And I suppose this is one of the main reasons that we love celebrities so much – they’re eternally better looking than we could probably ever hope to be. It’s not that they’re really any structurally different than any of us; they all have the same features, cheekbones, feet, whatever else have you, but they’ve got professional stylists who choose their makeup, attire, and hair, and know all of the ins and outs of faking people out into thinking that you’re ephemeral and transcending in your good-looking-ness. It’s a fraud and a farce. Chances are, if we all had our own wardrobe specialists and makeup artists and hairstylists, we’d all look pretty damned great. Most of us, anyway. But that’s the whole point of celebrity – they are the haves; we are the have-nots.
If you didn’t watch the show last night, I’ll bring you up to speed: Justin Bieber won a lot of stuff, and for that, I am much chagrined. Nicki Minaj showed up looking like a box of discount shrimp sushi that’s about to turn over, Miley Cyrus celebrated her eighteenth birthday with a big bow on her ass – poetic justice if I’ve ever heard it, Kelly Osbourne showed up looking surprisingly trashy (and definitely not as thin as her recent Shape magazine cover – apparently Photoshop was at it hardcore again), Avril Lavigne was there with her pink streaks and ‘Rawk On’ gang signs as if it were 2002 again, and Ke$ha showed up looking like her fourteen-year-old cousin did her hair with Aqua Net. A whole effing can of it.
So anyway, enjoy the haves, don’t lament the have-nots, and be thankful that really – it’s practically all smoke and mirrors on that side of the red carpet. They’re actually no better than you — no better than most of you, anyway.
I watched the whole thing, and I don’t even know why. This sort of thing makes me stupid with misery. Almost nobody lip-syncs, so all the girls — Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Pink — sound awful. Except that harlot Christina Aguilera, god damn her, who is consistently amazing live. Ke$ha performed like she had something to prove (and she does, right? She’s kind of a joke?), making her the least boring by a stretch. (When Train went on, my friend, who is deaf, shouted, “What the fuck is this?”)
And, finally, The New Kids on the Block always take my breath away. Cancel the awards completely, and just let those overgrown boys do their Hangin’ Tough jig all night long.