Taylor Swift is famous for writing some seriously literal song lyrics, so now of course we’re all obsessed with who and what she could be writing about now that most of the people she interacts with are famous. We know she wrote that one song for Kanye (my eyes are still rolling, bitch), it’s rumored that “Dear John” is about her fling with John Mayer (although I’d be surprised if she didn’t have the decency to at least give him a fake name), and now I’m hearing about this other song, “Better Than Revenge”, in which Taylor sings, “She’s an actress/But she’s better known for the things that she does on the mattress.”

Damn. Harsh words, Miss Swift. Not very X-tian of you to go calling people slutty, justsayin’, justsayin’.

So who do we think she’s talking about? I mean, yo, she could be talking about Demi Lovato or Jennifer Aniston. There’s a lot of room to speculate here.

Who do you think Taylor be singing about?

Ugh. I hate destination weddings. They are so selfish. Like, if you want me to see you get married, get married an hour or less away from home. Otherwise, go out into the wild and do it yourselves and then come home and don’t bore me with any of your photos. It just feels so dramatic and unnecessary to drag your family and your friends halfway across the world to watch you do something that’s really just about you and one other person, right?

Anyway, Katy Perry and Russell Brand don’t share my opinion and are so in lurve with India and each other that they decided to get hitched there. Hundreds of people flew out for the ceremony, and this is what they got. A garden. One that looks like it’s been recreated in Los Angeles and New York and all over the world a million times.

Snore.

And if I were one of the audience members in attendance this past weekend over the legal age of eighteen, dude?  I’d be kinda pissed.

According to The Hollywood Life, Taylor played a show this past weekend with her band, The Pretty Reckless, and decided to amp up her bad-girl sex-kitten pistol-whuppin’ reputation a notch by flashing the crowd her underage tits.  Said nipples of said tits were, um, ‘tastefully covered by pasties,’ according to those in attendance, but it’s the idea that counts in this case, right?

I dunno, but if I were her parents (does she have parents? Was she really raised by the Whos? Because no child of mine would ever, ever display this sort of behavior – or this sort – any time in my life, so maybe, yeah, she was raised by mythical creatures from a Dr. Seuss book), I’d be laying the smack down on this bitch. She’s in wayyy over her heads, guys, and I think she’ll outskank both Lindsay and Paris by age nineteen, though those are some pretty augmented big boots to fill.

If you believe these pictures, and try to imagine any other possible reason why Mr. Schuester would be carting Diaz’s funk-ass around (and can’t), you probably came to the same adolescent-themed faux conclusion that I did: they’re boning, heh-heh.

I guess this solidifies the rumors that A-Rod and Cameron did recently break up, but I knew that wouldn’t last anyway. Regardless, the two stars Morrison and Diaz were photographed occupying the same car — Morrison was the driver — and further spent time in one another’s company at LA club, where they reportedly jammed to 30 Seconds to Mars (didn’t Cammy hit that at one point, too?).  Onlookers said — of course — that the two looked ‘cozy,’ though I’m sure the same onlookers would have said they looked ‘cozy’ even if they were just sharing airspace on a chaste priest- and nun-filled 747 ultimately bound for the Vatican.

The friends were out celebrating the one-year anniversary of Jason Scoppa’s Bardot Sessions, and other celebrities in attendance included Macy Gray, Gene Simmons, Iggy Pop, Jeremy Piven, Deryck Whibley, Todd Morse, and Miley Cyrus, drugged out and grinding on the reanimated corpse of Michael Jackson.

OK, that last part isn’t exactly true, but it’s more believable than Matthew Morrison and Cameron Diaz as Hollywood’s newest couple, you feel me?

“Ever notice how similar my hair is to Mr. T’s?  The only difference is mine is a little more ‘mo,’ a little less ‘hawk.’”

-Bert commenting on his hairstyle via Sesame Street‘s Twitter.

I love this so very much.  Partly because I’ve thought that Bert and Ernie were in love ever since I was a small child – theirs was a precious love, reenacted with my Bert and Ernie dolls to the soundtrack of their Greatest Hits album – and partly because I’ve heard a friend make the exact same joke while he was doing his hair for an evening at the gay bar.

The L.A. Times compiled a list of recent guest appearances on Sesame Street that hinted at a more gay-friendly attitude, including Neil Patrick Harris’ number as the Shoe Fairy and Will.I.Am’s song about being true to yourself, no matter what.  With all of this, plus Bert’s comment about his hair (and really, is there any other way to take that?), I’m choosing to believe that within the next few years, Bert and Ernie are finally going to come out as the most precious couple on the Street.

Because, man if you do, you’re in luck. West’s video for his new single ‘Runaway’ has hit the ‘net and the sucker’s thirty-four minutes long. That’s like a fucking sitcom! Only it stars Kanye West, and it’s got quite a lot of singing on it, so it’s also kind of like Glee maybe. But I don’t think even Glee would stoop to doing a Kanye episode, so maybe it’s actually nothing like Glee. But regardless, the video is as long as it takes me to do a load of laundry in my fancy-schmaltzy high-efficiency washer and have a cup of coffee — or two.

Seriously though, guys, there’s a few things that I’m in dire need of for this lifetime to be considered ‘successful,’ but that many minutes — in one sitting — of Kanye West? So not on the order, and I feel kind of violated that some pimply-faced cashier would even try to slip that into my grocery bag when I wasn’t looking. See what happens when you begin to get complacent? Constant vigilance!