Oh, Amy Winehouse.  It’s finally happened.

She’s become that really, really embarrassing elderly female relative that always gets terribly wasted at public family events, presses her saggy tits up against the nearest waiter while her eyes are half-closed, and pinches the band leader’s ass seductively, unaware that his penis has practically turned into a shriveled raisin, which is the polar opposite of what she intended [she was quite a looker oh yes quite a looker back in her heyday don't you know]. The band leader attempts a smile, really just a mere grimace, as his eyes meet yours and you have to look away and grit your teeth because it’s the same old-same old trying to make amends with another band leader or waiter on another day at another generic occasion.  And you’re tired, quite tired, of excuses and apologies and attempts to guide her away when all you really want to do is dislocate her arm for embarrassing all of you so much time after time.  As she ambles along on her rickety sling-backed Payless shoes (with visible Dr. Scholl’s inserts) toward her next male victim to strike up a witty conversation, her gooey denture paste is almost audible as her fake teeth bang around in her mouth, while her gums smack and jaw snaps open and closed, no true words emerging, only murmurs, slurs and mumbles.

And all the while, you watch this scene play out month after month, and you feel sad for her, but you also feel revolted by her — it tastes like bitter metal corrosion in the back of your throat — and for a second, it almost makes you cry a little bit because the scene is so sad and desperate and so very believable that it could be you or someone else you care dearly about one day in the same situation. So you swallow the lump and guide her away gently, lovingly, almost as a parent would lead a toddling one-year-old, because you really do love her from the depths of your heart nonetheless, and you hope that she dies quietly in her sleep when she finally does go.

Not like this. Never like this.

No, I’m just kidding. She could be a perfectly nice young girl for all I know. Not that, you know, lushes are bad people. I’ve met my share of drunkards that were quite lovely, in fact.

But I just read a partial interview with former American Idol fame, Kellie Pickler. She of super-hot “Red High Heels” fame spoke to OK! magazine for their September issue and discussed how vast the difference is between her and Carrie Underwood, the “other” country-sangin’ blonde of American Idol, and her affinity for beer and not food:

Last thing I bought
I have an obsession with koozies [a fabric sleeve to keep beverages cold]. So I bought me a “Grand Ole Opry” koozie for my beer. I like my beer. I’d rather drink beer than eat.

Last thing I Googled
Dalmation adoption centers. I was looking for a local rescue center that has Dalmation puppies.

Last time I was mistaken for another celebrity
A lot of people confuse Carrie Underwood and me – we’re blonde, country and both from American Idol. I get called “Carrie Pickler” and she gets “Kellie Underwood.” But we’re totally different – night and day. I’m crazy and she’s a lady.

Last date night
Kyle [her fiance, songwriter Kyle Jacobs] and I will usually go down to Green Hills to watch a movie at the theater, or we’ll sit home and order one On Demand.

Good for you for being normal, Kellie. I know that not a lot of people know who you are, and even less dig country as much as they dig Carrie Underwood, but hey. You’re cute, you’re real, and you supposedly messed around with Kid Rock. And that makes you clutch in my book.

Of course you are. Otherwise why would you be on this site? It’s a celebrity gossip site. Anyone who expects anything less than celebrity gossip accompanied with a snarky commentary should go elsewhere. Like BabyAnimalz.com, MyLittlePony.com, or CuteOverload.com. They’re all sites that’ll suit your tastes much better.

So, yeah. Lindsay Lohan. First, let me say with a rather unsurprising air that she looks great. Those hollowed-out dark circles that took up residence underneath her eyes seem to have disappeared, as well as the glazed-but-somehow-shiny glint in her eyes that was the result of too many uppers, nights without sleep, and Red Bull.

According to exclusive sources at X17, Linds was photographed entering …

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I’m not sure if it’s the first time this has happened, but Lil Wayne has a number one single even though he’s currently sitting in a prison cell.

From Billboard:

Over on the Digital Songs chart this week we greet at new No. 1 in the form of “Right Above It” from Lil Wayne featuring Drake as it struts in with 225,000 downloads sold. It’s the first No. 1 for Wayne on this chart and it’s his best sales week as a lead artist.

Impressive! I’m even more excited to hear what he’s been writing while he’s been serving time now. Long live Weezy Baby.

We (us here at EvilBeet and the world, collectively) rag on Britney Spears a lot for being unkempt and kind of crazy lookin’ at all times, but let’s think about this: She’s been in hair and make up for most of her life, she’s a mother of two kids, she had a very public mental breakdown a couple years ago, her dad babysits her full time and everyone talks about her everywhere she goes. I don’t know about you, but that would nearly kill me. I can barely be bothered to brush my hair as it is and I got like… nothin’ going on. A whole lot of nothing.

So let’s just take a moment to pay respect to Britney. Despite the fact that she’s not the impossibly perfect 17 year old pop star who we met and fell in love with like, a decade ago, she’s still a hot bitch in a bikini. C’mon. If you didn’t know that was Britney Spears and you were just chilling on the same Hawaiian beach as her, you’d double take her. You know you would. She’s still above average, she’s just a little worn down and beat up looking right now. And she doesn’t owe it to us to change that any time soon. The girl can retire.

Lindsay Lohan was released from her court ordered rehab treatment yesterday, and although she was originally scheduled to spend 90 days in treatment, the actress isn’t being left behind. The judge who ruled over Lindsay’s case has given her a pretty strict list of things to do while she’s still being punished.

From People:

Among Judge Elden Fox’s orders for now: Lohan must submit to random drug and alcohol testing twice a week, as well as attend two behavioral therapy sessions weekly. She must also have seven contacts per week with a counselor for chemical dependency issues and attend 12-step chemical dependency sessions five times weekly. In addition, she must attend four psychotherapy sessions a week.

Judge Fox warned that any missed or dirty tests would result in a 30-day jail sentence. The new rules apply until a Nov. 1 progress review. Until then, Lohan was ordered to reside at her Los Angeles home.

Call me a moron, but I think this last trip to the slammer/rehab may be it for her. I don’t know if she’s going to be able to handle celebrity on the level that she’s used to anymore, but I doubt that we’re going to continue to hear rumors of her partying hard. And the constant therapy sessions and counselor check-ins seem awfully sobering.

The girl seems exhausted, as if maybe it’s finally penetrated her thick head that she’s got an addict’s personality and shouldn’t be around partying. This could be the end of an era, you guys.