, the news broke that Lily had suffered a miscarriage, and now she’s in the hospital with septicaemia, a bacterial infection of the blood.  The infection, which was probably brought on by the miscarriage, can be fatal, but Lily’s doing well.  Her rep said that she’s “responding well to treatment and her condition continues to improve,” and that “Lily thanks everyone for their messages of support and again asks that she and partner Sam Cooper be left alone whilst she recovers.”

This just sounds like such an awful situation.  If you like to pray or chant or send positive energy or anything like that, I think it’d be nice to do some of that for Lily and women like her.