Dear Aaron Carter,
What happened to you? It seems like just yesterday you were an adorable prepubescent boy who threw obscenely large house parties and made absurd claims that you beat Shaq at a game of one-on-one in a hopeless attempt to steal some attention from your older brother, Nick (it never would have worked, Aaron. Nick is a Backstreet Boy. Do you even understand the importance of that?). But that was actually several years ago, and now, Aaron, you’re back, but you’re not the Aaron I remember. You’re some weird, extremely muscled and veiny version of that boy I used to know. I just don’t know what to say, except watch that vein in your forehead, I’m pretty sure that one’s about to pop.
Anyway, I’m glad to hear that you’re working on a new album. I know you’ve probably already done a lot of work on it, but I would really appreciate a full album dedicated to that one time when you were dating Hilary Duff and then cheated on her with Lindsay Lohan. I think there’s a lot of material in that.
P.S. Tell Nick I said hey. Don’t make me sound desperate though.