Well, look. One of the faux-punk princesses of the early 2000s has gone back to her roots, so to speak. Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, a born blonde and she who also achieved her weird sort of fame as a blonde, has gotten rid of the ‘edgy’ black that’s been her token ‘do since she decided that she wanted to be the darker half of the Simpson sisters and marry odd people like Pete Wentz.

Naturally, because Pete seems like such a front-putting, appearance-loving troll, there could be trouble brewing in paradise. Ashlee clearly looks so much less emo with her pretty blonde feathers, and that’s not what Petey’s all about.

What is he about, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Flat irons, black eyeliner, My Chemical Romance, and cigarettes. I think before long Susy Sunshine’s going to start to grate on his nerves, and then he’ll start grating on his nerves, too. With a teardrop-covered razorblade.

At any rate, Ashlee, I like it.  Just don’t expect a Pieces of Me revival anytime soon.  Those days are long gone.

J/K, mothafuckas! No one will ever love the Harajuku Barbie more than me, but do y’alls remember Danny Noriega? That really adorable and super duper gay boy that came in like, maybe fourth the year that the two David’s were finalists on American Idol?

Well, I may have possibly been doing a little bit of YouTube searching earlier today and come across the video above of Danny taking his best shot at Nicki Minaj’s verse on Kanye’s “Monster” track.

OK, that’s exactly what happened.

So then I started clicking around in the “related videos” section and I discovered that Lil DanDan has actually made like, MAD VIDEOS of him rapping along to Nicki Minaj. I support this so much that I’m not really going to critique the dude, but one thing that would really put these videos over the top is if he mastered the “eye-pop, overbite” look that Nicki does so well.

Also, check out him doing “Bottoms Up”:

Rest In Peace, Anna Nicole Smith is right.

Anyway, I find this to be just about one of the greatest things on the Internet right now.

I’m double dog daring you to top me with a better YouTube find in the comments.

I still haven’t gotten over the fact that the woman Matt Damon keeps impregnating is not me, but whatever. I have to deliver this news to you. It’s my job.

Matt Damon and his wife Luciana Barrosa are expecting their third daughter. The couple already has Isabella (age 4) and Gia (age 2), as well as Luciana’s 11-year old daughter from a previous relationship. The couple are supposedly “thrilled.”

The news that his wifey is preggo may be one of the reasons that Matt won’t be appearing in the next Bourne flick, or, you know, maybe there’s someone in this town who knows how to throw in the towel when it’s appropriate (I’M TALKING TO YOU, DEPP.)

Today’s a sad day. First we learned about the Cox-Arquette split and now we’re learning that Christina Aguilera and her Candyman have parted ways. Although the couple has not officially filed for divorce, they are taking some time apart to reevaluate their relationship.

Regardless of whether or not this separation becomes permanent, a source close to the couple says that they are committed to remaining friends and raising their son, Max together.

Blah. I don’t know why this news bums me out so much. Celebrity break-ups are a dime-a-dozen. We write about them every day here. But Jordan and Christina always seemed so happy and I credit him as one of the reasons Christina has turned out so normal compared to most of her peers.

I’m totally hoping they get back together.

“A lot of times my wife and I sit across from each other and tweet… it’s the same reason you send roses to a woman at work. Sometimes people like to be adored in public.”

- Ashton on his one true love, Twitter!  I mean, Demi!

Are you picking up on this hot tip, people?  This is the wave of the future.  You don’t have to rely on flowers or jewelry or some former agreement of monogamy, just hop on Twitter!  Try hashtagging your emotions, or if you have a tough time with finding the right words yourself, then retweet away!  Retweeting is totally the new boombox outside the window, trust me.  And if you tweet pictures of your significant other in his or her underwear?  I’m pretty sure that a grander gesture does not exist.

Kim Kardashian, a woman who I once thought could do no fashion or beauty wrong, has gone out and made the biggest faux pas there is: girl’s gone and turned herself the color of runny, reheated turnips.

KK was photographed leaving her hotel in NYC city this past week (where a new Kardashian reality spinoff is said to be taking place) and to combat the dank and dreary fall New York weather, Kim’s gone and turned into the Great Pumpkin a few weeks early.

Kim, girl, just cross your fingers that this horrid spray tan fades and doesn’t splotch off instead. Those sophisticated New Yorkers don’t look too kindly upon socialites doubling as cheap-looking Miami lepers even if it is Halloween.