Dear Aaron Carter,

What happened to you?  It seems like just yesterday you were an adorable prepubescent boy who threw obscenely large house parties and made absurd claims that you beat Shaq at a game of one-on-one in a hopeless attempt to steal some attention from your older brother, Nick (it never would have worked, Aaron.  Nick is a Backstreet Boy.  Do you even understand the importance of that?).  But that was actually several years ago, and now, Aaron, you’re back, but you’re not the Aaron I remember. You’re some weird, extremely muscled and veiny version of that boy I used to know.  I just don’t know what to say, except watch that vein in your forehead, I’m pretty sure that one’s about to pop.

Anyway, I’m glad to hear that you’re working on a new album.  I know you’ve probably already done a lot of work on it, but I would really appreciate a full album dedicated to that one time when you were dating Hilary Duff and then cheated on her with Lindsay Lohan.  I think there’s a lot of material in that.

Love,

Emily

P.S.  Tell Nick I said hey.  Don’t make me sound desperate though.

So I was hanging out with this dude one time, and he was like “Ok, if you could only have sex with five people for the rest of your life, but you could have sex with them whenever you wanted, who would you pick?”  And I am a very indecisive person, so I pussyfooted around the question, asking additional questions like “is magic involved, do fictional characters count?” and “are they willing or is this some shady hostage situation?”  But I finally managed to select my five people, and after I recovered from the stress of that selection, I was like “what about you?”  And he said “Rosario Dawson.”  There was no hesitation, and really no additional names for a while, there was just the total confidence of “if I could have sex with one person in the whole world, it would definitely be Rosario Dawson.”

Based on that experience, I feel like there must be several people out there in the world who would also like to have sexual relations with Rosario Dawson.  Lucky for you guys, because the lady did a pretty sexy photo shoot with German GQ to promote her new movie, Unstoppable, which is out in November.

Here you go, you guys!  Also, you’re welcome.

Every word that Kanye says is just as golden as those numerous necklaces around his neck. Seriously, have you seen his Twitter?  The man can’t stop – nay, he won’t stop.

Kanye recently revealed a little bit of his brilliance to The Daily Mirror, and I’m not about to deprive you guys of his wisdom.

On Michael Jackson: “With the passing of Michael Jackson, I feel a responsibility to bring things to our generation that can inspire and bring real culture to pop culture. I don’t sleep any more thinking how we are going to fill this gap, and create something to inspire on the level he did.”

On Taylor Swift: “She still hasn’t hit me up. I’m over that. I’m an artist and I’m all about my movie now and am leaving that behind. Most people will be like, ‘I guess it’s OK Beyonce’s video didn’t win.’ That’s not me. After the MTV thing I quit doing music. I had to get back into the world’s grace. I went to Japan, Hawaii, to get away. I thought I was going to give it all up. It’s only through divine intervention that I am here today.”

On Lindsay Lohan’s effects on the fashion world:  ”I promised I wouldn’t tear up… but have you heard of a little thing called Lindsay Lohan’s Ungaro collection? That was like the 9/11 of fashion. It was game over for me after that as no one would take a celebrity trying to do fashion seriously. Being discriminated because I’m a rapper at fashion week. I quit music for six months because fashion did not take me seriously.”

On Kanye West: “I’m like a tree, I feed the branches of the people.”

On the future: “Hopefully I’ll hook up with George Lucas and do a film about yellow people with beaks.”

I am so excited for Kanye’s life.  I think it’s only just begun.

Lindsay Lohan is currently being treated for drug and alcohol addiction at the Betty Ford Center, but she’s also being broken of another bad habit: Her constant cell phone use.

Apparently staffers at the rehab clinic noticed that Lindsay was spending far too much time on her Blackberry, so they’ve restricted her usage of it to only two hours a day. She’s also not allowed to Tweet or communicate with any non-family members or close friends.

Cutting off Lindsay from reaching out to her fans via Twitter and her friends via text whenever she wants is teaching her that she can’t habitually rely on anything to bring inner peace except herself. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

Did you guys see The Social Network yet? I told you I was planning on catching it over the weekend and I was generally unimpressed considering the commercials told me that this was the flick that was supposed to “define my generation.” Eh, Mark Zuckerberg is an autistic dude with a popular website and he doesn’t seem to value his friendships all that much. I could explain my thoughts on that over a bottle of wine, but they’re not particularly fun.

Here’s what I’d love to get into: How much longer are we going to be subjected to Justin Timberlake The Actor? I was talking about it with a girlfriend the other day and she was all, “Justin’s problem is that he thinks he’s still in the Mickey Mouse Club.”

Damn, right? Too true. While Justin’s had a ton of success with both *NSYNC and as a solo artist, he seems to prefer goofing around with the SNL cast and doing the J.Lo big budget movie acting thing. This leads me to believe it could be another four years before we get another album from Justin. The dude shows no signs of slowing down, and with unworthy Oscar buzz being tossed around for The Social Network cast, it seems even likely that his will than ever.

Check out these photos of Justin outside Radio 1 in London, where he and his co-stars were promoting their movie yesterday.

Photo via People

All right, see that picture?  That’s Jack Sparrow (I know that I should say that it’s Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, but no, I’m going to stick with character names, you’ll see why momentarily) and a couple of his pirate buddies, and that little girl is nine-year-old Beatrice Delap, pirate-in-training.  Beatrice, in need of some assistance, wrote a letter to Captain Jack Sparrow, one of the best pirates ever, and said that “”We are a bunch of budding young pirates. Normally we’re a right handful, but we’re having trouble mutinying against the teachers. We’d love it if you could come and help.”  And back on Wednesday, Beatrice became the most popular girl at her school:

To gasps and a “wow” from little Beatrice, he surprised the children by strolling into a hastily-convened assembly (the school was only given ten minute’s notice). Depp proffered the letter, which she’d written after visiting the film set.

“He asked where I was in the audience. I put my hand up and then I had to go up and he gave me a hug,” Beatrice told London Tonight TV news. “He said, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today because there are police outside monitoring me.’ ”

She concurred: “I said, ‘Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.’ “

I’m trying to think of something that would have been on this level when I was nine, but I’m having trouble with that.  I mean, I try not to throw this word around, but this sounds like a pretty epic event.  And seriously, as if Johnny Depp needed to give the world another reason to love him.