It seems like just a moment ago that Nick Cannon was buying tacky, candy-themed jewelry for his lady Mariah Carey, and now the two are having a baby. Gosh, things move so quickly. Nick probably feels the same way. The dude’s like, my age. Not even really that close to 30, and he’s having a baby with someone I watched sing at the Grammy’s when I was in 4th grade. That’s a real trip.

These pictures of Nick arriving home to their NYC apartment are kind of killin’ me, though. The dude gets out of the car looking like a high school student, is followed into the house by a man carrying a bag of balloons that look like they were designed specifically for Mariah on the off chance that she did turn up pregnant and then later he comes back outside in a suit and what looks like the makings of some Andre 3000 facial hair.

Damn, Nick! Why you have to be so mature!?!?

Mel Gibson won’t be allowed to spend his daughter’s first birthday with her as ordered by the judge. Tomorrow’s is Lucia’s big day, and since Mel has her today and the nanny responsible for transporting her to and from her mother’s house is sick. Mel saw that as the perfect opportunity to spend more time with his little girl, but when he asked the judge, he was shut down. Apparently there’s more nanny where that sick one came from and Mel really has no reason to keep his daughter away from Oksana on her birthday.

Pssh. Good. The dude doesn’t deserve to see his daughter at all, let alone have extra (important) days tacked on to his visitation. Most couples out there have to do the awkward “picking up the kids” thing face-to-face, but he’s allowed to avoid that by using a nanny and then using that nanny’s illness as a way to swindle more QT with his baby out of the judge.

One year ago tomorrow, that baby came out of Oksana’s vagina. She deserves to be with her mother.

So, remember the recent Shape magazine cover where everyone was like, ‘Oh, damn, check out LeAnn’s revenge body,’ though she didn’t need to do the whole revenge thing, ’cause she was the one who cheated, so she kind of had it backwards?

Well, anyway, the dedicated readers of the magazine (I know, I couldn’t believe it either) wrote to the editor-in-chief, claiming how distasteful it was to find LeAnn plastered all over their blessed magazine and how offended they were that a homewrecker like Rimes would be featured in the magazine – not only as a cover girl, but as the main interview – flaunting both her ass and her excuses.

So because of this, it would appear that the editor-in-chief of Shape took its readers’ concerns seriously and decided to write an email apologizing to all of them, obviously under the assumption that the email would remain private, much like the messages sent through a fucking Little Orphan Annie special decoder (Fort Knox, bitches). The apology? Got it here:

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You get these hints:

1. Even her spawn doesn’t like her.
2. Most OK, all of her tattoos look like lesions.
3. A higher force occasionally slips a pod person into this woman’s shell of a body, merely for immortal entertainment.
4. And … No, it’s not Britney Spears, despite the funked-up hair and previous giveaway hints.

Got it? Think you’ve got what it takes to guess that actress ass?

Jump in to find out if y’all were right.

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Yeah, ‘Swyllengift.’  You heard it here first.  Totally made it up myself. Before coffee. So I haven’t even had a breath’s time to decide whether or not it sucks, or if I’m going to start referring to Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift as … Swyllengift. I mean, fuck. It’s better than Brangelina … Or worse, Bennifer. Do y’all remember the original Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez)? Those were some great days for gossip. The really seedy, voyeuristic part of me would like to see them both leave their spouses and hook back up, complete with pink and yellow diamonds and furs and the way that fake baking looks on Irish boys with large jaws who try too hard. I mean, marriage with Garner is pretty much almost out of the picture anyway, isn’t it?

Anyway, half of the couple I’m most fascinated with these days (Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal) appeared on today’s Ellen DeGeneres Show and of course, Ellen pushed Taylor for details on the relationship in that oh-so-coy way that she has. From People:

“Are you optimistic about love? How do you feel about love right now?” DeGeneres, addressing the topic at hand, asks Swift on The Ellen DeGeneres Show episode airing Monday.

“I’m always optimistic about love,” responds Swift 20.

Confirming Swift’s stance, DeGeneres repeats, “So you’re always optimistic about love?”

“Yes, always, sometimes,” says Swift, beginning to backtrack slightly.

“But right now you are?” asks DeGeneres.

“Well, why wouldn’t anyone be?” says Swift, before DeGeneres boldly states, “Especially if your boyfriend is Jake Gyllenhaal, because he is very handsome.”

But, DeGeneres concludes, “Y’all are just hanging out though, right?”

Swift acknowledges that she and Gyllenhaal were photographed together in New York last weekend. As the singer says to DeGeneres, “You have a picture of us on the [TV] screen, don’t you?”

“Right,” admits DeGeneres. “But it’s just y’all hanging out – this does not prove anything. I’m just saying he’s adorable and I like him very much, and so if that is the case that he’s your boyfriend, I think that’s fantastic.”

So, good. More of these non-details that continuously confirm that Swift and Gyllenhaal are dry humping, because I don’t see Taylor givin’ it up just yet. And by the way, Donnie Darko was on television last night. That a fucked up movie or what?

PETA is too adorable. They jump at every chance they get to involve themselves in a big news story and turn it into an issue of animal cruelty.

Just today they’ve offered to cover Lindsay Lohan’s $50,000 rehab bill if she promises to give up meat and become vegan.

Here’s the letter they wrote her:

Dear Lindsay,

We understand that you’ve fallen on tough economic times, so we’re writing to you with an offer that we sincerely hope you’ll consider.

PETA will help pay your $50,000 bill for substance addiction treatment if you’ll rid yourself of one more toxic substance: meat. As you know, a crucial part of any recovery is showing charity to others. One way to do this is to be kind to animals, the Earth, and your own body. You’ll never regret it.

When animals are crammed together on factory farms, disease spreads fast, so cows, chickens, and other animals are fed large amounts of antibiotics to make them grow more quickly and keep them alive in filthy conditions that would otherwise kill them. However, the health risks involved in using such methods are so great that many countries have banned the use of antibiotics and hormones in animals who are raised and killed for food. In addition to feeding antibiotics to animals who are raised for food, farmers in the U.S. give powerful growth-stimulating steroids to cattle, which means that you ingest drugs every time you take a bite of chicken, pork, fish, or beef. Many animals are also sprayed with pesticides. And consuming animal-derived products exposes you to pathogens such as E. coli, listeria, and campylobacter. Finally, much of the meat sold in the U.S. is contaminated with fecal bacteria.

The good news is that a clean, tasty vegan diet can provide all the nutrients that you need, minus the contaminants, saturated fat, and cholesterol that are found in animal flesh, eggs, and dairy foods. Vegans also have stronger immune systems than meat-eaters. It’s all good news.

Today, stores carry everything from soy “Buffalo wings” to fakin’ bacon and fib ribs—not to mention a wealth of fresh fruit, vegetables, nuts, grains, and more—so it has never been easier to go vegan. California rehabilitation centers have a great reputation for catering to vegan patients too. To help guide your decision, we’ll be sending you our new “Glass Walls” DVD, narrated by Sir Paul McCartney, and our vegetarian/vegan starter kit, which is full of useful information.

Please let us know if you’d like to take us up on our offer.

Best wishes,

Michelle Cho
PETA

They expect the girl to give up drinking, cocaine, prescription pills AND bacon and leather? All in one six month period? Ease up, PETA. The woman is in a weakened state and shouldn’t be hounded any more than she already has been.