Lindsay Lohan has been at Betty Ford for a couple of weeks now, and, as usual, she’s not taking visits from her father, Michael.  So Michael, crafty man that he is, has devised a foolproof plan to win back Lindsay’s love and attention.  And really, he can’t fail.

From TMZ:

Michael Lohan is telling people he’s going to intentionally fall off the wagon and check himself into the Betty Ford clinic to be near Lindsay Lohan — and stage his own arrest if necessary to get his daughter’s attention.

We’re told Michael is going to show up at Betty Ford and demand admission.  He will stage his own arrest — to show everyone how much he cares about his daughter.

Michael is saying he’ll make one more trip to Betty Ford to attempt to see Lindsay.  If she won’t let him in, he’s going to get all drunk and then go back and make a scene.

I can’t see this as anything other than brilliant.  ”Fall off the wagon,” “stage his own arrest,” and “get all drunk and then go back and make a scene” are all phrases that are clearly indicative of that healthy, nurturing, all-encompassing love that a parent has for a child. I would like to take this moment to officially announce my support for Michael’s plan.  I believe that if Michael succeeds in getting arrested, it can obviously do nothing but good for Lindsay.

Ahhhh! Today is such a big day! The cover of Nicki Minaj’s first LP has been released and I’M DYING.

You guys, I didn’t tell you this yet, but I was at the photo shoot for this album. The photographer she worked with, G.L. Wood, is a friend of a friend and I was able to get on set for the day, acting as G.L.’s life coach. I’ve been repping Nicki since 2008 and I completely idolize her, so it was obviously the best day of my life.

Nicki and G.L. make the perfect team. She wound up hiring him to shoot her album cover after they worked together on her Out Magazine profile.

The funny thing about the photo they wound up choosing is that everyone on set was sure that one of the other looks she wore would be the cover look. It was like a Gaga-meets-robot-meets-Statue of Liberty number. I’m thrilled they picked the photo they did because, yo:

I stole a piece of the dress off the floor when she went back into the dressing room to change.

I don’t think anyone would have minded. There was so much fabric everywhere that it’s not like I kept the part that’s meant to cover the person wearing it’s crotch or something.

But like, you guys… This is history right here.

Are you all equally blown away by the epicness of this cover?

But don’t take it from me — the geniuses over at Esquire have come up with this annual illustrious title that’s been bestowed upon women like Kate Beckinsale, Brooklyn Decker, and Halle Berry. Charlize Theron, and my personal favorite from this list, Scarlett Johansson, have also made the top slot in previous years.

Anyway, just watch the fucking video. I don’t care if you’re a straight woman, a gay man, or dead from the waist down. I dare you not to get just a little bit het up.

Jersey Shore stars Jenni “J Woww” Farley and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi were photographed in New York City yesterday, where they seem to be a pretty big presence as of late. Word has it that Snooki and J Woww are seeking a spinoff of their craptastic guido- and guidette-themed shitshow, and sources say that MTV networks is considering picking it up. While I think that these two are sort of trying to be the new Kardashians-without-bloodline, and I normally can’t stand either of them or their stupid show, I have to admit — Ms. Farley’s looking good.

The ladies were photographed after leaving a taping for “Live! With Regis and Kelly,” and while J Woww is up front and center shining her ass off, Snooki is pictured in the background, looking about one camera shutter click away from bursting into amber-colored tears.

The life of an overcooked potato-shaped garden gnome’s gotta take its toll even if it does pay well.

Amy Winehouse, no stranger to odd behavior or, um, drinking, was profiled earlier this month for the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar where she was photographed by musician-turned-photographer Bryan Adams and discussed bits and pieces of her personal life, all while under the influence of wine. How seemingly appropriate.

The interviewer’s eyewitness of Amy imbibing:
Just before Winehouse goes to change for the next shot, I see her gulping down a big glass of wine. “Not,” she says aloud, “that I’m a rock-star alkie.”

Almost an hour later:
She is physically unstable, wobbly in high block heels. Soon, she begins a chorus-girl routine for the camera—complete with cha-chas and pirouettes. “Hurry up, Bryan!” she shouts. “This is like a three-hour-long blood extraction!” She hikes her black-and-white-checked miniskirt up and shakes her hips.

The interview:
I find her sitting on the edge of a white-quilted bed in her dressing room, slurping noisily from a pot of soup. One of her representatives tells me that she will sit in on our interview.

How are you? I ask. She slurps more soup.

“I’m all right. How are you?” Her voice is breathier, girlier now; her syntax is childish. She either pronounces words with great care or slurs them into one barely intelligible syllable.

Someone hands her a crayfish salad and removes the empty soup pot from her hands. “Thank you, baby!” she says to the provider of the salad. She turns back to me.

And then: “I’m aware I’m being recorded,” Winehouse says. “Just so you know. I am aware of that.”

Okay. Do you consider yourself a style icon?

“A style, like, what?”

A style icon, I repeat.

“Style, like … ?”

Icon!

“No, of course not!”

But you are! People have altered the way they look as a consequence of your look. Tattoos have gained new currency; heavy eyeliner is widely imitated.

“Uh-huh. I don’t think that’s true. I just dress like … I’m an old black man. Sorry!” she says. “Like I’m an old Jewish black man. I just dress like it’s still the ’50s. What are my inspirations … ? Elizabeth Taylor.”

You want to look like Taylor?

“Not really. She had purple eyes. That’s weird. Um …”

She pauses, then warms to a line of thought: “Thelonious Monk. Charlie Mingus. Miles Davis … Thelonious Monk again, and then rappers that are around right now, like Nas, um, um, Busta Rhymes, and Mos Def.”

Any style inspirations?

“I don’t know.” She seems exasperated. “I like …” She reaches around for a fashion reference. She finds one. “Chanel.”

To sum up the entire interview and life in Amy-speak:

Amy, are you happy?

She squints suspiciously at me.

“About what?”

About life.

“I’m happy about this salad.”

Folks, there we have it.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen any stories about Ke$ha, and it’s been upsetting me.  I’m not talking about new songs or music videos, because fuck that, I’m talking about “Guess Which Pop Star Got Photographed After Being Doused With Semen” stories.  But then I saw this video, and I tell you, it just turned my day right around.

I love it because of how real it is.  From the poor designated driver who wears that familiar look of “guys, can you please stop talking to these dudes, I just want to get home” to the way Ke$ha gets too overwhelmed with talking and just hangs her head down every once in a while, this could very easily be a clip from one of my nights down at the gay bar (because don’t paparazzi dudes often sound like guys at the bar who are just coming on way too strong?).  There’s even the friend who insists on talking to the guys even though it’s painfully clear that she is not the one they’re interested in.

My favorite part, of course, is when Ke$ha realizes that they’re about to drive away, so she shouts out the most brilliant exit line I’ve ever heard:  ”this is like a fucking buffet table of dicks.”  I plan on incorporating that line into my life straightaway.