If you’re like me, you await the Oscars and the Emmys and the Tony Awards every year like a small child waits for Christmas morning. If you’re even more like me, you don’t get so excited about who won what award, or the funny things the host might say, or that reaction shot when that actor didn’t win that award.  Because we don’t care about that.  We just care about the dresses.  And it’s not even about “look at this tragic dress Olivia Wilde chose to wear, but isn’t it fascinating how she’s still insanely attractive?”, it’s just about the dresses.

That’s why I’m loving these pictures coming in from the Venice Film Festival.  The only people I recognize in the pictures are Natalie Portman (fabulous as always) and Jessica Alba (who, at this point, I think is incapable of wearing anything that’s pretty), but there are just so many pretty dresses, and far be it from me to deny you guys pictures of pretty dresses.

For those of you who are more cultured than me, the gallery includes Hiam Abbass wearing what has to be the most beautiful green dress, Ksenia Solo sporting one of my most hated fashion trends, the bubble hem, and Marina Lante della Rovere taking fashion tips from Lady Gaga.  For those of you as cultured as me, doesn’t Jessica Alba just need to get her shit together?

Even when she claimed she was “big and fat,” I was a huge fan of Kelly Oz, because she had one of those personalities that didn’t change no matter what size jeans she wore. She’s cool and genuine and fascinating, all rolled into one package — sometimes said package was an XL, and sometimes it was a S, like her most recent look.

Personally? I think Kelly is looking amazing. She’s lost the weight that she used to bitch about and is doing it in a healthy way — by exercising.

She looks strong and curvy, but toned and tight at the same time. And fuck, if she blows up and gains sixty pounds again, I’m going to love her anyway, because she’s just that cool.

Image courtesy of TMZ/PCN

Oh, to be gorgeous and impregnated by Orlando Bloom. Does it get much better than that? Yeah, actually, it does. Miranda Kerr looks amazing in the beginnings of her pregnancy in the above photo, not so unlike the other supermodels that have gone before her in maternity.

Orlando’s new wife was photographed for promotions for her organic skincare line, Kora, which showed the model in various Yoga-esque poses. Naturally, she looks great, and I’m sure she’ll only gain the recommended 15 to 20 pounds for her body frame and not sit on the sofa for the next five months eating Cheetos and sucking back sugary drinks. Pod people don’t do that sort of thing, you know.

And where else would they have a platform to discuss their views on various topics such as marital infidelity other than Twitter? These two can’t stay the fuck off of Twitter, so why would you expect their business to?

Addressing the nasty allegations that Ashton was ‘visibly aroused’ while dry-humping some leggy model type against a wall at a club (uh, the hotness), Kutcher insinuates that Star might be sued:

And naturally, Demi comes to Ashton’s aid by retweeting everything he said, while adding her own two cents in saying, “Excellent point my love,” and “No question.”

Yep. No question that Demi would totally overlook anything Ashton ever happened to do just to keep him with her, as long as it didn’t tarnish her preternaturally young visage and reputation. What good is looking twenty if you don’t have someone who doesn’t look your age to tote along with you? That kind of shit’s the best sort of accessory — “no question.”

OK, so I don’t really care if you shave your pits or not. It’s certainly none of my business and it’s not like we didn’t know Julia likes the “tiny kittens tied to the underarm area” look. That’s not news. But I thought this would be an interesting time to open up this can of worms: What do we think about unshaved armpits? I’ve shaved since I’ve needed to and I can’t imagine it’d be very comfortable, but hey! If Julia Roberts prefers living this way, maybe there’s something to it.

Any hairy folks out there who care to share their side of things?

Oh, look who it is. Rachel McAdams! I absolutely love this girl. I love her look, love our outward personality, love all of the interviews she gives about being a solitary person who enjoys peace and quiet and serenity, and love the majority of the movies that she chooses to take part in. (Wedding Crashers? One of the funniest fucking movies of all time.)

My gal Rach was photographed yesterday while filming scenes for her latest movie, The Vow. The new flick is supposed to be about a young married couple who are involved in a car accident, one of them ending up with some pretty problematic memory loss after a head injury. The Vow is said to be based on a true story, and I will see it (more than likely not in theaters, but definitely at home On Demand) because it sounds alright and it’s got my girl in it. It also stars Channing Tatum, but I don’t care too much about that because he’s not Rachel McAdams.